One's Roots

Catching up on a lot of the blogs I like to read and after reading Turtle Guy's post about being adopted, it really got me thinking. I know I'm not adopted but I also have NO IDEA who my father is and I guess this has really left me feeling empty for a long time..

I was the oldest of 3, there were more but my mother miscarried a set of twins and two other children, I think, at least that is the story she tells. I went along my life thinking Don and Noel were my brothers, same mom, same dad. However I did come to find out different one day.

I don't recall how I found my birth certificate. I'm sure I was being the nosey somebody that I am. but I was somewhere between 12 - 14 yrs old when I discovered that I was not who I thought I was.

I had been registered in school and had always gone by the last name of Hancock. how that happened I have no idea, I can only speculate that at the time I was registered for school you did not have to show a birth certificate, again just speculation on my part. But upon finding my birth certificate I saw the name of Kimberly Rae Hampton. Thinking this had to be someone else but the date of birth was the same as mine and the mother listed was my mother, but the person listed as the father was someone I had NEVER heard of or known in my life. To the best of my knowledge and all I knew was Donald Cecil Hancock was my father, even though they had divorced when I was about 8 yrs old maybe. I was shocked and felt very lost, I already didn't have a great relationship with my mother, now to find this..

Well I'm sure what I was told when I confronted her was not the truth, hell I know its not the truth but its all I had to go on. I was told that she got pregnant by this man John Hampton, they married when she was about 6 months pregnant with me. However he was an alcoholic and he beat her, so she divorced him when I was about 6 months old. Again I don't know this man so I can't say if he was those things or not.

So the only 'father' I ever knew was Donald Cecil Hancock. You would have NEVER known I was not his natural daughter, because I was spoiled rotten by this man. I do recall I wanted for nothing and I mean nothing. If it was in his power, I got it. If we drove by a McDonalds, regardless of the fact I had just eaten, if I said I wanted a hamburger, he stopped and got it for me. We had 'our' time when he and I would put together puzzles, we had our own special card table for it and my brother Don (who is 2 yrs younger) was not allowed to help, this was my time with my daddy. My brother had his time too with his dad, but I was a spoiled rotten daddy's girl. I went everywhere with him. And even the time he ran into some friends house for a few moments and left me in the car and I decided to put the car in neutral and it rolled down the hill and into a tree (I was not hurt but the car was) I was never punished. I hated my mother when she divorced him.

I know they fought a lot. And now that I am older I also know he was not the best husband. But I can assure you my mother was not the best wife either. He was a player, he liked women. I'm not sure if he needed another woman in his life because he was not getting what he needed from my mother, be it mentally or physically, but he did have affairs. But I didn't know that as a child. Even after they divorced I still had no idea I was not his natural daughter. We were allowed to spend weekends with him and such and I looked forward to those times. However there came a time when my mother forbid us to see him anymore. I still don't know why. I think he stopped paying her child support and that was the root of it. Her way to say well I'll show him kinda thing, I don't know...

I recall one time at my grandmothers house, her and my mom were going thru some old photos and my grandmother wanted to show me some pictures but my mother snatched them from her and said I was not ready for that yet. Many years later I later came to find out that those were pictures of my mother with the man listed on my birth certificate as my father.

I say the man listed on my birth certificate because I honestly don't think even he is my natural father. After I had found my birth certifcate and realized that I was only a 1/2 sister to my brothers (same mom, different dads) I recall having a conversation with my grandmother about having found out that Don Hancock was not my dad. My grandmother said well its about time you found out. I said yes now if I could just find this John Hampton person, she said why would you want to find him, he isn't your dad? Well I'm sure the look on my face made her realize she just opened another can of worms by accident. She proceeds to tell me that this man is also not my father, that my mother met him when she was already pregnant with me and they married when she was about 6 months along. Then she pulled out some photos of my mother with this man John Hampton and it was obvious to me (I was now 16 or 17 at the time) that genetically there wasn't any way I was an offspring of the man in this photo. this man was dark skinned, I'd say of cherokee Indian or latin decent, that dark olive colored complexion and his hair was jet black. I'd say the odds of the dominant male gene he had producing someone like me with fair skin, red hair and freckles was very very slim.. Impossible no but very very slim.. couple that with the cat my grandmother just let out of the bag and I'm pretty safe in saying John Hampton is not/was not my natural father but rather a name on a birth certificate.

I have confronted my mother with this, recently and at the time it came up many moons ago and of course I'm told that is my grandmother telling me stories. Well I'm more likely to believe my grandmother. However she is no longer around to ask.

I guess in the end this leaves me feeling very lost. Like I don't know who the other part of me is. I mean I don't have a great relationship with my mother, so its hard when you don't know who your father is either. I don't want anything from this person but to know where I came from really. To know if I have any other 1/2 siblings out there, family/grandparents, aunts uncles, cousins etc I don't know?

The only 'father' I ever knew has since passed away but I can recall him calling me one night out of the blue.. I mean it had been AGES since I had ever seen him and I guess he was sick and dying and contacted my brother (his natural son) and my brother gave him my number. I remember that call like it was yesterday. I don't normally answer calls when the ID comes up unknown or unavailable, its always a sales call, but this one time I did because it was like 10:30 at night and I was ready to reem a new asshole to some marketer making a call at this hour. and when the person on the other end said is Kim there, I immediately knew the voice, he said this is Don Hancock, your.... and he trailed off and I finished it for him I said my dad. We talked for a while and I told him I now knew he was not my daddy but in my heart would always be my daddy, I think or at least I hope that made him feel better. But even he could not answer my questions about who my true and natural sperm donor was. I guess in reality that is all that person was, a sperm donor... I hate to feel like that because maybe he too wanted to know who I am/was but my mother wouldn't let that happen...

so I go thru life not dwelling on it but at certain times I think about it. I don't even have ANY clue as to where I could begin to find the truth because my mother is of no help. Even if John Hampton is not my father, I'd love to find him and maybe he would have answers for me, but she isn't of any help in supplying me with any information there either... another reason I guess I can't believe her story that he is my dad. And a name like John Hampton is so common it would take me forever to find the right one.

I guess reading Turtle Guys post about adoption made me think about all this today... however I'm happy for Turtle Guy in that it seems his adoptive parents gave him a very nice life, I wish I could feel that way about mine growing up..