Am I ready for this again?

an internet buddy of mine has thrown his hat into the ring to do Kevin's show in May 2006. I'm thrilled for him to be quite honest. While in the back of my head it really is something I want to do again and made plans to do it in November but let life and things get in my way, all excuses really if I wanted it bad enough I would have found a way to make it happen, I'm not sure I'm ready.

I can say I am actually starting to see my old body come back. I'm not really one to stare at myself in the mirror, huge self-esteem issues. But today while at the gym as I was walking up to a piece of equipment, I really 'noticed' myself, my arms and shoulders are coming back quickly, my back from what I can see is regaining its muscularity, but what I really noticed was my hips are slimmer, my thighs are smaller.

I do think when I am (as I was at one time) at lower bodyfat levels, I really do think I have a bodybuilders body. I look at Jen's photos from earlier this year when she was cut for her shows and while I don't have her level of muscularity, I do have that same build, wide shoulders and back, small waist. I know with my hard work and Jen's guidance with posing and such I would KICK ASS, now its just making it happen... IF that's what I really want.

And what I want is to honestly come in at my very best this time... I want to honestly say YES I did EVERYTHING I could this time around - I, with all honesty, could not say that about Nov 2004, but that didn't make that day any less special, nope not one bit, I think you coulda told me I had cancer that day and I would have just looked at you, smiled and said yeah so what about it! It really was a very very special day for me.

I'm scared I won't be able to have that feeling if I do this again, and maybe THAT is what stops me????

Day 30 - Last day of November

WOW can you believe it, the last day of November, Thanksgiving's over and that other dreaded holiday is around the corner, 25 days away. UGH! Don't get me wrong I LOVE Christmas, the theory behind it, the tradition, not all the bullshit about getting who what, how much money you spend on so and so, do they like what you got them, etc. I have some ideas of what to get George but lets be real here... with me hardly working because I'm taking Colin to Deerfield, its not like I'm spending my money getting him something anyhow. And to be quite honest, he isn't the easiest guy to buy for anyhow. I thought I did great for his birthday but then he could only comment about how the draper t-shirts I got were white and not black, so I felt like I totally struck out. As far as the niece's and nephews money is always a good bet... Brittany and Jayce are to the point its hard to buy for them, that finicky teenage girl time, been there done that remember what it was like, Gavin will be pretty easy, he's still young and not sure what is going on with Dustin these days. If I could give my brother any gift it would be to be able to turn back the hands of time and have all that has gone on never have happen... but sadly that is one gift I can't give no matter how much money I would have.

Tuesday was a cardio only day for me... after the meeting with the principal I really needed to vent in some fashion, a good sweaty 40 minutes on the treadmill did help me put things in perspective somewhat. Basically we are being told we must homeschool Colin on the subjects he is missing.. So Thursday I will be spending time on the phone figuring out what exactly I have to do..

Today was a great leg day... I didn't push to hard, don't want to be able to not walk for 2-3 days but I did find my strength is returning VERY quickly. Getting back to multiple plates on leg press, 95 lb squats seemed light, 35 lb DB deads, no grip issues and they too felt light, but as I said I will continue to ease back into the heavy stuff. The workouts in the muscle professor at leanness lifestyle will bump me up gradually anyhow.

Leg Extensions - 3 x 12 x 55
Squats - 3 x 12 x 95
Leg Press - 3 x 12 x 90 + 1 x 12 x 180
DB Deadlifts - 3 x 12 x 35
Calf raises - 2 sets on leg press machine x 12 x 90 + 3 x 12 x 25 on seated calf machine
And a nice 75-85% HR for 45 on elliptical

Debbie called last night too! I really do miss her. She had a great holiday and her sister came into town for the long weekend. She has a great sister, Lori! I'm really hoping to be able to head back to visit Deb soon, she was telling me about the new stuff she has done to her new place since I was last there this summer, when she literally just went to closing and moved in, we were the first guests. I'm so happy for her, she is out of the town she works for, and even though her commute is now 45 minutes she is and seems so much happier and is finally getting the kudos for all the work she has done for the town of georgetown! Debbie is a tried and true, through and through friend.... She has told me things I didn't like, has been pissed at me for so much, yet its only made our friendship that much stronger... I do hope to see her real soon - would be nice to see her at Christmas time, since it is her birthday, but got things to take care of in my neck of the woods that have to come first.

Scale is finally showing all the hard work I've been doing. Today it teetered between 155 and 155.4 so I logged it at 155.4, guess it depends how you step on it, where you place it on the floor, tempermental thing. I'll see what it says tomorrow, hopefully it won't bounce up, seems my pattern is to hit a low, bounce up a tad, then cycle to another low... Soon that low will be in the 140's

Day 27 and 28

Guess the short term memory is going when you have to think about what you did just yesterday..Ah yes...
George said something that sorta hurt my feelings on Sunday, so rather than get pissed off and scour the fridge and troll for food, I just hit the gym... I did Cardio Coach V4 and boy did it kick my butt. then I decided to finish out the timer on the elliptical for 60 on elliptical, then 20 minutes on the treadmill 3.5mph @15% incline, then 10 minutes on the revolving steps, all good bootie work, besides the cardio aspect..

George showed up at the gym later and did say he was sorry. I hate that my feelings can get hurt so easily sometimes. I guess they don't from total strangers or those I don't care about but its different when its someone you love.

Today was chest/back workout.
Close grip pulldowns - 4x12x80
DB Incl.Bench press - 4x12x35
BB Bench Press - 4x12x75
DB One Arm Row - 4x12x25

Then 45 on elliptical, most of it with cardio coach V2

My left shoulder is bothering me a bit now, think maybe I came down to far on the Db inclines, will take some aspirin and see how it feels tomorrow.

Today George was heading toward deerfield so he took Colin and picked him up, he had a meeting right in the area. I guess the school isn't to happy about us extending this private tutoring beyond the 2 wks. When he went to pick Colin up today at 11:45 the principal came out with Colin.. He started to say how they could not continue to offer special treatment to Colin by providing a teacher to help him with what he is missing by leaving school at noon each day??? What the fuck are they talking about, they have hardly had to do a thing.. all I ask is for the assignments for the day and if any worksheets or handouts are given out to send them home with his sister for gosh sake. Anyhow G told the principal that it might be better to carry on this conversation at a later time (I mean Colin was right there.. would you reprimand a teacher in front of a parent???) so now there is a meeting w/principal tomorrow...

I really get the feeling George would rather I not go. I don't really understand why and it does hurt somewhat. I think I have really stepped up to the plate in fighting for the kids, making sure to check on homework, calling the hotline to check assignments, let alone driving Colin back and forth to deerfield, but I'm not suitable./creditable/worthy to meet with the principal? I think the time we had to meet with all of Colin's teachers I did very well. I was scared to death as speaking out like that is not something I'm use to but I didn't get angry, I didn't shout, I was calm cool and collected and basically stated our side of things and asked them to please tell me how I can help this child.

Guess we'll see how it turns out...

Day 26 - Feeling a bit better

I am feeling a bit better today, less blue. Sometimes I don't know what comes over me.

Today was 5K training w/run club. I wish my stamina was good enough to keep up with the group that runs the entire time. I'm with the group that does walk/run intervals and I think I am somewhat beyond that but not quite ready for the all running yet?? Each week I seem to be ahead of the pack. However Steve from the run club took our group out today and he pushed us. We started out with 30/30, then 60/30, then 90/60 and he even threw in a couple of 2 minute stints. I just love the whole run club they really are such an awesome group. I heard Steve today telling one of the gals he gets more enjoyment out of turning others onto this sport of running than anything else. This is the guy that recently did the Iron Man in Florida. Not sure I'll ever be up to something like that, for right now I'm happy to be doing 5K's and enjoying them.

After run club I came home, grabbed a bit to eat and changed workout clothes and hit the gym for arms/shoulders workout

Tricep pushdowns - 4x12x40
BB curls - 4x12x25
Preacher Curls - 2x12x25 and 1x12x35
DB 2hand Tri.Extensions - 3x12x25
DB Side lat.raise - 2x11x15 and 1x12x15

I will make tomorrow a complete cardio day. Hoping to get in an hour and half at the very least we will see what tomorrow brings.

Day 25 - Feeling Depressed

I'm really feeling down today and I haven't a clue as to why? I've been trolling the fridge, like something NEW is going to appear in there right, anyhow, I'm trying hard to keep it in check, I'm doing ok but when I get like this for some reason I just want to eat. Yet I know eating things I shouldn't or even over eating things I should will only make me feel more depressed later, so what the fuck gives? Am I just tired? Is it post holiday day let down.. I mean usually I get this feeling after Christmas but not after Thanksgiving, and yesterday was such a wonderful and relaxing day. Maybe its the let down of having accomplished a goal I've wanted to do? But then again I didn't feel this depressed the day after the bodybuilding competition? I don't have answers and I know just coming here won't find them for me but maybe just getting it out on "paper" so to speak will serve as some sort of therapy.

I went to the gym today and did legs but didn't get in any cardio. I guess in hindsight I should have just driven myself instead of going with George. He got his run in while I did legs and by the time I was done, he had his 5 miles in and I knew he wouldn't want to hang around another 45 minutes while I did cardio and I couldn't expect him to either. If the situation were reversed it wouldn't matter to me, if I had gotten in my workout and had to hang around, I'd just lessen the intensity and walk or put up the incline and just get in some more time. But I can't expect everyone to be like that.

I'd like to go see my brother but I'm not up to making that drive to be quite honest. I really don't feel like being there with my SIL entire family either and depending on the time I got there I know most of them would have left, but still its a long drive to make. Not that the SIL family is terrible, quite the opposite they are wonderful wonderful people, I'm just not up to 25+ peeps and kids. I'd love to have Caitlin and Colin go along with me but I know damn well Colin is no where near done with his assignments that are due on Monday so that is out of the question and I won't even bring it up.

Plus I really feel like I've made an enemy out of a friend and part of me is pissed at myself for that but the other part of me feels I have every right to be a bit pissed off at her too. I guess its up to me what I do at this point but I really felt a bit hurt and betrayed to be quite honest. I confided in this person about some other things between George and I that were bugging me and I asked Erin to be completely honest with me in what she thought.

This goes back to earlier in the year but George felt this need to continue a friendship with an ex girlfriend, there is a lot more to the story and why this particular friendship continuation bothered me but nothing I really feel like getting into here. Erin had emailed me regarding a new job she had interviewed for with LA weightloss and she innocently asked how things were going. When I replied with not so great... well I'm sure I've saved the emails much easier to copy/paste.

Erin wrote:>Hey there Kim,>>Hope all is well in your little corner of the world!

From: Kimberly TO: Erin Re: New job!!!>Date: Fri, 18 Feb 2005 14:50:52 -0800 (PST)>>Well to be quite honest, things are NOT so great in my little corner of the >world. My weight is up and I could care less, I seem to be consuming a >bag, yes a bag of hershey kisses every other day, if not more. George and >I are arguing basically because I found out he is talking to Tonya a lot >more than he lets on and I told him he needed to make a choice. And its >not just her calling him, he is the one initiating the calls and yes it >bothers me. He is upset I am disrupting the family unit working these >extra hours during tax season (2 nites 9-9 and 9-5 on saturday) - I don't >know I guess there is a lot more to it, this is just my side and condensed.>>I am not proud of what I did but I had to know, and maybe that's my fault >to but the other day I was at the computer and noticed his cell phone bill >laying there. He had already opened it so its not like I opened it but I >was no more in the right even looking at it but as wrong as it was I did. >Erin HE is calling her 2 and 3 times a week, sometimes multiply times a >day, sending her text messages, I can only imagine they converse via email >too! I realize my looking at his cell bill was not right but do you think >its right he chooses to carry on this relationship with her? I'm I wrong >in that thinking? Please be honest with me PLEASE!>

From: "Erin To kimSubject:Re: New job!!!Date:Sat, 19 Feb 2005 06:23:00 -0500

Wow! I'm sorry to hear about Tonya. Regardless of whether or not it was right or wrong to look at a phone bill it doesn't change the fact that he's "cheating" on you. And I'm sorry to say I feel it's a form of cheating. YOU should be Geo's best friend....the person he can talk to, go to, confide in. Not some other woman. I know he feels she "understands" him but truth is she's a nut case. Plus she drags him down. Sometimes he surprises me
in that he's such a capable strong person but then he'll fall into this helpless headcase victim persona. Know what I mean? They feed off each other's negativity and drag each other down. Why would he want anything
like that? And as far as tax season screwing up the family unit I think that's 1. bullshit, because continuing a relationship of any kind with Tonya BEHIND YOUR BACK is doing more damage to the family unit than your job and 2. bullshit, because you aren't his maid/nanny/concubine. Do you complain about the hours he's gone with work and you're stuck talking care of the house and HIS kids? Maybe you do but he should be able to see it's a give and take situation. You aren't there for HIS convience.

So life rolls along and we continue (G and I) to have our ups and downs as any relationship does then we hit another rocky patch and this same person who proceeds to tell me that G carrying on a relationship with Tonya is 'cheating' on me basically is doing the very thing she proposed was so wrong.

I was at the computer looking to go to Jen's website one day and in the address window (to lazy to type it all in again) I went to go to Jennifers website and I guess Erin's and George's private little blog must have been right above or below Jen's and I must have hit it instead of Jen's cause to say I was a bit taken back was an understatment. At first I looked at the page that loaded and knew I had gone to the wrong address in the window, yet as I read on I really had a terrible sense of betrayal. So I guess in Erin's mind it wasn't ok for G to have conversations with Tonya yet in her mind its ok for her to have this "secret blog" that only George knew about. Sorry but I think its the same damn thing just a different venue. And then to post in your blog:
**Kim emailed asking about the November show. She wants to go to a different show if I don't go to Rockford/Belvedere. I said I was going but if she wants to go to the other she should go. I'll hang with Geo. Secretly, I hope she goes to the other. I love Kim but I'd really like the time alone with George. Since they became a couple I sometimes feel awkward. I guess because I don't want her to think I'm overstepping boundaries as a woman/man thing. I'm cautious of what I say or do when she's around. To be honest, I want George to be mine once in awhile.**

Well first of all wouldn't your 'husband' love to know about this, I'd venture to say he isn't even aware of the fact that at one time G and Erin did sleep together and second of all, never once EVER had I given Erin any reason to feel awkward NEVER.. Seems to me you'd only feel awkward if your intentions are/were less than being just his friend - nope I encouraged her to come visit and hang out, I welcomed it as a matter of fact, because she can do something for George I can't do, and that is be a show off in the gym, its not in my nature, I don't need external stroking to my ego, but its fine that some do. But now fucking eh right if I feel like I can trust her.

Trust another depressing issue for me. I struggle with it constantly.

Day 24 - Thanksgiving

What more could a gal ask for but a nice quiet Thanksgiving Day. As much as I love to cook I just didn't feel like it this year, nor did I really feel like going anywhere and that is just what I got. The kids are with their mom so that has allowed George and I some alone time. We don't get tons of it, and thats ok, but I love the times when we do, even if we do nothing at all.

However today started with some awesome loving, then we ventured out into the cold Chicago air for the Naperville Turkey Trot and my first 5K! I thought I was going to have to run it alone but to my surprise George actually ran it with me. Not together necessarily as he is a stronger runner than I so I urged him to go ahead if he wanted.

OH my it was cold, the temp was upper teens/low twenties with 40mph gusts making for single digit to sub zero windchills. I heard the wind howling before I even got out of bed. I know its really silly or may seem so to some but it was my first 5k and I am not a runner of any sort so I was so excited, that #1 I started and #2 I finished and in less time than I had hoped for. I told George if I finishe in 40 minutes I'll be happy. Well I finished in 36min 16 seconds! So hell ya I was excited! George did awesome himself he finished in 30 min 9 seconds! It really really was cold but once I got going I actually started to overheat and had to unzip my jacket for some air . I had the total cat that ate the canary grin coming across that finish line and then to find out I finished in less time than I had hoped for.. HELL YA!

So I was hoping for another night of just us, as much as I love the kids since we get so little alone time I cherise what we get, but alas it is not to be... and that's ok too. George and I are having some filet mignon on the grill, some string beans and homemade sourdough bread, thats the one thing I did cook today - it will be wonderful.

Every day between us is not perfect but its days like today that make the not so perfect days seem so insignificant. And while another night alone would be great it will be nice to hear the stories the kids have to tell of seeing their step brother and spending time with their maternal side of the family.... I only wish I would have known that being a 'mom' was really as rewarding as it is! But then again all things happen for reasons and maybe my reason for not having given birth to any of my own children, was because my destiny was to be a mom to Caitlin and Colin. I could not have asked God for more. I am truly blessed and thankful for what I have in my life, even though it may not be evident to anyone else.

Happy Thanksgiving All.

Day 23

Hit the gym this afternoon had a GREAT run, or at least a great run for a non-runner anyhow... I was going at 6 and 7 mph for a short time and wasn't dying in the process. got to 3.2 in 4omin 30 sec but had about 2 min of warmup time in there too. I'm hoping the adrenaline of the 5k tomorrow will push me even faster, but I'm racing against no one, only settng a time for myself to beat the next time.

Kids with their mom today and probably tomorrow for dinner so we went to butcher shop and got some filet mignons for our Thanksgiving dinner tomorrow.

The predictions are for some chilly temps tomorrow for the turkey trot. windchills in the low teens, so for now I'm gonna say good night, get a good nights sleep and hope this cold, my 3rd one since sept of this year, doesn't kick in full force before tomorrows run....

Day 22

Yesterday was Colin's last day at center till Monday the 28th, so I was a bit out of the pattern I've gotten used to since he started. Couple that with TOM and it has not made for great exercise days. Thankfully if LL has taught me nothing else, it has taught me about my body.. Had I not know any better I would have freaked out completely knowing I kept myself in line with diet and exercise, yet saw the scale literally jump 4 pounds up over night. But I know it takes eating an extra 14,000 calories to literally gain 4 pounds. My gain was courtesy of my period... It really SUCKS being a female sometimes...

Today I worked from 9-3, then we hit the gym later. Cardio only 40 on treadmill then 10 min on revolving steps. It was a workout but not up to my par, but something is much better than nothing.

George's ex is in town too. It appears she has some cancer in her mouth. I guess a sore in her mouth has not healed and she had it looked at. Next week she will have some surgery. I'm certain all will be fine in the end. She had told George she wanted to speak to him about something and if I wanted to, I should come along. However when I got home she was already here and her and G had already talked. I came upstairs while he told me and Laura sat at the table and told the kids. They seemed to take it ok from what I can see, questions may come later but between G, Laura and myself we will handle it... I'm sure everything will be fine.

I'm really thrilled that Laura and I do get along and its not faked I don't think. I don't understand what she did and why as far as the kids are concerned but its not my place to speculate either. Maybe peeps don't understand why I've done certain things in my life either.. Hell sometimes I don't! But I do remember what it was like when my mom and step dad divorced, every time we came back from his house we got the 20 questions.

I think at first Caitlin and Colin were afraid to show me any affection in front of their mom, like it would be disrespecting her or something, its ok, I wasn't offended when they didn't, as I NEVER want them to feel they have to choose or something. But lately I'm happy that they now give me hugs and kisses when they head off with their mom. I'm not sure if that was Laura's prompting, telling them its ok it doesn't bother her or what, but its very nice to know they now feel that comfortable.

Catching up

I seem to have gotten a bit behind, not that it matters to anyone since I doubt anyone reads this but its a place for me to think outloud.

Friday the 18th was an arms/shoulders day:
tri pushdowns 4x12x40
BB curls 4x12x20
Preacher curls 4x12x25
DB 2hand tri.ext. 2x12x20, 1x11x25 and 1x10x25
DB side lateral raise 4x12x12.5.
Cardio was 30 on elliptical and 20 on the moving stairs.

Saturday the 19th was a run with the Lifetime running club for our 5K training class. I was surprised to find I was not cold at all and had actually overdressed and had to unzip my jacket for some air. After that it was a quick shower then off to Dekalb for the OCB bodybuilding show. G was once again the video guy. He was reluctant about this one in at first but all in all I think it has turned out ok, with orders and such.

Sunday was a catch up day, although I never seem to actually catch up with stuff around the house. I did manage some time at the gym for cardio, about 35 on elliptical going pretty hard and another 10 on the revolving stairs. The kids went to the gym with us so I think we both knew it wouldn't be a long session.

Monday the 21st was chest/back for me:
Close grip pulldowns 4x12x80
DB inc.BP 1x10x25, 2x12x35, last set no spot got what I could 1x6x35
Bench Press 4x12x75
DB 1arm Row 4x12x25
then did 35 on t.mill..

Heard great things about Colin and his progress at Lindamood-Bell, still things he needs to work on regarding word recgonition and such but Adam said he is making great progress and he really works hard when he is there. All good news since at almost $300 a day its not cheap so it helps to know its having an effect and we see it too. Frankly I was impressed by what we saw when we observed for a bit on Monday.

Day 17

WHEW another day of traffic hell.. I don't know if its the almost full moon or what but there were so many accidents on the road today. Thankfully we were not involved in any of them. But a normal stretch in the beginning of the ride home that takes 30 minutes, took us almost an hour tonight.. I'm sure as the holidays get closer it will be even worse.. But all worth it for a good cause in getting Colin this help.

today was cardio only, but I had the energy for 90 minutes.. I did 60 on elliptical, the first part with my Cardio Coach Vol 2 - then I did 15% incline on treadmill

Day 16 - home in one piece

Today G was able to take Colin to the center, he went to the Borders and worked from there. I thought I was a spazz in traffic... OMG if he is like this everyday when he goes back and forth to appointments, all I can say is I am really scared to death now that someday the fucking state police are going to be calling us telling me he is in the hospital or he is dead.

He asked if I wanted to go along, that he would go to Borders and work and I could take the car and head to the gym, so I did. I'm surprised we did not get in an accident. I don't like the traffic either, IT FUCKING SUCKS, plain and simple, but I'm learning just to go with the flow, to deal with it, for me I keep it in my head that what I am dealing with as far as traffic is worth it to get Colin there and back and get him the help that YES the school should have provided but they haven't. For George's sake and Colin's I think next time even when he can take him there, I will still make the trip with Colin myself.

I was so pissed and just felt like screaming to take it easy your son is in the car, does that not mean anything to you? But I just closed my eyes, gritted my teeth and prayed we got home in one piece. I knew that saying anything would have made matters worse.

Day 15

Weight stayed the same 158 on the nose. Got a bit of a break today. G was to be staying overnight in the Appleton WI area for a meeting tomorrow, so on his way to his user's group today in WI he dropped Colin off at the center, meant I still had to pick him up but what a great help it was as it allowed me to catch up some laundry, get my gym time in here and shower at home.. sometimes its a pain in the ass trying to remember everything for taking a shower when I'm in the Skokie Lifetime. I know one of these days Im going to do something like forget clean undies, and when that happens it will mean going commando or putting on nasty sweaty ones from the workout.. Nope I'd go without first.

I made today a cardio only day, did 45 on elliptical, 25 on stationary bike and another 25 min with incline set at 15% on treadmill.. I seemed to have plenty of energy for it, but then since I still had to go and pick Colin up, I was getting tired on the way there.. Luckily I got there at 4:30 so I was able to get a 30 min cat nap in the car. If not for that I don't know that I woulda been able to keep my eyes open on the way home.

So tomorrow will be chest and back plus some cardio.. once I get back to my safe zone of 140, I can ease off on the cardio a bit - gotta get in some outdoor runs too, Thanksgiving day is the Turkey trot 5K, I'd like to do it for fun and to see how much I can improve my time when the Reindeer Run 5K happens on Dec 11th.

Well time to watch the TIVO's version of the Biggest Loser.. That show is getting more emotional for me every week. gotta see if matt's strategy paid off or hurt him... I hope it paid off, I'm rooting for him and with that new do Suzi gave him, he is really pretty handsome under all that hair..

Day 14 - Draggin' Ass

Boy today is not a good day at all. Started with a pretty bad dream, you know the kind that seem so real and vivid and then you wake up wondering what the hell that was all about (the symbolism) and then the dream/nightmare sticks in your head all day..

I am still tired from the long day on Saturday and today I paid for it. I was having to keep myself awake on the drive to Deerfield today, then the drive home was long as usual, but mix in some rain coming down... UGH.

My day at the gym sucked.. I mean I got it done but it was like pulling teeth without novicaine. None of it came easy. Didn't help that it was leg day too. I had planned to do more cardio but I'm happy I managed the 45 min on the elliptical.

Leg Extensions - 1x12x50 and 3x12x45
Squats - 3x12x75 and 1x8x75
Leg Press - 2x10x90, 1x8x90 and 1x7x90 (not counting sled weight just the 2-45's plates)
DB Deadlifts - 1x12x35, 3x8x35 (thats a 35 lb db in each hand, my grip was giving out before I got to failure)
Seated Calf - 2x12x20 1x8x20 and 1x6x20

Like I said NO ENERGY, but in my pea brain better to get something in, even if it means less poundage and less reps, then to do nothing at all.

Managed 45 on elliptical - I know I'm either really tired or getting sick cause I was barely pushing on that elliptical yet my heart rate stayed in the 145-150 range - anyhow the workout summary went off before I could record everything but I know I got in 5387 strides and over 3 miles? in distance.

I know I have some issues with trust, I always have and I'm beginning to think I always will. And I guess along those lines I have to wonder if showing up in Rockford was coincidence or not. I'm along the lines of thinking it was not a coincidence - I'd even venture to say the hotel room was paid for. Always having to be someone's knight in shining armour - but I will find out the truth eventually, always do. You certainly don't go from having no money to all the sudden being able to afford a trip, gas, entry tickets, a hotel room.... Nope highly doubt it.

Day 13

Boy was yesterday a very long day. Up at 4am, got cardio in, car packed and headed to Belvidere for the show. We got home last night or should I say this morning at 12:10am.

The show was great. Kevin seems to run a pretty good show and this year the new venue was wonderful. Especially from George's standpoint as the video guy, there was a place just for him and no one was able to walk in front of our camera this time!

Jennifer (www.jenniferabrams.net) the guest poser and my soon to be again trainer :o) did a DYNOMITE posing routine, you can view it at www.pradelproductions.com - She has so much stage presence, I could only hope to do half as well someday.

I told George at the beginning of the day that I was sure I would be kickin my ass for not doing this show. And sure nuff I was.. Only two competitors in women's open 40-45 and two or three in Novice, both the categories I would have entered. Oh well hindsight is always 20/20 and with all that was going on with George and I, and with the kids and failing grades and now schlepping colin back and forth to deerfield 5 days a wk... I would have fallen apart. My time WILL come again and it WILL be with Jennifer's guidance.

I was really good with the food yesterday too. I had stuff all packed to snack on/eat throughout the day. We did hit subway for lunch but that is always a pretty safe spot for me anyhow. I was amazed however that I did drop 2lbs. 159.6 to 157.6 this morning. I'd really like to see 150 before the end of the year, maybe even the upper 140's. Then I will have until March to hit 140 or less or I don't get to go to PHAT camp w/Jen Hendershott- then hang onto that and contests start up in April... Kevin's nxt show is May. Heck I'd only have 5-10 pounds to drop by then to be ready!

Today is getting the DVD's put together or starting on them. Actually that's all G's job.. I'm just helping where I can by typing up all the competitors name, etc in an excel spreadsheet and making sure the internet video's run from my laptop when he posts a new one. He went a different route this year, recording directly to the hard drive (on tape too just in case) and its made the process 100% smoother. He is already to authoring part, where before he would still be dumping tape to hard drive.

I guess just like weight loss we learn new and improved things each go around... Hit the gym for cardio today too 65 min on t.mill, now its time to shower and hit the store, maybe some leg work later if I'm up for it, if not tomorrow..

Day 12 - off to the bodybuilding show

Yes the exact one I had hope to compete in again this year, but some things with the kids and my personal life became more important to focus on. There will be another time for me, perhaps this spring, who knows..

Some of the sodium from dinner on Thursday is gone.. At 159.6 this morning. Woke up at 4am, on my own, no alarm, so I figure why not hit the gym, today is gonna be a long day. So I did just that. Did 45 min on elliptical and another 35 on the treadmill.

Now its time to shower and get ready to head to belvidere. I can't wait to see what Jennifer (www.jenniferabrams.net) has come up with for her guest posing routine. I had the wonderful opportunity to train with her some this summer and I am hoping that real soon I will get to train with her again!

Always feeling like I was the ugly and akward kid and still feel that way as an adult, Jen is the type of beautiful person you think is going to be all stuck up on herself. OMGosh is she the exact opposite. Not only is she outwardly beautiful and has a kick ass body that I aspire too, but she is just as beautiful on the inside. I found her to be super friendly and outgoing and one hell of a trainer. She pushes you when you don't think you can or have anything left inside. You can't ask for more than that from a trainer.

I am excited about the possibility of her and George working on a video of her journey in 2006 to the Worlds, them working together might mean some training for me outta the deal! I'm trying not to get my hopes up too much but how cool would it be to train along side her as she prepares for her own big show next year! To cool,thats how cool.

Ok gotta shower and scoot to Belvidere!

Day 11 - Weight up as expected

yesterday was the last day of the first week for Colin and I and trips to the learning center. He has been a trooper about it all so I told him as a treat for a hard week (and to hopefully avoid some rush hour traffic) we would get his hair cut after his session and then it was his choice for dinner.

When I dropped him off at 1pm, he had said he wanted Subway, cool by me I know exactly how to count those calories. So I headed to the gym and got in 75 minutes of cardio, 25 on stationary bike, 25 on arc trainer and 25 on revolving stairs. Headed back to pick him up at 5pm and he must have been telling the instructors at the center we were going out to dinner, cause now he wanted Chinese. Ok but not my first choice when watching caloric intake.

There is a resturant in the complex, the Lotus Brassiere (sp?), so we went there, after all it WAS his choice, I gave him free reign. I ordered the szchewan string beans w/shrimp. OMG was it delicious. But the sodium content in that type of cooking ALWAYS leads to water retention, even if you don't eat any rice, which I didn't. So at least the meal was tasty and the company was great!

We go in and wait to be seated, we are taken to a table and this 12 yr old young man actually pulls the chair out for me to sit down, then gently guides me back up to the table. How many 12 yr olds do that eh?? I was so impressed as was the gentleman that showed us to our table. Then after dinner as we are getting ready to leave, he helps me put my jacket on. I could not ask for a better 'step-son' then this! All week he has told me thank you for taking him to the center, for helping with homework, he has come up to me this week, out of the blue and given me hugs and said I love you. My gosh its enough to melt my heart. We don't always see eye to eye on everything, but heck even blood mothers and sons don't, but its nice to know that even when those times happen, I know deep down he does still love me.

Never having children of my own, the one thing I said I would always miss is when a child, who we know are completely honest, throws their arms around you and says "mommy I love you" - I always thought that was the coolest thing when my friends children did that to their parents and now in some fashion, I have that in my life too and I can't even begin to put words to how wonderful that truly is.

Today I even got to spend some one on one time with Caitlin. She has stepped up to the plate on the home front doing small things around the house that are a HUGE help. From making sure dishes are put away to turning the crock pot meal down, to having the table set, to being a total saviour the other day when it took us 2 hrs to get home and she got side dishes all prepared so we could eat as soon as Colin and I got home.. I only had to cut the roast. So her and I had some lunch today at Ruby Tuesdays then we bummed around the mall. Now personally I hate shopping, but today was for her benefit. We even met up with her cousin Chelsea, who came back to the house to hang out for a while. She seems like a really sweet kid.

So as I said weight is up as expected but only 161, I really really thought I'd see 165 or so. I've drank tons of water today, hoping that will flush a good deal of the sodium. Haven't had or haven't put aside the time to exercise today, hopefully I will be able to get up tomorrow early and go for a run before we head to the bodybuilding show.

yes Saturday will be a long day. George is the video guy for Kevin Noble's NPC natural BB show. Its in Belvidere IL and if its anything like past show's he has video taped (to include the show I competed in last November) we will get up there around 10a.m. and be getting home around midnight. So to that end I must get a cooler packed with some healthy choices to eat and then get my jammies on and get some shut eye...

Day 10

So far the running back and forth to Deerfield hasn't been bad, oh sure traffic sucks on the way home but whatcha gonna do right?

My boss has been GREAT working with me on this. When I talked to her on Monday she said whatever you need to do, its not tax season yet, the payroll quarter has just ended, so things are slow here. I've been working part time since late summer, Off Monday and Wednesday, Tues and Thursday are 9-3 and Friday is 9-5, so a 20 hr wk.. She has said why don't you just come in Mon and Thursday and take care of the phones until you have to leave at 11:30 to pick up Colin. So this week trying to get into the grove of this has been great.. But today, Thursday is the first day I've had to be to work this week.. It sure makes it a bit hairy since I have to have all my stuff packed and ready to go, Colin's snacks for the day, plus get myself showered and ready for work to be here by 7:30. I was a bit frantic this morning, but George stepped in to my rescue. He told me to calm down, take 10 minutes for myself and he would take the kids to school. That helped immensely.. Plus Caitlin made it so easy today as she went in early too, so no two trips to the school and back..

I know George is a bit concered about my now reduced hours. I could still get in 20 hrs between Thursday and cut off of pay period on Wednesday, but I know trying to get here by 7:30 everyday, along with the getting stuff ready for when we are in Deerfield would eventually burn me out. I will work it out somehow. I know the learning center isnt a cheap thing and I don't want him to have to pick up any more financial slack from my end, he does enough already. I'll figure something out...

Day 9 - Traffic HELL

I have no clue how people can deal with that traffic BS every day. Thankfully for me it won't be forever only for 12 wks or so. Once again we made it to Deerfield in 40 minutes but the ride home took 2 HOURS.. Several accidents and a semi stalled in the middle lane near Schaumburg. Coulda taken 294 home tonight and made the same time...

My legs are still killing me from the workout on Monday. They are ok if I'm moving around but if I sit still for any length of time, I look like a 90 yr old woman when I get moving again. Tonight will be some tylenol PM and early to bed.

George should be on his way home from training in Dallas. I do miss him when he is gone.. For some reason I just don't sleep right, I wake up several times during the night. tonight I should sleep soundly since he'll be home soon.

Took Colin to the pet store. He has been elected to buy fish for science class. Only problem is we have no way to keep them alive until morning.. We have no tank here at home and they can't stay but a couple of hours in the bag from the pet store. He was a bit discouraged but I told him to talk to his teacher tomorrow, explain what the gentleman told us at the store, and hopefully even though school is closed Friday for Veteran's day, maybe a janitor could let us in to put the fish in the tank. Otherwise I have no idea how we can do this. Unless he can hold off getting them till nxt week. They are off school Thurs/Friday for conferances, so we could get them in the morning before we go to Deerfield?

So workout today was arms/shoulders:

Barbell Curls - 1x12x20 and 2x12x25
Tricep pushdowns - 1x12x30, 2x12x36.5 and 1x8x36.5
Preacher Curls - 4x12x25
Tricep DB overhead extension - 2x12x15 and 2x12x20
DB side lateral raise - 3x12x10 and 1x12x12.5

Cardio was 45 minutes on the elliptical, 3.73 distance, 5753 strides

Food - M1 Dannon Carb Control yogurt/Optimum nutritional Choc.protein powder
M2 - Dave Drapers Vanilla Bomber Blend Protien/Walden Farms Choc.syrup
M3 - Starkist tuna/Melba Toast/Apple
M4 - Chicken Brst/Green Beans
plus some grapes and a sweet red pepper
3+ liters of water, diet coke zero, 2 monster energy drinks

Right now every muscle in my body aches. I think tomorrow will be cardio only then I truly need a spell in the hot tub..

Day 8

As predicted the legs are so tight today.. Its that free fall to the toliet thing or hope you get a stall with handicap bars. My weight popped up a bit to 160, but I know my calories have been in line. I'm sure its some swelling around the leg muscles and I'm going to have to track my sodium intake too.. Even my feet are swollen. Regardless I hit the gym after dropping Colin off today. Did Chest and Back:

DB incline press - w/u 1x10x20 then 2x12x30, 1x10x30 and 1x9x30 I'm sure I coulda eeked out 12 on those last two sets but without a spotter didn't want to take the chance of a dumbbell on my head, so I did a trick Jen taught me and just did a slow negative.

Close Grip Pulldowns - w/u 1x10x45 then 1x12x60 and 3x12x75 these seem to give me a slight pain in my elbow area??

Barbell Bench - w/u 1x10x45 then 1x12x55, 1x12x60 and 2x12x70

DB Row - 4x12x20 (sets x reps x poundage)

Afterward I did 65 minutes (incl. cooldown) on the elliptical. I did the first 30 minutes with my cardio coach Volume 1, Sean always kicks my butt no matter what volume I listen to, then I did the next 35 on my own staying between my zone 2 and 3 while I listened to the Ellen show. Not really sure how accurate the distance on ellipticals are but it said I went 5.72, and 8411 strides. Grabbed a shower then off to pick up Colin... Today was 40 minutes to Deerfield but 1 hr 40 min on way home.... I long for a Jetson space shuttle or beam me up Scottie, but eventually even with space shuttles I'm sure we'd run into rush hour :o)

So meals for today (been kinda slacking putting this here)

M1 - Multi grain muffin w/ham and 2% cheese
M2 - Melba toast
M3 - Myoplex Carb Sense RTD and Myoplex Lt. Cinnamon Crisp Bar
M4 - Chicken Breast, Rice and Snap Peas
Drank 3 liters of water today, 1 Monster Low Carb Energy drink, 1 Diet coke Zero and one of those mix in Lipton things... hopefully all the fluids will flush out the sodium, even my little toes are swollen today?

colin seemed to have another good day at the learning center. So far he seems to like working with Adam the best.. He likes all of them but I think Adam is a jokester. He got a "chance" for the weekly drawing today.. I guess they get "chances" when they do something exceptionally well, these go into a ballot box and at the end of the week they have a drawing for a prize of some sort. I'm glad they are keeping it fresh and fun. He is putting in a long day between the time he is at school, the 4 hrs at the center, then his homework when we get home... Thats not even factoring in the drive. All this would be a lot for an adult let alone a 12 yr old. I think Thursday after I pick him up he and I will hit subway for dinner as a reward for a good first week, maybe even stop and get him an ice cream after at baskin robbins..

Well about time for me to hit the hay. I can't believe its about ready to thunderstorm here... its November not May???

Day 7- Boy will my legs be sore tomorrow!

UGH how stupid of me, for a couple of reasons, to NOT work legs in almost two months. #1 they are my WORST area and should be worked no matter what and #2 laying off for almost two months, today's workout is gonna kill me with DOMS(delayed onset muscle soreness).

Squats - 1 warmup set, x 10 x 70, working sets 1 x 12 x 95, 1 x 10 x 95 and 1 x 3 x 95 my legs we about to buckle hence the lame 3 reps on last set. I want to get back to being able to squat 175 lbs for 5 to 6 reps!! All in due time I guess.

Leg Extensions - 1 w/u set x 10 x 48, working sets 1 x 8 x 60, 1 x 6 x 60, 1 x 8 x 60 and 1 x 8 x 60

Leg Press - another lame round since legs were killing me but anyhow 1 x 8 x 135 and 1 x 6 x 135.. another longin' to get back to old poundages, when I could but 3 to 4 - 45 pound plates on each side. I'm really hoping the muscle DOES have memory as they say..

Barbell Dead Lifts - only 2 sets x 10 x 45

I shoulda worked calves in there but just didn't have it in me. I did force myself to do some cardio. With Colin at the learning center I had plenty of time to kill, so I did 65 minutes total on the tredmill, this included 5 minutes warmup and 5 minute cooldown, and then in between I did run/walk intervals.. Well actually jog/walk.. OH that first stint was hard too, didn't think my legs could move after the RT workout, but eventually they got the hint. Afterward I grabbed a quick shower, hit the Lifetime cafe for a protein drink and an OK protein cookie. I have to start planning and packing meals. Lifetime cafe has some ok sandwiches and salads but they are pricey. Over $6 for what I had today and while that's ok once in a while, it can't be an everyday thing.

So I will have to get creative with some meals that would be ok to eat cold since I have no access to microwave to heat anything up. I can deal with cold chicken breast and cold steak and the hickory smoked tuna pouches will be ok too but with him at the center 5 days a wk, for 4 hrs, those meals will get mighty boring fast.. But I will learn to get creative once again..

George is in Texas for a couple of days for some training. I'm hoping he will get some time to speak with his ex regarding Colin. I don't want her to be able to say we never told her about this and its important to me that we all commuincate. And this is so very important for Colin to do. He actually had a GREAT first day.. He was excited to go when I picked him up at school today and he was all smiles when I picked him up after his session today. Only the first day but I sure hope it holds out.

George was very sweet today too telling me how much he loved me and how wonderful it is for me to be doing this for Colin. I was very touched, but in reality I'm not doing anything or at least I don't feel like I am. In reality it is he that is doing the most by working his ass off to be able to provide this additional help for his son, cause it ain't cheap and for also picking up some slack for me financially since my hours will certainly be reduced and so will my paycheck and it was only part time as it is already.

while granted its only the first day, so to speak, for me to.. It actually kinda forces me to go to the gym to kill time, so I benefit there. And it gives Colin and I some time to bond a bit. he even told me thank you today on the way home. I think he knows this won't be a piece of cake but he also knows in his little 12 yr old heart, this will help him become a better student in the end. I could not ask for more than to see him take pride in himself, something I never did as a kid and still don't do as an adult, and if it means I shuttle him to Deerfield and back every day to provide that for him, then so be it.

I can tell the traffic on the way home will be hell from time to time, how George deals with that sometimes 4 to 5 days a week is beyond me, but I'm gonna find out, but at least for the most part I deal with one area of rush hour...he gets it in Milwaukee and then again near Chicago.. It took us an hour to get there today and an hour and 1/2 to get home. Colin got a nap on the ride home and since I was up at 4am today, I'm about ready for nighty night myself.

time to fill the void in my tummy, then curl up with a good book and I will be asleep in no time.

Day 6 - another lazy day

Another day of being lazy to some extent. Did a couple loads of laundry not much else. The kids went with their mom for several hours today. That left George and I with some time this afternoon. First he installed Windows XP on my laptop, had ME since I got the thing in 2002 so it was time for an upgrade, he had some issues at first with the wireless card but as usual where computers are concerned he got it all figured out. In today's day and age, I wish I had 1/2 his knowledge, but just not my nitch. Since I will have some time on my hands while Colin is at the learning center, George and I decided I should figure out how to get on line at places that offer free WiFi, such as Panera bread, Starbucks and such. So he treated me to lunch at Panera and showed me how it all works, was much easier than I thought. So we hit Borders next they offer TMobile which he has an account for and it too was just as easy.

Works out great since I will be getting my workouts in too at Lifetime in Skokie and they offer free WiFi in cafe. I'm sure somedays the 4 hrs will drag and others it will fly by. No matter what it means for me, its the help that Colin will get that is important right now.

I did manage a shoulder workout but no cardio for the day. I'll get plenty in this coming week as we all learn new patterns..

Day 5

Feeling like a total slug today. However got out with the run club today for our 5K training session. Today we did 2.3 mile route of 45 second jog/30 second walk. Afterward we went back inside and one of the personal trainers at the gym who is himself a runner, gave us pointers/advice on running form, hand placement, gait, stride, etc. I didn't realize I run with my shoulders hunched up so I need to work on this.

I had George drop me off at the club so I'd have to get myself back. We only live 2miles from the gym so I got in another 2miles of run/walk sessions. I had a pleasant surprise when I got home too. G had gotten laundry going, had vacuumed and dusted our room, had candles burning so it smelled great, I love those soy candles, they burn so nice and clean. He said we all need to pitch in and keep the house running since next week we start taking Colin back and forth to Deerfield and the Lindamood-Bell learning center. It was very very appreciated and so thoughtful.

so yes, on Monday we will start with the intensive sessions at the learning center. Monday - Friday, 4 hrs a day. In theory it doesn't sound to bad but in reality we live an hour from Deerfield if traffic is flowing smoothly and with all the construction in Chicagoland, during rush hour it don't run smoothly. Colin and I should miss any hassle with traffic on the way up, we will leave by noon to get there by 1pm, but the way home, well that will be another story. He will be getting done at 5pm, so we will be in the heart of rush hour. We will handle it no matter what because I really feel this will be so very worth it.

Day 4

Food will be on the rather bland side today.. I had a brite smile procedure done yesterday and for 24 hrs you can't eat things that might stain your teeth. I should see a nice drop tomorrow I hope from all this.. Been bouncing with the same .2 to .4 lbs for last couple of days or staying the same, all of that eventually signifies a drop is coming along soon.

I'm thrilled with the results of the brite smile, the process sucks but the results rock! Teeth are a bit sensitive today, so its a darn good thing I like room temp water. This was a reward from George for hitting my 6 wk goal. Personally I think there are GREAT things about our relationship and I hope we can get over the rocky areas to make it all work. He and the kids bring something to my life I never thought possible, a sense of family, but sometimes I just feel like a square peg in a round hole, but I also know its not easy meshing4 seperate personalities into one place. Well gotta scoot to work..

My boss has been supportive thus far about the kids, a change from tax season last year when I was told they weren't my problem but George's.. I think she knows now I don't and didn't feel that way. I couldn't care more for them then if I had given birth to them. We will see how supportive she will take me having to leave every day at 11:30 so I can get Colin to Deerfield by 1pm..

Day 3

Started off the day with a chest/back workout, then a run outside, it was much to beautiful here in Chicagoland to be indoors on the treadmill.

I was a bit pissed off this morning. for the 2nd time in less than a week, I had either asked George to work out and he didn't want to until 20 minutes after I had asked(this was sunday) realized he wasn't going to be ready until LATER as he put it, so I got in the shower and later happens to be after my shower??

Then today I didn't want him to feel I was pushing him, so I just asked if my working out downstairs would interfere with him getting work done, figuring if he wanted to get in a workout too, he woulda said 'mind if I join you' he didn't so I come upstairs after I'm done to get running gear, head downstairs to let him know I'm going for a run and what the fuck NOW all the sudden you want to work out. I don't get it. All I know is how much that knife felt plunged into my heart, similar to how my mother would make me feel, like I wasn't good enough. Why do you push me away in this area? Why am I not given a chance to change? Can't you understand the change won't happen overnight, but if never given the fucking opportunity what can be expected?

Then it was onto the learning center for results of Colin's test. Some great things and the others that were a bit lower than he should be weren't horrid AND the best part is I know they can help him and I know he will do well. It will mean about 180 hrs of instruction, 5 days a wk, 4 hrs a day, plus a trip from naperville to deerfield (an hour WITHOUT traffic) but I know the 'pain' that will be involved for all of us, will pay off 10 fold in the end. Colin actually seems excited about it too, granted it hasn't started yet but I will make every effort to make some fun of it, perhaps dinner at subway on occasion and maybe even a real treat when there is no school the next day, like a movie or something.

Something else that stuck in my craw but I just blew it off. We got to the center about 1/2 hr early, G had to use the restroom so we went to a place right there in the complex where learning center is. We both had not eaten so decided to sit at bar and grab a quick bite. I asked him what time it was, as we were waiting for our order, and he made some shitty comment about I guess I screwed up too with my choice of where to get something to eat... I didn't say a fucking thing other than I didn't have the centers number on me or we could call and say we were running just a bit late.. I was NOT fucking accusing anyone of anything.. I mean damn give me a break would ya - like I said I just blew it off, my concentration and focus had to be on what the center was going to tell us. But I honestly don't feel I deserved those words and the way they were spoken to me.

Got in my cardio for the day... I managed 45 minutes on the tredmill. I truly hate when I get lazy and put it off for later. I guess I'm always hoping I will have someone to go with me but I don't when I go in the morning and then when I wait, I don't seem to get as much out of it? Why that is I'm not sure.

Going to the learning center tomorrow to get the results of the tests Colin took. I guess as a parent, or sudo-parent in my case, you never want to hear your child has learning difficulties. However I think this learning center will be just what he needs to get back on track. He truly is a GREAT kid and he is not stupid at all, but something, somewhere isn't clicking. All I want for him is to see the look of pride on his face more often, the same look he had Friday when I got home from work and he couldn't wait to show me the A on his science test.

I'm not sure what George's reaction to the results will be.. I guess any parent, well any good parent, will automatically want to blame themselves. But the brain and how a particular person learns is such an individual thing. Hopefully they will be able to show Colin's ways to make learning easier for him.

Colin and I seem to be getting along pretty well in spite of the fact I do keep on him about his school work.. He is very disorganized and I think a lot of that comes from feeling overwhelmed with things. Today I took the time to clean his room and I thought he'd go thru the roof.. It wasn't really all that bad just tons of clutter, everywhere, once I got started, I was done in an hour. He came home from school and with that sheepish grin of his said "Kim did you move something in my room" I said why yes I did, all that clutter... He came down stairs and gave me a huge hug and said thank you, it looks very nice. I asked him to promise me to keep it that way that all it took was putting dirty clothes in the basket and wrappers or empty soda cans in the trash.. He said he would but I told him I WAS going to check on it each day.

Maybe all he has needed was someone to pay attention to him... Not that George doesn't, he does, but having been a child of divorce myself, I think kids go thru stages where younger boys seem to like a mother figure around and girls need their dads. I 've always said, girls gravitate toward their dad and boys toward their mother. Yes at some age that changes but at the younger ages I believe that is true.

Day 2

I know I should be happy the scale didn't go up but I almost hate it as much when it stays the same too. Mine weighs in .2 increments but maybe I need to find a scale that weighs in .1 increments, any change, no matter how small works well for me..

have not gotten in workout or cardio today...I'm off today so I have this afternoon, early, when the gym is less crowded. George and I tried to go last night but somehow we ended up in an arguement. In some way it was my fault. I'm having a hard time with all the candy around the house. I want some so bad and I'm like a fucking junkie trying to not give in to their DRUG.

I don't think I can do this alone but more and more each day I realize I AM doing it alone.

When I was married and I started on this path of going from 215 to 130, I kept hoping that my husband would come around to living a healthier life too. He was supportive for a while, but I honestly believe he kept thinking that it was just another weight loss regime I was on and I would eventually go back like I always had in the past. He would come up with every excuse in the book to not even try this with me. I offered to pack all his lunches, I learned, over time, how to cook healthier and make sure it still tasted wonderful, yet nothing worked.

It became harder and harder to do this on my own and once again in my life I felt all alone. I am feeling the same way now. I'm not sure why I feel that way, in reality George and the kids are supportive of me. But I always have in the back of my head that resentment will eventually come. Is it being fair to them, me judging by my past? No but what else do we have to go on?

Who needs to actually trick or treat?

I think I could have filled a small bag today on my run. There was so much candy, let alone empty wrappers, I came across on the sidewalks when I was out this morning. As I usually do, I had not eaten yet, prefer to do cardio on an empty stomach, so I was getting hungry toward the end. At one point a discarded or accidentally dropped nestle crunch that I almost ran over looked pretty good... thankfully I was close to home, run was almost over and I could get a hot shower and something much better for breakfast.

I remember after trick or treat when my brothers and I were kids... we'd sit there with our candy and barter with each other.... I'll give you two snickers for one hershey bar... course our mother always confiscated our candy first to "check it" and we always got it back without the candy bars in it. her excuse was that the wrapper was torn or looked damaged. Granted there was a time and probably still is that people did ignorant things and tainted candy with drugs or put things in it, but really mom in EVERY candy bar...

Being the curious kid I was and still am, I went searching around the house and found, in the small cabinet above the sink or stove that never gets used cause its to hard to get to, a bowl FULL of candy bars.... wonder where they came from....

Day 1 of a new month

Made it thru Halloween ok.. First for candy to hand out, I've learned to get things I don't like, that way I'm not tempted to munch on it. I don't care for peanut butter and while I like nuts, I don't like them in candy.... so things like Reese's peanut butter cups, snickers, almond joys, etc are all safe around me.

What the kids bring home, I'm sure they will eat it till the cows come home so it won't be around long and they keep it in their rooms. I did score a couple of rolls of smarties from them and that was enough.

As for me, its time to get my butt out the door and go for a run. I am training to run my first 5K on December 11th. I chat with a gal on the internet who runs ULTRA's (long races) 50K's, 100K's, 100 mile runs... And another friend that ran her first tri this summer, these ladies inspire me. I've never been a runner but things can always change. Better to start with a small race and then i can work up from there, if I want..