Day 25 - Feeling Depressed

I'm really feeling down today and I haven't a clue as to why? I've been trolling the fridge, like something NEW is going to appear in there right, anyhow, I'm trying hard to keep it in check, I'm doing ok but when I get like this for some reason I just want to eat. Yet I know eating things I shouldn't or even over eating things I should will only make me feel more depressed later, so what the fuck gives? Am I just tired? Is it post holiday day let down.. I mean usually I get this feeling after Christmas but not after Thanksgiving, and yesterday was such a wonderful and relaxing day. Maybe its the let down of having accomplished a goal I've wanted to do? But then again I didn't feel this depressed the day after the bodybuilding competition? I don't have answers and I know just coming here won't find them for me but maybe just getting it out on "paper" so to speak will serve as some sort of therapy.

I went to the gym today and did legs but didn't get in any cardio. I guess in hindsight I should have just driven myself instead of going with George. He got his run in while I did legs and by the time I was done, he had his 5 miles in and I knew he wouldn't want to hang around another 45 minutes while I did cardio and I couldn't expect him to either. If the situation were reversed it wouldn't matter to me, if I had gotten in my workout and had to hang around, I'd just lessen the intensity and walk or put up the incline and just get in some more time. But I can't expect everyone to be like that.

I'd like to go see my brother but I'm not up to making that drive to be quite honest. I really don't feel like being there with my SIL entire family either and depending on the time I got there I know most of them would have left, but still its a long drive to make. Not that the SIL family is terrible, quite the opposite they are wonderful wonderful people, I'm just not up to 25+ peeps and kids. I'd love to have Caitlin and Colin go along with me but I know damn well Colin is no where near done with his assignments that are due on Monday so that is out of the question and I won't even bring it up.

Plus I really feel like I've made an enemy out of a friend and part of me is pissed at myself for that but the other part of me feels I have every right to be a bit pissed off at her too. I guess its up to me what I do at this point but I really felt a bit hurt and betrayed to be quite honest. I confided in this person about some other things between George and I that were bugging me and I asked Erin to be completely honest with me in what she thought.

This goes back to earlier in the year but George felt this need to continue a friendship with an ex girlfriend, there is a lot more to the story and why this particular friendship continuation bothered me but nothing I really feel like getting into here. Erin had emailed me regarding a new job she had interviewed for with LA weightloss and she innocently asked how things were going. When I replied with not so great... well I'm sure I've saved the emails much easier to copy/paste.

Erin wrote:>Hey there Kim,>>Hope all is well in your little corner of the world!

From: Kimberly TO: Erin Re: New job!!!>Date: Fri, 18 Feb 2005 14:50:52 -0800 (PST)>>Well to be quite honest, things are NOT so great in my little corner of the >world. My weight is up and I could care less, I seem to be consuming a >bag, yes a bag of hershey kisses every other day, if not more. George and >I are arguing basically because I found out he is talking to Tonya a lot >more than he lets on and I told him he needed to make a choice. And its >not just her calling him, he is the one initiating the calls and yes it >bothers me. He is upset I am disrupting the family unit working these >extra hours during tax season (2 nites 9-9 and 9-5 on saturday) - I don't >know I guess there is a lot more to it, this is just my side and condensed.>>I am not proud of what I did but I had to know, and maybe that's my fault >to but the other day I was at the computer and noticed his cell phone bill >laying there. He had already opened it so its not like I opened it but I >was no more in the right even looking at it but as wrong as it was I did. >Erin HE is calling her 2 and 3 times a week, sometimes multiply times a >day, sending her text messages, I can only imagine they converse via email >too! I realize my looking at his cell bill was not right but do you think >its right he chooses to carry on this relationship with her? I'm I wrong >in that thinking? Please be honest with me PLEASE!>

From: "Erin To kimSubject:Re: New job!!!Date:Sat, 19 Feb 2005 06:23:00 -0500

Wow! I'm sorry to hear about Tonya. Regardless of whether or not it was right or wrong to look at a phone bill it doesn't change the fact that he's "cheating" on you. And I'm sorry to say I feel it's a form of cheating. YOU should be Geo's best friend....the person he can talk to, go to, confide in. Not some other woman. I know he feels she "understands" him but truth is she's a nut case. Plus she drags him down. Sometimes he surprises me
in that he's such a capable strong person but then he'll fall into this helpless headcase victim persona. Know what I mean? They feed off each other's negativity and drag each other down. Why would he want anything
like that? And as far as tax season screwing up the family unit I think that's 1. bullshit, because continuing a relationship of any kind with Tonya BEHIND YOUR BACK is doing more damage to the family unit than your job and 2. bullshit, because you aren't his maid/nanny/concubine. Do you complain about the hours he's gone with work and you're stuck talking care of the house and HIS kids? Maybe you do but he should be able to see it's a give and take situation. You aren't there for HIS convience.

So life rolls along and we continue (G and I) to have our ups and downs as any relationship does then we hit another rocky patch and this same person who proceeds to tell me that G carrying on a relationship with Tonya is 'cheating' on me basically is doing the very thing she proposed was so wrong.

I was at the computer looking to go to Jen's website one day and in the address window (to lazy to type it all in again) I went to go to Jennifers website and I guess Erin's and George's private little blog must have been right above or below Jen's and I must have hit it instead of Jen's cause to say I was a bit taken back was an understatment. At first I looked at the page that loaded and knew I had gone to the wrong address in the window, yet as I read on I really had a terrible sense of betrayal. So I guess in Erin's mind it wasn't ok for G to have conversations with Tonya yet in her mind its ok for her to have this "secret blog" that only George knew about. Sorry but I think its the same damn thing just a different venue. And then to post in your blog:
**Kim emailed asking about the November show. She wants to go to a different show if I don't go to Rockford/Belvedere. I said I was going but if she wants to go to the other she should go. I'll hang with Geo. Secretly, I hope she goes to the other. I love Kim but I'd really like the time alone with George. Since they became a couple I sometimes feel awkward. I guess because I don't want her to think I'm overstepping boundaries as a woman/man thing. I'm cautious of what I say or do when she's around. To be honest, I want George to be mine once in awhile.**

Well first of all wouldn't your 'husband' love to know about this, I'd venture to say he isn't even aware of the fact that at one time G and Erin did sleep together and second of all, never once EVER had I given Erin any reason to feel awkward NEVER.. Seems to me you'd only feel awkward if your intentions are/were less than being just his friend - nope I encouraged her to come visit and hang out, I welcomed it as a matter of fact, because she can do something for George I can't do, and that is be a show off in the gym, its not in my nature, I don't need external stroking to my ego, but its fine that some do. But now fucking eh right if I feel like I can trust her.

Trust another depressing issue for me. I struggle with it constantly.