Time - where does it go?

Yikes slacking in blogger world again... One day its Memorial day weekend and you blink and its labor day...

well once again my consistancy with working out has become VERY hit or miss. I did however hit d/t chicago last thursday at 9pm for the Nike Hit Remix run.. talk about a fun event.. its a fun run, no chip timing, 5 miles thru chicago, a band at every mile mark and a party in grant park after.. went w/group from the run club... what a riot.. will definately put this run on next yrs calendar! but maybe I'll train for it this time.. 5 miles no training to speak of, equals sore legs, knees, etc..

I think the best part was a group of us wanted pizza and beer afterward, its going on 11pm and little did we know that side of chicago rolls up the sidewalks, we tried several pizza places no luck, till finally someone directed us to a place that stayed open till 2am... in we go, order food, then drinks, then we wait and wait and wait.... finally had to tell waiter, we need pizza boxed, need tab, we gotta run, literally, we have 12 city blks to go and a last train to catch or we are stuck in the city till wee hours of the morning - so out the door we go with about 20 min... 8 of us, eating pizza as we were walking REALLY fast to the train station.. got about 5 min now we are running the last couple of blks.. I mean you miss the last train and your stuck there till they run again in the am.... so we make it in the time of nick.. sit down, doors close, WHEW THAT was close.... ticket taker comes by and is cracking up at us eating pizza, then one of the gals whips out a container she 'borrowed' shall we say, from the resturant of parm cheese and crushed red pepps... I thought we were all going to pee our pants we were laughing so hard.

Workout July 12 - Back/Chest/Shoulders

Close Grip Pulldowns - 2 x 11 x 85 and 1 x 11 x 90
DB Incline Press - 3 x 11 x 30
BB Bentover Row - 1 x 11 x 45 and 2 x 11 x 55
DB Flat Fly - 3 x 11 x 20
DB Rear Lat Raise - 3 x 11 x 10
DB Side Lat Raise - 3 x 11 x 10

then did 20 minutes of intervals on elliptical... suppose to be first training run with the nike group tonight but after legs yesterday and then running, and pushing probably a bit harder than I should have, my knees are a bit tender... see how they feel later today.. might go and just do run 1 min./walk 1 and alternate for the 3 miles...

Running again

so I join the run club in May 2005, get out for a run here or there with the group since the 5K class at that time didn't gather enough interest.. finally in fall of 05, the class happened and I did my first 2 5k's - in the cold weather.. I hate the cold and don't care much for running, its a means to an end and it satisfied me cause its something I always wanted to do.... so on advice of trainer when prepping for May competition, I had to cut out running, no body fat or less of it, less cushion on the joints, makes sense... so now I've got a goal of doing a 1/2 marathon in October (down from a full, to much to soon) so anyhow I've realized I needed to get back to running and working back up to my stamina of previous.....

so of course I pick today to begin again... and ended up running 3 miles in the pouring rain and humidity... of course don't ya know the rain stopped just as we got back to the club... figures eh????

so after leg workout today, running this evening, I'm certain when DOMS sets in its gonna hit hard!

My 'DATE'

Well from the moment we met we barely stopped talking. It was like Denise and I had known each other for sometime, and except for the conversation of getting to know someone type questions, you would have never known we hadn't been friends for ages.

She is really super nice and we had such a great time. The waiter had to come back a few times before we shut up long enough to actually read the menu and order. I look forward to getting to know her better. Heck we chatted so long we almost were late for our movie... I guess we had to shut up then...

Saw the Devil Wears Prada - and while it wasn't as funny as the trailers lead you to believe, it was a great movie, I enjoyed it and give it a thumbs up. Highly doubt it would be enjoyed by the men in your lives ladies but a super chick flix and good reason to go hang with a friend!

Workout July 11 - Legs and Arms

I know I know this was suppose to be done yesterday, just couldn't drag my ass outta bed for legs yesterday.

Squats - 1 x 10 x 45 and 4 x 12 x 75
Leg Ext. - 1 x '10 x 30 and 2 x 12 x 45 (one set toes in, one set toes out)
Leg Curl - 1 x 10 x 35, 1 x 12 x 60 and 1 x 11 x 60
BB Curl - 1 x 10 x 20, 1 x 12 x 40 and 2 x 12 x 30 (someone had the 35lb bar)
EZ Curl Tri Ext - 3 x 12 x 25 (could go up here)
Tricep rope pushdown - 1 x 10 x 30 and 2 x 12 x 40
DB Hammer Curl - 2 x 12 x 15
Standing Calf Raise - 1 x 12 x 45 (oly.bar) 3 x 12 x bodyweight (toe in, toe out, straight ahead)

I learned a lot training with Jen Abrams, how to manipulate foot placement to hit various areas of the same muscle, hence the toes in, toes out placement on Leg Ext and Calf Raises. I also learned from Jen Hendershott's PHAT camp, that you can do a lot of work to legs without a lot of weight, heck even Jen Abrams had me doing tons of isometric stuff for legs.. I didn't want to make them larger, just leaner and tighter, well do some plie squats and REALLY squeeze on the up, no weights at all and after a few sets you'll be sweatin'.

One thing Jen A. did teach me, but it really cramps up my calf muscle and feet.. is on leg curl (lying) toes need to be pointed, not flexed.. I CAN feel how it hits the belly of the hamstring different, but damn near the end of 12 reps I can feel a cramp building in my calf and feet.. course I've always had problems there, not quite sure why... maybe time for a good blood workup to make sure I'm not lacking in any minerals or something strange like that..

Anyhow a good workout, tonight will be running with run club...

Meeting and making new friends

I guess in reality I moved from Delaware for all the wrong reasons. But I like to live by the adage that everything, even wrong things, happen for a reason. To teach us lessons, put us in different places in our lives, help us grow and become stronger, the list goes on.

I even believe that everyone you encounter comes into your life for a reason - how does that saying go... some come into your life and stay forever leaving footprints on your heart, others come into our lives to teach us a lesson and once that lesson is learned, their purpose is served and we/they move on.

So even though at times I feel I made the wrong decision, maybe it wasn't after all. One thing I know for sure is I miss my friends terribly. I never knew how much I'd miss not having my best friend within a short drive, someone to visit, go to a movie with, chat over coffee or tea about nothing, someone to cry over a silly chick flix, etc.

In addition at 40 its hard to find places to make new friends. Unless you have kids in the school system or you work for a larger company, where DO you go to meet others with similar interests? You just can't walk up to some stranger in the grocery store and say "HI MY NAME IS KIM, I'M LOOKING FOR A FRIEND, WOULD YOU BE MY NEW FRIEND" sure try that and see if your not locked up in the looney bin.. men in white coats coming to get you with that funny jacket to slip into...

So something my boss did gave me an idea... the other weekend she had extra tickets to Ravinia, an outdoor concert venue, she posted a message on craigs list under strictly platonic to go to the concert that she had 3 tickets... it worked out well for her, she ended up meeting a really nice lady friend and now they seem to be hitting it off and hangin' out more often.

So I posted under the same heading, strictly platonic, that I has moved back to this area in 2004 and was looking to meet some new friends to hang out with (I mean the ad was worded differently but that was the gist of it) well I got some great response from other ladies in the same boat... either new to the area or had been stay at home moms and they too were looking for friends to meet and get to know.

One lady in particular, thru exchanging several emails, we seem to hit it off. She is 37 has been a SAHM, raising 5 kids, 12 yr old boy, 11 yr old boy triplets and a 10yr old girl, whew no wonder she hasn't been out. Anyhow she and I are going to meet up tonight. Going to have dinner then go see the new movie that is out The Devil Wears Prada.

We seem to have a lot in common, even though she is a mom and I'm not.. We are both into running (she more than I), she is fascinated by the whole bodybuilding thing and promises not to ask to many questions bout it (i thought that was funny and told her she could ask all she wanted) - actually a good mix,she can keep me motivated to run and be my running companion from time to time and I can encourage her to do some weight training and again be my partner from time to time. Both like downtown Chicago but hate to go alone, like baseball games but not on TV at the stadium, window shopping, museums, zoo, etc.. So I'm very excited to meet her tonight and see if indeed we could become friends.

Typically I am VERY shy and reserved but just in our email exchanges we seem to get along like we've already known each other, so I might find I won't be as shy as I think...

HHHMMM maybe I SHOULD try the whole internet dating thing if this works out :o)

Workout July 9 - Back/Chest/Shoulders

George actually joined me at the gym, I know he feels my workouts are pretty disjointed and well they are but for right now I just needed to do something.

Close Grip Lat pulldowns - 1 x 10 x 45 and 3 x 12 x 80
DB Incline Presses - 1 x 10 x 20 and 3 x 12 x 30
BB Bentover Rows - 3 x 12 x 45 (bar only)
DB flat Fly - 1 x 12 x 12.5, 1 x 12 x 15 and 1 x 12 x 17.5
DB Seated Rear Lat Raise - 3 x 12 x 10
DB Side Raise - 3 x 12 x 10

sets x reps x poundage

These are workout schemes from the leanness lifestyle muscle professor, like I said I just need some structure right now and this helps me not just to go flying by the seat of my pants. Its not like I don't know what to do, I feel I'm just floundering a bit here lately.... doubting my own ability I guess, so whats new there?

Tomorrow will be legs and arms!

The buck stops here, right here right NOW!

don't know whats come over me, well yes I do... I've been feeling depressed with everything that is and isn't going on and in the last 2 wks, I've gained 10 fucking pounds.. Its amazing but what was not even a temptation to me when prepping for May, is now something I can't say no to. The boss has been buying lunch and then ice cream in the late afternoon and with the way I've been feeling its just been hard to say NO.

Well that buck stops here damn it! I REFUSE fucking refuse to let myself gain another ounce - eating crap and not working out is NOT going to solve my financial problems, my relationship issues, my no friends to hang with worries, my missing my best friend situation - NONE of it not one iota is solved by shoveling food in my mouth - oh sure it makes me 'FEEL' better for a moment but only for a moment... I want to feel better all the time and that only happens when I am consistant with clean eating and working out.

TEAM ABRAMS MAY 6, 2006

amazing what you can figure out how to do when your up to early. I've seen some friends with myspace accounts have these cool slide shows, so I checked it out and whatya know, its pretty darm simple to use....

Another catch up...

Lots to catch up on where do I start? Guess we can start were I left off eh? Well my last post about what was going on was in Feb... so we can start from there. George and I decided that our living together was not working out, we gave it a shot but we just didn't mesh being in the same house. I like things a certain way, as does he, does not make one persons way right or wrong, the two just didn't work under the same roof.

Thought maybe things would be better between us when I moved out but they were not, so, hopefully, at the very least, we can remain friends. Hard to say. I know right now any time I say anything about the kids he feels I am dissing him and his job as a parent. I know I am NOT a parent but I don't think in the parent handbook it ever said things would be easy, that your kids would like everything about you or love everything you make them do.. I do know that you can not be the custodial full time parent and parent with the weekend parent mentality just because you don't want you kids to hate you. Its not that they hate YOU rather the decision you made for them and yes sometimes that decision has to be no phone, no TV, no internet until grades are brought up or rooms picked up...

sadly, even though he thinks different, I really and truly only want the best for both Caitlin and Colin. I see so much potential but I'm afraid that potential could be over looked because someone might not give them a 2nd chance because of grades - he likes to comment on how our trainer, who is a VERY smart and bright woman, can be perceived by others as being just a dumb bodybuilder because she is not the worlds greatest speller and yes that is very true, but how do you think others are going to perceive your own children when they look at grades and such when its time for them to hit the work world or become (hopefully) college bound? Or what freshman teacher or 8th grade teacher this coming year might not even give them a 2nd thought because of their grades? Well I can't chance it, I can only keep them in my prayers that they will do better and before its too late.

So I moved into my apartment in March, with Georges help both physically and financially. I haven't done a lot to it, pictures on the wall, that type of stuff, cause well I've been broke and I was pretty in the thick of training for the competition and it was gym, work, gym, home, plus it was the height of tax season at the Schreiber Group too... Funny I thought previously there would be NO way I could prepare for a competition during tax season, but it wound up just the opposite... It forced me to focus and keep a tight schedule so I could get it all in.

Competition day came OHGOSH it was such a fab. day. I gained so much working with Jennifer Abrams. I know I've said it before but I've got to say it again, this lady knows her shit.. She trains the entire person. She just does not spit out eat this, lift that, do this, don't do that... Nope she learns who YOU are, what motivates YOU and what motivates one may not another, but she learns this about every single client and gears the training with them based on those parameters. She KNEW instinctively what I needed and when, both mentally and physically, its amazing, she is amazing! If I could change one thing about Jen.....it would be her lack of ability to be on time...while for me, when she was 20 minutes late to a training session it didn't matter, I got my full hour with her and I didn't have to be anywhere else on Thursdays, it might put someone else off and I'd hate for anyone to miss out on her great skills as a personal trainer because she can't be on time... Not everyone will have nothing planned for the rest of their day and lets face it being on time it just being respectful of someone else's time.. We are ALL late on occasion, Jen is 99% of the time late, but she is juggling lots of stuff too... Like I said for me, at the time, no big deal.

I was a smidge depressed after the competition. I mean there is all this build up to this one day and BAM it comes, it goes so fast, then the next day there is nothing. Kinda like a wedding, or Christmas day for me. But I managed to keep it in check this time, I have NOT gained 50 pounds. I seem to be holding steady at 5 to 10 pounds above show day and that is quite respectable. NO bodybuilder looks like they do day in and day out as they do on show day. You are so dehydrated that one day, carb depleted, mostly eating protein, that once your body gets back some water and you have your treats you've been abstaining from, the body holds it fast thinking OMgosh I might never get this again... you can literally be up, scale weight, 10-20 pounds within a day or so afterwards... most of its water weight. But as long as mentally you know that and you don't go on all out binges for days/weeks on end, you can keep the whole thing in check.

Now on the work front... well I've realized that I must get back to full time income. Went part time when George and I were living together, this allowed me to help with kids and unknown to us at the time would allow me to help with getting Colin to the learning center everyday. I knew at the time when I went p/t there was NO guarantee my boss could take me back on full time if my situation changed. Well my situation changed, she does not have full time work for me, so onto other options. First Andrea did NOT want to lose me to another job, which makes me feel good, makes me know I am a good employee, so she had some clients that don't want to pay her fees to do stuff for them once a week or every other week, so Andrea helped me set up my own bookkeeping business and I started to help her clients. Well it didn't work out as we had hoped. The one client was so slow in paying me, another is not consistent with when he needs me, and another is so freaking busy he has yet to have time to sit down with me to show me just what he needs - well I need steady and definite income right now and so begins the job search...

I spent weeks updating my resume, combing the on line ads for postings, sending out resumes via mail, fax or email, waiting for responses, filling out on line applications, going on interviews.. I mean I'm sure you all know the process and IT can be a full time job by itself.. So finally after a few weeks of this madness, I got a job with the Addison School District, I will be the (well not sure of my exact title) direct assistant to the Assistant superintendent of Business. I think this will be a great opportunity. My new boss is in charge of the business ($$) affairs for the school, she is the treasurer, as well as in charge of the complete renovation the district is going thru, she seems like a busy lady who was very up front in the interview in saying I need someone that can anticipate what I need, that can deal with me coming thru for an hour between meetings saying I need this that and the other, that can be organized as she admitted she is not.... I think I can fit this bill. Oh sure you have to get to know someone for a bit before you can anticipate their needs but I pick up on things pretty quickly. So anyhow I start there on the 19th. My current boss Andrea was almost in tears when I told her, but she also understands this is what I have to do and she has asked me to keep my keys to the office and if they get swamped she has asked if I'd come by at night or on the weekends to help out, well of course I will! And I will help in the evenings during tax season, it will be extra money and hopefully a way I can pay back George for some of his help.

Well speaking of catching up, I have some much needed catch up to do at the Laundromat... yes I know what fun, your so jealous of me right now aren't ya????

Forgot to say

You can view the individual routine I did for the show at this website.

www.pradelproductions.com
click enter
find link for Grand Prix 2006 posing routines
then look for my name when you click on it, it will download and play on windows media player - the speed of the download depends on your internet connection.

Me before heading to evening judging

The Way I See It

While grocery shopping this morning, I stopped and got a hot chocolate at Starbucks. The have these (sometimes) interesting sayings/quotes on their cups and what was on my cup today is worth sharing.

Quoted by Tiana Tozer 92 paralympic silver and 96 bronze medalist in women's wheelchair basketball.
"They told you that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. What they failed to tell you is that it is best seen with the eyes closed. What you look like isn't important. What is important is who you are INSIDE and the choices you are making in your life."

I think that is #1 beautiful and #2 so true. As terrible as it sounds, I've often said I wish God had made all of us without sight. WHY? Well because then we would learn to know people by how they treat us. We wouldn't be turned off or never even give that person a chance to be a part of our lives because they dressed different, or were not blessed with the gift of beauty or were in a wheel chair, or whatever.

I am just as guilty as the next human in the fact that you see someone who is 'different' in dress, hair style, looks, whatever and you don't even give that person a chance. When in reality they could have turned out to be your best friend, lover or mate, if only we could look beyond the outer shell.

While I too would miss the beauty that God has provided in nature if indeed He made us without sight.... I wonder how many more wonderful people could be or could have been a part of my life, if I had not judge them FIRST by outer appearance?

WOW time flies

Just wanted to pop in quickly and let everyone know I'm still alive... ALOT has changed since my last post and I promise now that life is somewhat back to normal, I will update with photos and such. Seeing as how the last photos posted were when I was 14 wks out I guess I do have some catch up to do.

The day of the show, Saturday May 6th, was a SPECTACULAR day. I had a great trainer guide me along the way and it made this experience the 2nd time totally different. While my first competition in Nov 2004 was a great experience, this one topped it 1000 fold.

I will leave for now with a picture of TEAM ABRAMS from the day of the competition!

From left to right - ME, Carlos, John, Jen, Cordula, and down front is our awesome coach Jennifer Abrams.

Back Training Today

Today was my training day w/Jen.. We worked back... Unfortunately we didn't get in any posing. She got a call that her daughter was sick and she had to pick her up from school. I've often wondered how she gets everything done she does, training I don't know how many clients, a mom to two beautiful kids, a wife to a very active hubby, and getting ready to go for her PRO card in July at Team Universe.. I guess its all in the planning - something I need to work on..

However the other day she sent me a schedule of our next 14 wks of training, so that helps me to plan my other days and muscle groups from now till the competition.

I don't keep track of me poundages when I work out with Jen.. I just go with whatever she hands me or sets the machine at... but we did seated rows, wide grip pull downs, dumbell rows, two at a time and independantly and also standing straight arm lat pull downs, I guess you'd call them. I have to focus on NOT using my traps.. She is constantly having to correct my sets as I naturally want to pull up in the traps... NOT GOOD since they will develop naturally with all the other exercises. So we lightened the load a few times hoping that would take the traps out of the equation, but it still has to be a concious effort on my part and I just don't realize I'm doing it to be honest..

I finished off with some back extensions after she left. then hit the elliptical, the one with the arms that move back and forth for 45 minutes, then wolfed down my protein shake and headed for home.. Tried to nap but couldn't fall asleep, so I said what the hell and went to the gym and did 30 minutes on the recumbant stationary bike - man what is it about that thing that really works them quads?

Tomorrow the kids go to Texas for the weekend to see their mom. Luckily she works for ATA so flights are free, they fly non-revenue but when its not peak holiday time there generally aren't any issues with them not getting a seat. So George and I will get a nice adult weekend to ourselves.

Heading to dinner Saturday night with some friends but so far that is the only planned thing. Frankly I don't care if the rest of our weekend is spent at the gym or in our PJ's watching Fraiser reruns! Its been a while since we've had some him and me alone time, or at least alone time where we didn't have to worry that the kids could be dropped off at any moment..

So break out the adult toys ;o)

Posing Practice 1/26/06 - 14 wks/2days out.

All pictures courtesy of Jennifer Abrams - www.jenniferabrams.net - if you live in Midwest and need a kick ass trainer, she is your gal. Posing is exhausting and she must have snapped a picture of me grabbing a drink.
14 wks out Right Side Tricep
14 wks out Rear Lat Spread - I have to get rid of that shift in my hips.
14 wks out Rear Double Bicep and that hip shift again makes you look wider than you are in that area, not good, gotta work on that.
Overhead Abs - as body leans down over next 14 wks the ABS will show more - never having had children I don't have some of the issues with abs others do, but then again Jen has had 2 children and that gal has ABS you can do your laundry on! Washboard for sure!
I like this shot the best - #1 I like the side chest shot and #2 this is the smile I must portray to the judges on May 6th - its not easy to remember to smile with every muscle in your body being flexed tight and held till they say RELAX... and relax is never REALLY relaxed, gotta stay tight on stage.
Front lat Spread - might show more when I start doing practice posing in my bathing suit.
Front Double Bicep

One's Roots

Catching up on a lot of the blogs I like to read and after reading Turtle Guy's post about being adopted, it really got me thinking. I know I'm not adopted but I also have NO IDEA who my father is and I guess this has really left me feeling empty for a long time..

I was the oldest of 3, there were more but my mother miscarried a set of twins and two other children, I think, at least that is the story she tells. I went along my life thinking Don and Noel were my brothers, same mom, same dad. However I did come to find out different one day.

I don't recall how I found my birth certificate. I'm sure I was being the nosey somebody that I am. but I was somewhere between 12 - 14 yrs old when I discovered that I was not who I thought I was.

I had been registered in school and had always gone by the last name of Hancock. how that happened I have no idea, I can only speculate that at the time I was registered for school you did not have to show a birth certificate, again just speculation on my part. But upon finding my birth certificate I saw the name of Kimberly Rae Hampton. Thinking this had to be someone else but the date of birth was the same as mine and the mother listed was my mother, but the person listed as the father was someone I had NEVER heard of or known in my life. To the best of my knowledge and all I knew was Donald Cecil Hancock was my father, even though they had divorced when I was about 8 yrs old maybe. I was shocked and felt very lost, I already didn't have a great relationship with my mother, now to find this..

Well I'm sure what I was told when I confronted her was not the truth, hell I know its not the truth but its all I had to go on. I was told that she got pregnant by this man John Hampton, they married when she was about 6 months pregnant with me. However he was an alcoholic and he beat her, so she divorced him when I was about 6 months old. Again I don't know this man so I can't say if he was those things or not.

So the only 'father' I ever knew was Donald Cecil Hancock. You would have NEVER known I was not his natural daughter, because I was spoiled rotten by this man. I do recall I wanted for nothing and I mean nothing. If it was in his power, I got it. If we drove by a McDonalds, regardless of the fact I had just eaten, if I said I wanted a hamburger, he stopped and got it for me. We had 'our' time when he and I would put together puzzles, we had our own special card table for it and my brother Don (who is 2 yrs younger) was not allowed to help, this was my time with my daddy. My brother had his time too with his dad, but I was a spoiled rotten daddy's girl. I went everywhere with him. And even the time he ran into some friends house for a few moments and left me in the car and I decided to put the car in neutral and it rolled down the hill and into a tree (I was not hurt but the car was) I was never punished. I hated my mother when she divorced him.

I know they fought a lot. And now that I am older I also know he was not the best husband. But I can assure you my mother was not the best wife either. He was a player, he liked women. I'm not sure if he needed another woman in his life because he was not getting what he needed from my mother, be it mentally or physically, but he did have affairs. But I didn't know that as a child. Even after they divorced I still had no idea I was not his natural daughter. We were allowed to spend weekends with him and such and I looked forward to those times. However there came a time when my mother forbid us to see him anymore. I still don't know why. I think he stopped paying her child support and that was the root of it. Her way to say well I'll show him kinda thing, I don't know...

I recall one time at my grandmothers house, her and my mom were going thru some old photos and my grandmother wanted to show me some pictures but my mother snatched them from her and said I was not ready for that yet. Many years later I later came to find out that those were pictures of my mother with the man listed on my birth certificate as my father.

I say the man listed on my birth certificate because I honestly don't think even he is my natural father. After I had found my birth certifcate and realized that I was only a 1/2 sister to my brothers (same mom, different dads) I recall having a conversation with my grandmother about having found out that Don Hancock was not my dad. My grandmother said well its about time you found out. I said yes now if I could just find this John Hampton person, she said why would you want to find him, he isn't your dad? Well I'm sure the look on my face made her realize she just opened another can of worms by accident. She proceeds to tell me that this man is also not my father, that my mother met him when she was already pregnant with me and they married when she was about 6 months along. Then she pulled out some photos of my mother with this man John Hampton and it was obvious to me (I was now 16 or 17 at the time) that genetically there wasn't any way I was an offspring of the man in this photo. this man was dark skinned, I'd say of cherokee Indian or latin decent, that dark olive colored complexion and his hair was jet black. I'd say the odds of the dominant male gene he had producing someone like me with fair skin, red hair and freckles was very very slim.. Impossible no but very very slim.. couple that with the cat my grandmother just let out of the bag and I'm pretty safe in saying John Hampton is not/was not my natural father but rather a name on a birth certificate.

I have confronted my mother with this, recently and at the time it came up many moons ago and of course I'm told that is my grandmother telling me stories. Well I'm more likely to believe my grandmother. However she is no longer around to ask.

I guess in the end this leaves me feeling very lost. Like I don't know who the other part of me is. I mean I don't have a great relationship with my mother, so its hard when you don't know who your father is either. I don't want anything from this person but to know where I came from really. To know if I have any other 1/2 siblings out there, family/grandparents, aunts uncles, cousins etc I don't know?

The only 'father' I ever knew has since passed away but I can recall him calling me one night out of the blue.. I mean it had been AGES since I had ever seen him and I guess he was sick and dying and contacted my brother (his natural son) and my brother gave him my number. I remember that call like it was yesterday. I don't normally answer calls when the ID comes up unknown or unavailable, its always a sales call, but this one time I did because it was like 10:30 at night and I was ready to reem a new asshole to some marketer making a call at this hour. and when the person on the other end said is Kim there, I immediately knew the voice, he said this is Don Hancock, your.... and he trailed off and I finished it for him I said my dad. We talked for a while and I told him I now knew he was not my daddy but in my heart would always be my daddy, I think or at least I hope that made him feel better. But even he could not answer my questions about who my true and natural sperm donor was. I guess in reality that is all that person was, a sperm donor... I hate to feel like that because maybe he too wanted to know who I am/was but my mother wouldn't let that happen...

so I go thru life not dwelling on it but at certain times I think about it. I don't even have ANY clue as to where I could begin to find the truth because my mother is of no help. Even if John Hampton is not my father, I'd love to find him and maybe he would have answers for me, but she isn't of any help in supplying me with any information there either... another reason I guess I can't believe her story that he is my dad. And a name like John Hampton is so common it would take me forever to find the right one.

I guess reading Turtle Guys post about adoption made me think about all this today... however I'm happy for Turtle Guy in that it seems his adoptive parents gave him a very nice life, I wish I could feel that way about mine growing up..

Comparison shots

14 wks out Nov 2005 14 wks out May 2006


14 wks out Nov 2005 14 wks out May 2006

Posing Shots 14 wks out from Nov 2005 Show

These are not from today. They are actually when I was 14 wks out from competing in November of 2005. Life got in the way and I never did that show, but I thought it might be interesting to see how they compare to the shots we took today, since I am almost EXACTLY at the same point, 14 wks out.

Once I get today's shots I will see if I can once again figure out the posting.. But left to right you have side chest, rear lat spread and rear double bicep.. you can see in rear dbl bicep the shinyness of my skin from the sweating I was doing at that point..

In my meeting with Jen today, neither of us realized I was at the exact same time spot of 14 wks out but she said today when she saw me that I looked leaner then at this same stage last time..

Legs today with Jen

She kills me but in a good way and after all I suggested we work legs. They are my worst area. I know once I continue to strip away the bodyfat, the upper body's muscularity will shine thru but the legs... well they are gonna take some concentrated effort.

Squats - 1 x 15 x 95, 1 x 15 x 115 and 1 x 15 x 135
Dead Lifts - 1 x 15 x 85 and 1 x 15 x 95
Smith Machine Lunges - 1 x 15 x ??
Free Standing Leg Up Lunges - 1 x 15 x 20
Seated Leg Extensions - 1 x 10 x 60 and 1 x 10 x 60 but varied toes in, toes out, and straight up
Seated Leg Extensions - 1 x 10 x 30 these were single leg at a time so 10 w/right and 10 w/left
Hamstring Curls - 2 x 15 x 40

I think that last set of squats might have only been 12 I was dying and lost count. It was a bit to heavy for me to go ass to the grass on that last set and when you start to wobble side to side. i have no problem w/dead lifts other than my damn grip gives out on me. ?? on the weight for SM Lunges since I have no idea what the bar weighs but I had 2-10's on each side, so plate weight was 40 total. The other lunges she had me take two 10's plates, one in each hand, step back, then lunge down, but when your bringing that back leg forward, you pull it up so you knee is at 90 degrees now in front of you and your standing on one leg, with it slightly bent to hit ham and some quad.. My ASS was burning from these. then onto the pain of the Leg Ext and Ham Curls. but oh evil one was not done with me yet... no sir...

We headed down to the locker room, out comes the camera and we practiced posing. If you have ever been to a bodybuilding competition there are madatory poses you go thru on stage with everyone in your class (classes are diffrent with each show) - well posing is a workout all of its own. The basics are front double bicep, side chest, front lat spread, rear lat spread, rear double bicep, side tricep, and hands overhead abdominals (guys also get this whacky pose called a crab most muscular thankfully in most shows women don't have to do this one) - well with each pose you must hit it, and hold it and at the same time your flexing every single muscle in your body and then you have to smile pretty for the judges... egads I was working up a sweat...

Posing can make or break you as far as placement so getting started 14 wks out is not uncommon, plus you have to work up to being able to hold these poses for sometimes a minute while the judges look over everyone, so just like working up to squatting 135 pounds, holding and flexing every muscle while in a pose takes time to work up to a minute too.. I was wiped out when we finished.. but when she sends me the pictures I'll try and figure out how to post them here..

I had to come home and take a nap before I could even think about doing any cardio.. but I did go back and get in 45 minutes on the elliptical..

at 152.8 again today..

Colin and Learning Center update

Well last week was Colin's last at the Lindamood-Bell Learning Center. Thursday was his last official day and Friday was the re-test. Its been wierd this week not having to make those trips to Deerfield.

I was in tears on Friday when I dropped him off. I had to hurry and give him a smooch, wish him luck and get outta there before he saw me crying. I went around the corner, sat in my car and bawled like a baby. I wasn't quite sure what I was crying about to be honest..

Was it fear like a momma bird has when she pushes her baby out of the nest to fly for the first time, knowing he would now be on his own with the skills they have taught him?
Was it not having this time together, even though there were times we just listened to tunes and didn't really carry on a conversation?
Was it regret of not having these 4 hours a day to myself to workout or hit borders to surf the net?
Was it fear of not feeling NEEDED anymore by George and/or Colin?

I just don't know and still can't really say, maybe it was a combination of all of those things in some fashion.

I think he was a bit remorseful too.. He said as much on our way up on Friday, that he had mixed emotions. I told him that was perfectly normal. He had spent almost every single Mon - Friday afternoon from 1-5pm with these people since early November. They had become a very important part of his life and it was very understandable why he'd miss them. He would no longer have that one on one attention with his learning. He would no longer have that constant praise as that is part of their methodology, even when a child does get the answer incorrect, they don't say NO THATS NOT CORRECT, rather they say Well I understand how you could see it like that or how you could get that answer but what if you looked at it like this or how about if we attacked it like that.. its a very nuturing environment, one Colin knows he will not get going back to the public school system full time. But I think he is ready to have his 'school day' end at 3pm. At least now he can get home at 3:15 and get started on homework, rather than not getting home till after 6pm, sometimes 7, eating and then still having school work to do..

So again I told him his feelings were very normal and that he could stay in contact with them and if he wanted to, when he had holidays from school and they were open, we could go up there for a visit and stop and have some lunch too. I think he liked that idea.

However mother nature decided we needed a rough ride going home Friday night. I had already planned for Colin and I to stop for dinner. He opted for Subway at the Oasis as he thinks its cool to sit at the window seats and see all the traffic moving below you. Well it started to snow about 3pm and I was getting dejavu from the time it snowed on that thursday night and it took us 3+ hrs to get home. But this time it was a Friday and neither Colin or I had anywhere to be the next morning so if it took 10 hrs to get home it wasn't as bad as before. well once again the snow caused traffic HELL.. We got to our turnoff to get on 294 and traffic was backed up as far as the eye could see. We looked at each other and said BAIL... plan B!

We headed up lake/cook rd opting to hit 355 way home and I said know what there is an outback steak house up the way, are you up for some Outback.. so that is where we ended up having dinner. The Gods musta been looking out for me too knowing I'm doing this bootcamp. I figured I could get a decent steak but they had Mahi Mahi on the fish list that night and WOW I have not had a better piece of fish in a resturant in sometime. It was freaking awesome and cooked to perfection! sided by some crispy steamed snow peas! it was a perfect meal. colin had the pork chops w/mashed potatoes and was in heaven. I asked if he wanted dessert but nothing on dessert menu even appealed to him, so I didn't have to worry with that temptation..

The next day George took the kids and I to Dave and Busters in celebration. its a resturant with a huge game room on the back half. I mean HUGE! We thought it would be a good way for us all to celebrate together, not just Colin's finishing but to also thank Caitlin for stepping up to the plate and dealing with so much time on her own after school. We all had a great time.. well till we got home and the brownie baking thing happened or they wanted it to happen. I think we got that worked out for now...

Week Two of Bootcamp

Well the first week is over and done.. started on 1/18 and ended 1/24/06. Today begins day 1 of the 2nd week. Today I saw 152.8 on my scale.. Considering I had lived around 137 for a while in 2003/2004, today's weight seems high, but I'm happy with it, because every since my previous BB show in Nov 2004, I've only seen the upper 170's, consitant 160's and upper 150's.

The harder part of its been getting in cardio minutes. I like the weight training and the nutrition side of it I'm ok with, but I don't care for cardio and when you looking at 90 minutes a day... but I've also done this before and it didn't seem hard then. So I need to dig down and find that mentality again. When I did it before I split the cardio into two sessions. Usually 45 in the AM and another 45 in the PM. I put in a movie and went to town on my treadmill. And when I did hit the gym for cardio, I mixed it up, X minutes on this machine, X minutes on that one, etc.

so I need to grasp that same mentality again and its not forever, its only for a short time.

So week two here I come..

Bootcamp is going well so far, but granted its not even the first full week :o) I started the BC on 1/18 @ 156.4 today I am 153.6... a combination of a few things.. #1 my cycle started just prior to BC beginning and it has now ended, so that wonderful water gain we ladies tend to deal with has subsided and #2 I've gotten back into not only resistance training but cardio too and on a daily basis. With this neck and hip stuff I've been dealing with, once it started to feel a bit better I was nervous about getting back to exercising consistantly, I didn't want the pain to come back.

Well with the help of a good chiro. I can say the hip pain is gone for now.. I've gotten back to cardio, running outside and even doing leg work in the gym and as long as I do my stretches all seems fine. Oh sure the normal muscle tightness and soreness from a good workout but not the nagging aches. The shoulder/arm is getting better but I still have issues there..

I'm doing great food wise.. But when I get focused it all seems to come together. I know right now a lot of the mentality is not wanting to loose my leverage money and its not so much losing the money but where it would go and when I go to open the fridge that crossed my mind. In all honesty this BC was just the PUSH I needed to get ME rolling back to what I know how to do.

I'm not going extreme either. My calories are staying between 1200-1500, with occasional lower days, but we all have days were we are just not hungry and then other days were you could eat the dead skunk alongside the road.

As far as exercise.. on days I do weight training, which can take 30-45 minutes depends on bodypart being worked and the crowd in the gym, I add 30-45 minutes of cardio afterwards. On days without weights I do an hour of cardio. Now if I get out to run that goes longer but running outside as opposed to treadmill running is more relaxing and I can go for longer than an hour and it doesn't seem like an hour or even 30minutes on the t.mill does.

Keeping the eating clean helps with not having to do so much cardio. Other than lower body (legs) I think I tend to gain muscle at a nice pace so that helps too, since it takes more to FEED that muscle, caloriewise, then the same amount of fat. Today for a moment I thought about something sweet but I had a diet mountain dew and the moment passed.

The kids are a bit upset with me, I think.. I do tend to be an all or nothing person and the codependency makes me feel others should be the same as I am, so I am slowly learning to come to grips with all that. Previously I would have been like a nazi and not wanted any junk food type stuff in the house at all, but I am trying hard to learn to relax and while I still don't think Caitlin or Colin need the chips and cookies and such, I am buying them when we go shopping. They both are overweight for their ages and heights but I can't seem to make them see that no matter how I say it, be it gently or otherwise, so I can only pray that they won't get to the point of morbidly obese someday. Anyhow last night they wanted to make brownies and I had to say NO.. I looked at them both and pleaded, that I needed their support right now and to please NOT do that to me.. Its not the idea of brownies in the house, hell no matter of fact when I went shopping last night I got cookies, chips, and a couple of brownies from the bakery section.. Its the smell of them baking in the house right now that would kill me..

I don't know is it asking too much? Like I said I am ok with the stuff in the house, bought it at the store, but I could not handle the smell of it baking in the house. I could even go to the store and buy my favorite toll house cookies and bring them home and not want any, but if I bought the ingredients at the store and set about actually making them and having to smell them baking, that would send me over the edge.. And from previous binge sessions, I can tell ya Target makes the toll house cookies and has them prepackaged in their bakery section and they are freaking awesome.

So am I wrong in being ok with the stuff in the house but just asking that they don't bake the stuff themselves?

Abundance Mentality

An "abundance mentality" is more than having a positive mental attitude, although a positive mental attitude is very important. When you have a positive mental attitude, you look at how things can be done rather than why they can't be done. You believe that "where there's a will there's a way." You look at possibilities and opportunities rather than obstacles and problems. This mindset is important for success in any endeavor. An abundance mentality will take you beyond a positive mental attitude. It will eliminate the small thinking and offset negative energy. It can mean the difference between success and failure, excellence and mediocrity, and prosperity and despair.... People with an abundance mentality believe there are enough resources available to accomplish their goals. They also believe that their success doesn't mean failure for others. On the contrary, the more successful they are, the more others are affected in a positive way.... Abundance starts in your mind. The more you think abundantly, the more abundance you can enjoy, the more success you will enjoy. --Ray Houze

Leanness Lifestyle Bootcamp

It all starts tonight.. It will certainly be a tough 5 wks but in the end rewarding too.

We had to set up incremental financial leverages with paypal. Basically you have certain goals to hit each week and if you are missing the mark you have X amount of days to get back on track (told you this would be intense). Some members of the club that are not in bootcamp have set up leverages via paypal on there own. We had to set up 3 phases, the first phase is 2 wks and its $25 per wk, 2nd phase is 2 wks and its $50 per wk and the 3rd and final phase is 1 wk for $100 so the total sum is only $250 but when your working part time $250 is not something I can afford to lose and to have to ask George for the money would kill me even more. Your $$ is on the line the entire time and you don't get any of it back till the end of bootcamp. The money had to be set up to go to a charity, the coach does not benefit from this in an fashion. It was suggested we make it a charity we despise to make it even more painful if we lost our money.

Personally I can't think of a charity I dislike that much that would motivate me to perform as I am going to have to.. So I asked if the funds could go to an individual. I was told I could set it up this way. That works much better for me because I WILL NOT allow my money to go to this person and it would be accompanied by a note that said I failed to reach my goal and you get my money to do whatever you want with it. So we will see who reaches goals they set and who has the last laugh!

Probably motivation for ALL the wrong reasons but screw it if it gets me on my way to where I need to be that is all that matters right now to me.. I had some so called friend slap me in the face before and it gave me all the motivation to finally get the last pounds off me before and I kept them off for quite some time... over a year... then there is that horrid after a bodybuilding show entitlement mentality that happens that no one tells you about and I ate and didn't exercise for 6 months and managed to put on these 50some pounds.. I've gotten 20 off on my own so here is to the last 30! Hell how many morbidly obese people never get moving till someone they don't even know passes them in a mall and says 'mommy look at that fat lady' you hear it all the time on these discovery channel programs and such - so who cares WHY you get going or what gets you to that I've had enough point.

I start working and training with Jennifer again for the show in May! I am thrilled! We have our first session Thursday! For now we will meet once a week as the competition gets closer probably more often but for now we will meet every Thursday!

On the road again

I'm super excited! This week starts the leanness lifestyle bootcamp intensive! Plus if not this week certainly by next week I will once again be training with Jennifer Abrams.

www.jenniferabrams.net

She is going for her Pro card this summer in NY in July. She is a natural bodybuilder and this competition for her is a drug tested natural event! I'm excited for her, with all the bad press of late for pro bodybuilders and just peoples thoughts in general, the sport has gotten some bad press and I hope Jennifer is the beginning of a new era. To bring the sport back around to what it should be and not these steriod freaks you see, male and female. Its no wonder a good portion of women assume lifting any type of weight will cause you to bulk up, this is what they see in magazines so its no wonder.

Anyhow my SO George is an avid videographer, its not what he does for a living but he enjoys it. He has always wanted to do some sort of documentary type thing of a day in the life of a natural bodybuilder and what it really takes to get on stage.. Well Jennifer wants to document this journey to her Pro status - can you say PERFECT TIMING! Jen has seen the work George does when he video's the BB shows for the competitors and likes his work (he is very creative) so Jen and George will be getting together over the next several months shooting tape for the end product.

This works to my advantage because to actually have to pay for someone to do this type of work is pretty expensive. I'm sure upwards of $150 bucks an hour for a videographer, at least when George did that for a living some time ago it was that expensive then and that's been 10+ yrs. Well Jen is not independently wealthy but has offered to swap services. George video's for her, I get to train with her and then any $$ made off the end product will be worked out.

This will be an excellent project I do believe.. I think sometimes people can look at a person on stage and not realize that they actually have a life behind the scenes. They have kids that don't cooperate, that get sick, cars that break down on the way to the gym in 90+ degree heat, children that need an extra room mom at school, or a support person for their brownie troop, or a babysitter that doesn't show up when you have a photo shoot scheduled and a host of other life issues. This project will be a true story of what it takes to go from point A to point B and all the detours that happen in between.

Both Jen and George are super creative minds and this will be an awesome product when all is said and done! And the chance to workout and train with Jen again is out of this world. She is very supportive and encouraging and I am looking forward to it!

Being Techno Challenged

UGH! Last night I went out for a run. KT talks about her Garmin Forerunner her brother got her sounded like a nifty piece of equipment. I got a gift certificate to the run store for the holidays and they had them on sale so I put some of my other Chirstmas money with the GC and got one.. Ah but using it is another story!

So last night I go out for a run to play with it a bit.. and I have NO idea what the heck I did but all that got recorded were my HR and my time.. but I could not get the time display to read out while I was running only gave me the total time? then it told me I went 11 feet? never gave me mileage? I was out for 37 minutes so I know I went further than 11 feet :o)

Guess its back to the instruction manual for me!

On the path to getting back there

was looking thru some photos on the computer and found some from the BB competition I did in November of 2004 - thought I'd post it to give myself some inspiration as I go full force and head long into getting this body back for May, but only better! I wish I could have that tan look like that year round but being a fair skinned red head its just not possible. Enter the wonders of a few coats of ProTan, a few sessions of Mystic Tan and then Dream Tan the day of the show and WaLa, you get a tan redhead :o)

My time, Your time, Our Time

Maybe I'm being over sensitve but at the risk of it... In the quest to learn to take care of myself and stop controlling others, I have to learn to not let myself get stressed out about certain things.

Last night I told both the kids that dad had to leave the house at 6:30 am and I needed to be to work at 7:30 am to meet up with a client who was dropping off some papers so if they wanted me to take them to school WE HAD TO BE IN THE CAR AND PULLING OUT OF THE DRIVEWAY BY 7:20 AM. That leaves me enough time to get them to school and me to get back across town by 7:30 to meet the client. Well they weren't in the car till 7:25 which meant I was late getting to work (i open) which meant the client couldn't wait around, which meant I missed them, which now means I have to go in on Saturday to meet client and get paperwork and stay and get a years worth of stuff done, which had I gotten there on time I could have gotten the stuff done today before I had to leave.. Very small business and its basically easy input and reconcilliation but they are having an audit next week they need some stuff completed for.

First let me give you some background.. #1 we live a tad less than 2 miles from the school, 1.8 to be exact, #2 the kids are 14 and 12, #3 there is a bus that picks them up on the corner at 7:15 am. I'm sure most of us that lived that close to school had to walk, there was no bus but since a portion of the path is not sidewalked I guess the school district provides a bus.

So as it is EVERY SINGLE MORNING I start the process of knocking on their bedroom doors at 6:30ish am, telling them its time to get up and reminding them not to forget that we must be out of here in x minutes I have to get to work to meet a client. Well at their ages you'd assume they would be a bit more mature and not have to be woken up again at 6:50, then again at 7am.... I'm not kidding this is the routine every single day. Generally Colin is up but lays in that bed till the very last second when your screaming ITS TIME TO GO NOW. But Caitlin forget it, she is literally not even up and falls back asleep as soon as you start to go back about getting your own morning routine done, then of course as I did at that age and any other teenage girl she has to primp for school...

So sure enough I'm running around at 7:18 shutting the lights off and locking the house down.. Colin comes out of his room, as usual no shoes on and can't find them and says why is it so dark in here.. BECAUSE ITS 7:18 AND I TOLD YOU BOTH I HAD TO BE AT WORK ON TIME TODAY TO MEET A CLIENT... Well I just have to get my shoes on, well if you would have gotten your ass up one of the other 3 times I asked you to this morning.... So anyhow I went out to the car, its now 7:21 he stolls out, then 7:25 she stolls out and everyone is pissed at me! Well excuse the fuck out of me, not only did I tell you last night it was very important I get to work on time today, I reminded you of this a couple of times this morning..

I was always taught to be respectful of someone elses time and I guess I wouldn't be so pissed about this IF it didn't happen 99% of the time BUT IT DOES more often then it doesn't.

So I'm not sure what else to do.. I've tried to talk to George about this but he allows them to get away with this. How can you expect to learn to be on time in life when you are never taught the lessons of what happens when your not.. I honestly had half a mind to just fucking leave this morning and let their asses find a way to school, but I know the turmoil that would have caused between George and I. Because by this time they would have also missed the bus and had to walk to school.

So the only thing I can think to do now and for the future to avoid myself getting stressed about someone elses actions and lack of respect of my time, is tonight the four of us will have a discussion and I will just have to tell them since you guys can not seem to find it within yourselves to be respectful of my time and the priviledge of being taken to school when a bus IS available, then I have no choice, when your dad can not drive you to school because he has to leave the house early, then on those days you will HAVE to take the bus and if you miss it you will have to walk. Its not fair that I now have to go in on Saturday because you two made me miss a client who themselves had to get somewhere and could not wait on me.

I can't control what anyone else does but I can control how I handle it and from now on I will handle it differently. I will do what I need to do and get myself to work. 99% of the time it would not matter if I wasn't there at exactly 7:30 but today it was and 99% of the time I wouldn't care but today I did.

Just curious how would any of you handle the situation... HONESTLY!

My first meeting

WOW is all I can say! Just when you think you are so alone in the world you find out different but the best part is finding out there is hope, there is light at the end of the tunnel.. but sometimes the tunnel will be VERY dark inside and not easy to navigate. However it can't be any worse then how things are now.

The meetings are structured very much like AA or Al-Anon, at least I assume having never been to one of those types of meetings. There is/are a 12 step program, values and traditions you go thru and the first is it admit we are powerless over other people and we must not strive to control them but ourselves.

The first meeting you are whisked away from the larger group into a smaller group with others that have worked the program or are living the principles. They share their story with you and you can tell them why your there or not, its up to you.

I found myself being able to relate to all of them in some fashion and I found myself in tears listening to them recant their story and having had similiar things in my life. Feelings of shame, guilt, never being good enough, always feeling if I just did this or that better so and so would love me more, being a workaholic, always keeping busy to avoid your pain... It cut straight to my heart. But I left with smiles and with HOPE! HOPE that while it won't be easy, that I can learn to begin to LIVE my life and not just exist in it.

If there was anything I didn't like about the whole thing is the smoking.. UGH! The meeting itself is non-smoking but after the initial hour meeting is over you are free to light up... there is a smoke eater exhaust type thing in the room but when you have a small room and 5+ peeps lighting up... I drove home with my car windows down and left them down in the garage to air out my car and I HAD to take a shower the second I walked in the door.. But I do believe inspite of the smokyness after the meeting, I will be going back. Its a heck of a lot cheaper then a shrink and these people have lived in my shoes, not just peeps trying some text book cure they learned in Phyciatry school...

One thing to another

I guess originally this blog started out as something totally different. It was about my weight loss journey but it has also turned into something else in the revealing of my darker side. I hope you will all bear along with me along the way because its a theraphy of sorts for me. Any therapist I have been to always said to journal about your feelings, write a letter to your mother you never will send, but get it out of your head because what we allow in our heads can overwhelm us but when we get it out, we can learn to deal with it, fix it, heal it.

In the end that is all I am trying to do is to heal myself and I guess along those lines there will be happy times as well as sad ones and I know in the coming months some down right painful moments, but I must go thru the stages of loss. I must somehow mourn the loss of the childhood I never had so I can become who God really intended for me to be and somehow I don't think He intended for me to be this hurt person I currently am, this person who can't trust (even God most times), doesn't know love or how to show it.

I know at the core of my being there is a great and wonderful person inside. A beautiful butterfly who is ready to break free of her safe chrysalis and spread her wings.

Everything happens for a reason...

Sometimes things just go your way... Tonight at 8pm I have a chiro.appt. Tonight is also the codependents support group meeting in my area that I wanted to attend, it starts at 7pm. I was going to go and just miss the last part of the meeting so I can get to chiro appt. - hip and shoulder are feeling so much better I didn't want to reschedule or just cancel - but then I also wanted to stay for the entire meeting. I'm finally in a place where I am ready to come to grips with this and get some help.

Well a phone call today solved my dilema.. My Chiro's office called and the DR is not feeling well and won't be in today but she could come in and see me on Saturday if need be.. I called the office back and said that would not be necessary and that Monday at 12:30 would be fine. While I don't wish her any ill will and hope she gets better soon, this has worked in my favor.

I often wonder if God or whatever you feel your higher power is, helps these circumstances along? Maybe He feels I need this meeting, this support group, more than I needed the Chiropractor appt tonight. I don't know and maybe its nothing but circumstance but tonight I will be thankful for the situation and attend and stay for the entire meeting. Will this be the answer, will this help? Who knows but I know one thing it certainly can't hurt anymore than I hurt inside right now. To me mental and emotional pain is so much worse. I often wished that my mother just beat me instead of verbal abuse me. To me at least the pain goes away after the beating but the pain of the emotional scars hurts forever. Of course often times I got both a beating and verbal abuse.

I wonder if she ever looks back on her life and feels sorry for the things she has done? I know that NO parent is perfect and every parent might look back and say I wish I had done this, that or the other thing, but I wonder is she ever sorry for the things she said to us, is she ever sorry we don't love her like we should, is she sorry she never could see good in anything we did then or even now? Sadly I think she has lied to herself so much that she honestly believes she was a great mother.

Last year at Christmas I foolishly agreed with my brother to fly her here for the holidays (in 2004). Bro and I split the plane ticket, she stayed with him for a bit and then with me. I still to this day have NO idea why I allowed me to do that to myself. I am depressed enough around the holidays let alone add her to the mix. But my brother said "the kids (my nieces and nephews) need to know their grandmother" and I foolishly agreed. Still I don't know why because she treats them as she did my brothers and I. Its really odd, my brother re-married a wonderful gal, Teri who had two kids of her own and my brothers kids live with him, so they became a family of 6, 4kids and 2 adults, anyhow.... My mother will act toward and speak to my brothers natural children, Brittany and Dustin, 100% different than she does Teri's children, Jayce and Gavin. She is constantly reprimanding B and D and showing love and kindness on J and G. I don't fault the kids for this at all, because that is exactly what she did to us as kids. The neighbors kids, or her friends children were the angels God sent to live on earth and we, her children, were the spawns of hell. And so this is how the entire day on Christmas of 2004 was.

Poor George, Caitlin and Colin, I can't even believe I allowed myself to subject THEM to my mother. I had told them how she would be, but I think George truly began to see a lot of things when he had taken the time to put together this wonderful DVD of my bodybuilding show. He extrapolated all the parts out of the footage of me and my day from the night before in the hotel room with my best friend Debbie, and the kids, to my registration the day of the show and getting weighed in and getting my competitor number etc. to my individual routine. He even set it to music, Green Days THE TIME OF YOUR LIFE. Gosh just thinking of it brings tears to my eyes.. Anyhow he brought the DVD to the bro's to show the family and rather than my mother saying how wonderful I looked, she squeals at the top of her lungs, OH MY GOD THAT IS SO DISGUSTING how can you stand to look like that? How can you stand to have all that muscle? You look horrible... and on and on and on.... till finally my brother looks at her and says "SHUT UP CAN'T YOU FOR ONE FUCKING TIME BE PROUD OF ANYTHING ONE OF US HAS DONE EVEN IF ITS NOT FOR YOU" My sister looks beautiful, she lost all that weight and this is how SHE choose to celebrate it and all you can do is say how disgusting it looks! The look on George's face.. .well I won't say priceless but I think he finally understood a lot of things about why I am the way I am. He later tried to have a conversation with her later in the week when she was staying with us a day longer cause her flight was delayed then eventually cancelled, about my brother and what a good father he is (George being a single dad himself knows how hard it is and can be) and as hard as he tried he could not get her to even remotely admit that her son was a good father.

Well I guess I better save as draft or publish post as I see blogger has an outage scheduled and I don't want to lose everything....

CoDependency Support Groups

I'm tellin' ya its so hard and draining reading this book and reading about ME on the pages. I mean honestly she might as well have just used my name. Its very scary. There is not a chapter that goes by that I don't highlight the crap out of. I usually have to go back and re-read things because it brings me to tears.

I can see and agree with everything she says but it all seems so overwhelming and feels like something I don't know if I can fix or not.

I started doing some search on the internet and found the CoDA website and much like AA or Al-Anon., CoDA has support groups and meetings. I left a message for a contact person and they just called me back. The meetings are every Thursday at 7pm. He assured me that it IS very overwhelming but there is hope, there is light at the end of the tunnel, but its not an easy road, but it IS worth it. He assured me that all my feelings are normal and that when he attended his first meeting he sat in his car for over 1/2 an hour before he could get the courage to go inside, but once he did he was so glad he made that step.

Its a beginning, hopefully a new one for me.

Leanness Lifestyle Bootcamp

I'm in I'm in!! I got my message today that I was accepted. The Leanness Lifestyle is a members only club I belong to - www.leannesslifestyle.com - if you click on my sidebar where it says My Nutrition Logs you can see one of the tools available for use, there are many others, this one is a journal and a way for me to track my foods.

This club is also a support group of sorts for me. I've made some friends and not just internet peeps, I've actually had the fortune to meet some of them in person. Heck its how George and I met, although he is no longer a member. The intensives that Dave offers is also how I lost a good portion of my weight.. In DIVA II I went from 180ish to 150ish (10wks) this in April 2002 and then in April 2003 with Advanced DIVA intensive (these are just names he gives the challenge) I went from 150ish to 131ish (8wks, plus 8 wks maintenance however I still continued to loose).

So now he is calling the intensives BOOTCAMP and they are 5wks in length and CoEd - where as the intensives I did previously were female only. It starts on Jan 18th with our conference call for all the participants and rolls for 5wks ending February 22nd. We will have weekly assignments, goals that are decided upon with participant and Dave Greenwalt, a weekly call in every Wednesday night 8pm central time, and a leverage with paypal. We will be expected to hit goals and risk losing our $$ if we don't make the mark.. However before that happens you and Dave have a serious heart to heart one on one discussion. This is to keep the focus. Might sound odd to some out there but it works, at least for me.

If I can start this bootcamp on the 18th at 155ish (should be NO problem thats where I am now) and lose 10 pounds or more while I can have this intense focus, it will be just the jump start I need. Besides May 6th is about 16.5 wks away!

So why can't I do it on my own you ask? Well that is a very valid question and one that deserves an answer. I will have not only the cost of the bootcamp intensive on the line but I will over the 5 wks have another sum of money that I will get back if I met all my goals, but will lose if I don't. In addition I will have the help and support of knowing all my other team mates are doing this too. I'm not sure how to explain it so anyone understands but its helped me in the past and I know its just the jump start I need again. Plus its a focus. And lets face it I am competitive by nature, probably not for any of the right reasons, but I love a challenge and I know I can WIN this one!

Being Codependent (my miscellaneous ramblings)

The first time this term ever came to my ears I thought of someone who supported a drug addict or alcoholic. I've come to realize that is not necessarily true.

I was seeing a therapist in Delaware, working on some issues that have plaqued me all my life and when she suggested a book called Codependent No More - How to stop controlling others and start caring for yourself - I kinda looked at her funny. I said I don't live with an alcoholic or drug addict.. So anyhow I got the book at her suggestion and began reading it. I was shocked to be reading about ME in those pages, it was down right eerie. Well needless to say the book and the therapist were hitting a bit to close to home and I stopped reading the book and seeing her.

Recently though I've been in a lot of emotional pain and thought about that book again and dug it out and I've began to read it once again. While I'm sure to some degree we are ALL codependent - when it gets to a point you don't take care of you any longer because you are so wrapped up in someone/something else, it becomes a problem. There are about 8 1/2 pages of characteristics of codependency and to some degree I fit every single fucking one of them. The activity asks you to re-read thru the list and put a 0 next to those characteristics that are NEVER a problem for you, 1 next to those that are sometimes a problem and a 2 next to those that are always a problem for you.. Well out of 8 1/2 pages of single bulleted characteristics I have about 90% #2's, 9% #1's and maybe just maybe 1% are ZEROS.

I guess these tendancies started for me at a very young age. I always felt I was the mother to my two younger brothers. I don't fault my mom for being a single parent and having to work, things happen, but I do fault her for never showing us love and affection. I've come to realize that you don't have to shower kids with elaborate gifts, expensive vacations, etc. but if you give them love (tell them you love them), give them hugs and kisses and tell them your proud of them(not that they are mother fucking idiots and yes she used these words), that they matter(not oh what will the neighbors think), its amazing how they can turn out.

I'm not asking anyone for pity or sorrow, I guess in reality what happened to me as a kid made me determined to not do that to any child in my life. Granted it also made me frightened to have children of my own for fear of being like my mother and that fear was so great I never had children.

My mom was the kind of person that never told us she loved us, could only see the bad in what we did, never the good, never encouraged us to reach higher or achieve more. Many times, so she could have a life without kids, we were sent to live with relatives over the summers. Hell one year we were literally sent away for an entire year to live with an uncle, this was during my sophmore yr in high school. She likes to tell us its because she was sick and I've told her many times I will NEVER believe that story until she can provide me some sort of proof of some illness she was battling. I was 15 yrs old and certainly old enough and mature enough at the time to handle whatever she could have told me she was dealing with. Needless to say I've never seen any proof of said illness and I've asked my uncle that we lived with and don't get straight answers either. I'm now 40 yrs old I think I can handle whatever it may have been when I was 15.

I don't hate my uncle for any of this because in hindsight it was the first time in my life I was able to be a 15 yr old and not be a mother to two younger brothers. I can see that now but when I was taken from my friends in Indiana and moved to Maryland for a year, a new high school and all, it wasn't as easy to see. but eventually I made friends and got to actually go out and do things, like footballs games, bowling, movies, spend the night at friends houses - mostly things I never got to do before or had my siblings in tow.. Said uncle has since passed away, August of 2005 and sadly I never told him how thankful and grateful I was for what he did for my brothers and I that year.

I don't hate my mother but I don't necessarily love her like I should either and I know I must learn to forgive but it too will take some time. But I have learned I need to also spend this year working on getting me right, I have to learn who I REALLY am, what I really like to do, what makes me happy.. I've spent so much of my 40 yrs controlling people and things around me that I don't know WHO I AM. My lack of trust has even spread to God.. I am afraid to trust God, the one person I should be able to trust.. but I guess having always felt that sense of abandonment it has made me fearful of putting to much into anyone or anything.

This will certainly be an interesting journey for me emotionally this year as well as physically with my goals I'd like to achieve and to be honest I have no idea where I will end up once its all said and done. I do believe however I will be a much stronger, both mentally and physically, person when the REAL KIM emerges on the other side.

OK so I'm NOT perfect

I mean that in a funny way actually! Thanks to those (lisa, amber, KT, Sarah) that have responded that they missed my posting.. Been dealing with some STUFF (Thanks KT) and coming to some realizations about some issues that have LONG effected me that I HAVE to come to terms with because I DESERVE it in my life!

So anyhow went to chiro yesterday to deal with this nagging (toothache like) pain in my right hip and some issues in the right shoulder area (twd back) well talk about a very thorough DR.. I was there 2 hrs. Anyhow she is a runner and a trialthlete so that is WHY I chose her. I wanted a DR that walked the walk and not someone that was just going to say well stop running stop lifting weights UNLESS that is truly what I need to do to heal myself.

Well it turns out my right side is 1/2 inch shorter than my left. She had me standing there in bare feet looking at me at ground level from knees down. Then she found my hip sockets, then got out her tape measure to confirm what she thought. From my right hip to my ankle is 1/2 inch shorter than my left so its no wonder, she said, that I am experiencing this pain. I told her earlier this summer I had strained a piriformis muscle and had it worked on by a different chiro (not a sports person hence the change) and this new doc said this discrepancy in my length is quite possibly the reason I stained that muscle in the first place. She checked my flexibility and boy is the right SO much tighter than the left. Plus I am a tad flat footed, not terribly so but flat footed (that I pretty much knew) - so we did some deep massage of the area, after she applied some heat to loosen it up. This was not a AHHHH kinda massage, it was deep and a bit painful, then she put the electrody things on me, with an ice pack. Then she showed me some stretches to do for my right side specifically for now.

As far as the shoulder/neck area... I have something she called TOS (thoracic outlet syndrome) the nerves from the neck/shoulder that go into the right arm area are getting pinched off when my arm is in certain positions causing the numbness in my entire right arm down to my hand. Here's a definition from the internet **The simple definition of thoracic outlet syndrome is neurovascular symptoms in the upper extremities due to pressure on the nerves and vessels in the thoracic outlet area. The specific structures compressed are usually the nerves of the branchial plexus and occasionally the subclavian artery or subclavian vein.**

BUT in a nutshell she did not tell me I had to stop running or lifting weights.. She did suggest I don't do anything behind the head/neck with weights such as two handed dumbell tricep extensions, try to lay off shoulder presses or military press or at least lighten the load.. She put a small little lift in my right shoe and said give this a try and I have to see her again twice next week and then she said probably once the following week then we will evaluate from there.

A totally cool doc.. She actually gave a mini lecture at our 5K training class regarding shoes and such, so that is how I found out about her and knew she herself was an athlete. I find it funny though, I've seen two Chiro's in my life and they were both the tiniest things. I'm sure when she begins to adjust me next week I will feel like i"m falling off the table.