Everything happens for a reason...

Sometimes things just go your way... Tonight at 8pm I have a chiro.appt. Tonight is also the codependents support group meeting in my area that I wanted to attend, it starts at 7pm. I was going to go and just miss the last part of the meeting so I can get to chiro appt. - hip and shoulder are feeling so much better I didn't want to reschedule or just cancel - but then I also wanted to stay for the entire meeting. I'm finally in a place where I am ready to come to grips with this and get some help.

Well a phone call today solved my dilema.. My Chiro's office called and the DR is not feeling well and won't be in today but she could come in and see me on Saturday if need be.. I called the office back and said that would not be necessary and that Monday at 12:30 would be fine. While I don't wish her any ill will and hope she gets better soon, this has worked in my favor.

I often wonder if God or whatever you feel your higher power is, helps these circumstances along? Maybe He feels I need this meeting, this support group, more than I needed the Chiropractor appt tonight. I don't know and maybe its nothing but circumstance but tonight I will be thankful for the situation and attend and stay for the entire meeting. Will this be the answer, will this help? Who knows but I know one thing it certainly can't hurt anymore than I hurt inside right now. To me mental and emotional pain is so much worse. I often wished that my mother just beat me instead of verbal abuse me. To me at least the pain goes away after the beating but the pain of the emotional scars hurts forever. Of course often times I got both a beating and verbal abuse.

I wonder if she ever looks back on her life and feels sorry for the things she has done? I know that NO parent is perfect and every parent might look back and say I wish I had done this, that or the other thing, but I wonder is she ever sorry for the things she said to us, is she ever sorry we don't love her like we should, is she sorry she never could see good in anything we did then or even now? Sadly I think she has lied to herself so much that she honestly believes she was a great mother.

Last year at Christmas I foolishly agreed with my brother to fly her here for the holidays (in 2004). Bro and I split the plane ticket, she stayed with him for a bit and then with me. I still to this day have NO idea why I allowed me to do that to myself. I am depressed enough around the holidays let alone add her to the mix. But my brother said "the kids (my nieces and nephews) need to know their grandmother" and I foolishly agreed. Still I don't know why because she treats them as she did my brothers and I. Its really odd, my brother re-married a wonderful gal, Teri who had two kids of her own and my brothers kids live with him, so they became a family of 6, 4kids and 2 adults, anyhow.... My mother will act toward and speak to my brothers natural children, Brittany and Dustin, 100% different than she does Teri's children, Jayce and Gavin. She is constantly reprimanding B and D and showing love and kindness on J and G. I don't fault the kids for this at all, because that is exactly what she did to us as kids. The neighbors kids, or her friends children were the angels God sent to live on earth and we, her children, were the spawns of hell. And so this is how the entire day on Christmas of 2004 was.

Poor George, Caitlin and Colin, I can't even believe I allowed myself to subject THEM to my mother. I had told them how she would be, but I think George truly began to see a lot of things when he had taken the time to put together this wonderful DVD of my bodybuilding show. He extrapolated all the parts out of the footage of me and my day from the night before in the hotel room with my best friend Debbie, and the kids, to my registration the day of the show and getting weighed in and getting my competitor number etc. to my individual routine. He even set it to music, Green Days THE TIME OF YOUR LIFE. Gosh just thinking of it brings tears to my eyes.. Anyhow he brought the DVD to the bro's to show the family and rather than my mother saying how wonderful I looked, she squeals at the top of her lungs, OH MY GOD THAT IS SO DISGUSTING how can you stand to look like that? How can you stand to have all that muscle? You look horrible... and on and on and on.... till finally my brother looks at her and says "SHUT UP CAN'T YOU FOR ONE FUCKING TIME BE PROUD OF ANYTHING ONE OF US HAS DONE EVEN IF ITS NOT FOR YOU" My sister looks beautiful, she lost all that weight and this is how SHE choose to celebrate it and all you can do is say how disgusting it looks! The look on George's face.. .well I won't say priceless but I think he finally understood a lot of things about why I am the way I am. He later tried to have a conversation with her later in the week when she was staying with us a day longer cause her flight was delayed then eventually cancelled, about my brother and what a good father he is (George being a single dad himself knows how hard it is and can be) and as hard as he tried he could not get her to even remotely admit that her son was a good father.

Well I guess I better save as draft or publish post as I see blogger has an outage scheduled and I don't want to lose everything....