14 wks out Nov 2005 14 wks out May 2006
14 wks out Nov 2005 14 wks out May 2006
Friday, January 27, 2006
Thursday, January 26, 2006
Posing Shots 14 wks out from Nov 2005 Show
These are not from today. They are actually when I was 14 wks out from competing in November of 2005. Life got in the way and I never did that show, but I thought it might be interesting to see how they compare to the shots we took today, since I am almost EXACTLY at the same point, 14 wks out. Once I get today's shots I will see if I can once again figure out the posting.. But left to right you have side chest, rear lat spread and rear double bicep.. you can see in rear dbl bicep the shinyness of my skin from the sweating I was doing at that point..
In my meeting with Jen today, neither of us realized I was at the exact same time spot of 14 wks out but she said today when she saw me that I looked leaner then at this same stage last time..
Legs today with Jen
She kills me but in a good way and after all I suggested we work legs. They are my worst area. I know once I continue to strip away the bodyfat, the upper body's muscularity will shine thru but the legs... well they are gonna take some concentrated effort.
Squats - 1 x 15 x 95, 1 x 15 x 115 and 1 x 15 x 135
Dead Lifts - 1 x 15 x 85 and 1 x 15 x 95
Smith Machine Lunges - 1 x 15 x ??
Free Standing Leg Up Lunges - 1 x 15 x 20
Seated Leg Extensions - 1 x 10 x 60 and 1 x 10 x 60 but varied toes in, toes out, and straight up
Seated Leg Extensions - 1 x 10 x 30 these were single leg at a time so 10 w/right and 10 w/left
Hamstring Curls - 2 x 15 x 40
I think that last set of squats might have only been 12 I was dying and lost count. It was a bit to heavy for me to go ass to the grass on that last set and when you start to wobble side to side. i have no problem w/dead lifts other than my damn grip gives out on me. ?? on the weight for SM Lunges since I have no idea what the bar weighs but I had 2-10's on each side, so plate weight was 40 total. The other lunges she had me take two 10's plates, one in each hand, step back, then lunge down, but when your bringing that back leg forward, you pull it up so you knee is at 90 degrees now in front of you and your standing on one leg, with it slightly bent to hit ham and some quad.. My ASS was burning from these. then onto the pain of the Leg Ext and Ham Curls. but oh evil one was not done with me yet... no sir...
We headed down to the locker room, out comes the camera and we practiced posing. If you have ever been to a bodybuilding competition there are madatory poses you go thru on stage with everyone in your class (classes are diffrent with each show) - well posing is a workout all of its own. The basics are front double bicep, side chest, front lat spread, rear lat spread, rear double bicep, side tricep, and hands overhead abdominals (guys also get this whacky pose called a crab most muscular thankfully in most shows women don't have to do this one) - well with each pose you must hit it, and hold it and at the same time your flexing every single muscle in your body and then you have to smile pretty for the judges... egads I was working up a sweat...
Posing can make or break you as far as placement so getting started 14 wks out is not uncommon, plus you have to work up to being able to hold these poses for sometimes a minute while the judges look over everyone, so just like working up to squatting 135 pounds, holding and flexing every muscle while in a pose takes time to work up to a minute too.. I was wiped out when we finished.. but when she sends me the pictures I'll try and figure out how to post them here..
I had to come home and take a nap before I could even think about doing any cardio.. but I did go back and get in 45 minutes on the elliptical..
at 152.8 again today..
Squats - 1 x 15 x 95, 1 x 15 x 115 and 1 x 15 x 135
Dead Lifts - 1 x 15 x 85 and 1 x 15 x 95
Smith Machine Lunges - 1 x 15 x ??
Free Standing Leg Up Lunges - 1 x 15 x 20
Seated Leg Extensions - 1 x 10 x 60 and 1 x 10 x 60 but varied toes in, toes out, and straight up
Seated Leg Extensions - 1 x 10 x 30 these were single leg at a time so 10 w/right and 10 w/left
Hamstring Curls - 2 x 15 x 40
I think that last set of squats might have only been 12 I was dying and lost count. It was a bit to heavy for me to go ass to the grass on that last set and when you start to wobble side to side. i have no problem w/dead lifts other than my damn grip gives out on me. ?? on the weight for SM Lunges since I have no idea what the bar weighs but I had 2-10's on each side, so plate weight was 40 total. The other lunges she had me take two 10's plates, one in each hand, step back, then lunge down, but when your bringing that back leg forward, you pull it up so you knee is at 90 degrees now in front of you and your standing on one leg, with it slightly bent to hit ham and some quad.. My ASS was burning from these. then onto the pain of the Leg Ext and Ham Curls. but oh evil one was not done with me yet... no sir...
We headed down to the locker room, out comes the camera and we practiced posing. If you have ever been to a bodybuilding competition there are madatory poses you go thru on stage with everyone in your class (classes are diffrent with each show) - well posing is a workout all of its own. The basics are front double bicep, side chest, front lat spread, rear lat spread, rear double bicep, side tricep, and hands overhead abdominals (guys also get this whacky pose called a crab most muscular thankfully in most shows women don't have to do this one) - well with each pose you must hit it, and hold it and at the same time your flexing every single muscle in your body and then you have to smile pretty for the judges... egads I was working up a sweat...
Posing can make or break you as far as placement so getting started 14 wks out is not uncommon, plus you have to work up to being able to hold these poses for sometimes a minute while the judges look over everyone, so just like working up to squatting 135 pounds, holding and flexing every muscle while in a pose takes time to work up to a minute too.. I was wiped out when we finished.. but when she sends me the pictures I'll try and figure out how to post them here..
I had to come home and take a nap before I could even think about doing any cardio.. but I did go back and get in 45 minutes on the elliptical..
at 152.8 again today..
Wednesday, January 25, 2006
Colin and Learning Center update
Well last week was Colin's last at the Lindamood-Bell Learning Center. Thursday was his last official day and Friday was the re-test. Its been wierd this week not having to make those trips to Deerfield.
I was in tears on Friday when I dropped him off. I had to hurry and give him a smooch, wish him luck and get outta there before he saw me crying. I went around the corner, sat in my car and bawled like a baby. I wasn't quite sure what I was crying about to be honest..
Was it fear like a momma bird has when she pushes her baby out of the nest to fly for the first time, knowing he would now be on his own with the skills they have taught him?
Was it not having this time together, even though there were times we just listened to tunes and didn't really carry on a conversation?
Was it regret of not having these 4 hours a day to myself to workout or hit borders to surf the net?
Was it fear of not feeling NEEDED anymore by George and/or Colin?
I just don't know and still can't really say, maybe it was a combination of all of those things in some fashion.
I think he was a bit remorseful too.. He said as much on our way up on Friday, that he had mixed emotions. I told him that was perfectly normal. He had spent almost every single Mon - Friday afternoon from 1-5pm with these people since early November. They had become a very important part of his life and it was very understandable why he'd miss them. He would no longer have that one on one attention with his learning. He would no longer have that constant praise as that is part of their methodology, even when a child does get the answer incorrect, they don't say NO THATS NOT CORRECT, rather they say Well I understand how you could see it like that or how you could get that answer but what if you looked at it like this or how about if we attacked it like that.. its a very nuturing environment, one Colin knows he will not get going back to the public school system full time. But I think he is ready to have his 'school day' end at 3pm. At least now he can get home at 3:15 and get started on homework, rather than not getting home till after 6pm, sometimes 7, eating and then still having school work to do..
So again I told him his feelings were very normal and that he could stay in contact with them and if he wanted to, when he had holidays from school and they were open, we could go up there for a visit and stop and have some lunch too. I think he liked that idea.
However mother nature decided we needed a rough ride going home Friday night. I had already planned for Colin and I to stop for dinner. He opted for Subway at the Oasis as he thinks its cool to sit at the window seats and see all the traffic moving below you. Well it started to snow about 3pm and I was getting dejavu from the time it snowed on that thursday night and it took us 3+ hrs to get home. But this time it was a Friday and neither Colin or I had anywhere to be the next morning so if it took 10 hrs to get home it wasn't as bad as before. well once again the snow caused traffic HELL.. We got to our turnoff to get on 294 and traffic was backed up as far as the eye could see. We looked at each other and said BAIL... plan B!
We headed up lake/cook rd opting to hit 355 way home and I said know what there is an outback steak house up the way, are you up for some Outback.. so that is where we ended up having dinner. The Gods musta been looking out for me too knowing I'm doing this bootcamp. I figured I could get a decent steak but they had Mahi Mahi on the fish list that night and WOW I have not had a better piece of fish in a resturant in sometime. It was freaking awesome and cooked to perfection! sided by some crispy steamed snow peas! it was a perfect meal. colin had the pork chops w/mashed potatoes and was in heaven. I asked if he wanted dessert but nothing on dessert menu even appealed to him, so I didn't have to worry with that temptation..
The next day George took the kids and I to Dave and Busters in celebration. its a resturant with a huge game room on the back half. I mean HUGE! We thought it would be a good way for us all to celebrate together, not just Colin's finishing but to also thank Caitlin for stepping up to the plate and dealing with so much time on her own after school. We all had a great time.. well till we got home and the brownie baking thing happened or they wanted it to happen. I think we got that worked out for now...
I was in tears on Friday when I dropped him off. I had to hurry and give him a smooch, wish him luck and get outta there before he saw me crying. I went around the corner, sat in my car and bawled like a baby. I wasn't quite sure what I was crying about to be honest..
Was it fear like a momma bird has when she pushes her baby out of the nest to fly for the first time, knowing he would now be on his own with the skills they have taught him?
Was it not having this time together, even though there were times we just listened to tunes and didn't really carry on a conversation?
Was it regret of not having these 4 hours a day to myself to workout or hit borders to surf the net?
Was it fear of not feeling NEEDED anymore by George and/or Colin?
I just don't know and still can't really say, maybe it was a combination of all of those things in some fashion.
I think he was a bit remorseful too.. He said as much on our way up on Friday, that he had mixed emotions. I told him that was perfectly normal. He had spent almost every single Mon - Friday afternoon from 1-5pm with these people since early November. They had become a very important part of his life and it was very understandable why he'd miss them. He would no longer have that one on one attention with his learning. He would no longer have that constant praise as that is part of their methodology, even when a child does get the answer incorrect, they don't say NO THATS NOT CORRECT, rather they say Well I understand how you could see it like that or how you could get that answer but what if you looked at it like this or how about if we attacked it like that.. its a very nuturing environment, one Colin knows he will not get going back to the public school system full time. But I think he is ready to have his 'school day' end at 3pm. At least now he can get home at 3:15 and get started on homework, rather than not getting home till after 6pm, sometimes 7, eating and then still having school work to do..
So again I told him his feelings were very normal and that he could stay in contact with them and if he wanted to, when he had holidays from school and they were open, we could go up there for a visit and stop and have some lunch too. I think he liked that idea.
However mother nature decided we needed a rough ride going home Friday night. I had already planned for Colin and I to stop for dinner. He opted for Subway at the Oasis as he thinks its cool to sit at the window seats and see all the traffic moving below you. Well it started to snow about 3pm and I was getting dejavu from the time it snowed on that thursday night and it took us 3+ hrs to get home. But this time it was a Friday and neither Colin or I had anywhere to be the next morning so if it took 10 hrs to get home it wasn't as bad as before. well once again the snow caused traffic HELL.. We got to our turnoff to get on 294 and traffic was backed up as far as the eye could see. We looked at each other and said BAIL... plan B!
We headed up lake/cook rd opting to hit 355 way home and I said know what there is an outback steak house up the way, are you up for some Outback.. so that is where we ended up having dinner. The Gods musta been looking out for me too knowing I'm doing this bootcamp. I figured I could get a decent steak but they had Mahi Mahi on the fish list that night and WOW I have not had a better piece of fish in a resturant in sometime. It was freaking awesome and cooked to perfection! sided by some crispy steamed snow peas! it was a perfect meal. colin had the pork chops w/mashed potatoes and was in heaven. I asked if he wanted dessert but nothing on dessert menu even appealed to him, so I didn't have to worry with that temptation..
The next day George took the kids and I to Dave and Busters in celebration. its a resturant with a huge game room on the back half. I mean HUGE! We thought it would be a good way for us all to celebrate together, not just Colin's finishing but to also thank Caitlin for stepping up to the plate and dealing with so much time on her own after school. We all had a great time.. well till we got home and the brownie baking thing happened or they wanted it to happen. I think we got that worked out for now...
Week Two of Bootcamp
Well the first week is over and done.. started on 1/18 and ended 1/24/06. Today begins day 1 of the 2nd week. Today I saw 152.8 on my scale.. Considering I had lived around 137 for a while in 2003/2004, today's weight seems high, but I'm happy with it, because every since my previous BB show in Nov 2004, I've only seen the upper 170's, consitant 160's and upper 150's.
The harder part of its been getting in cardio minutes. I like the weight training and the nutrition side of it I'm ok with, but I don't care for cardio and when you looking at 90 minutes a day... but I've also done this before and it didn't seem hard then. So I need to dig down and find that mentality again. When I did it before I split the cardio into two sessions. Usually 45 in the AM and another 45 in the PM. I put in a movie and went to town on my treadmill. And when I did hit the gym for cardio, I mixed it up, X minutes on this machine, X minutes on that one, etc.
so I need to grasp that same mentality again and its not forever, its only for a short time.
So week two here I come..
The harder part of its been getting in cardio minutes. I like the weight training and the nutrition side of it I'm ok with, but I don't care for cardio and when you looking at 90 minutes a day... but I've also done this before and it didn't seem hard then. So I need to dig down and find that mentality again. When I did it before I split the cardio into two sessions. Usually 45 in the AM and another 45 in the PM. I put in a movie and went to town on my treadmill. And when I did hit the gym for cardio, I mixed it up, X minutes on this machine, X minutes on that one, etc.
so I need to grasp that same mentality again and its not forever, its only for a short time.
So week two here I come..
Sunday, January 22, 2006
Bootcamp is going well so far, but granted its not even the first full week :o) I started the BC on 1/18 @ 156.4 today I am 153.6... a combination of a few things.. #1 my cycle started just prior to BC beginning and it has now ended, so that wonderful water gain we ladies tend to deal with has subsided and #2 I've gotten back into not only resistance training but cardio too and on a daily basis. With this neck and hip stuff I've been dealing with, once it started to feel a bit better I was nervous about getting back to exercising consistantly, I didn't want the pain to come back.
Well with the help of a good chiro. I can say the hip pain is gone for now.. I've gotten back to cardio, running outside and even doing leg work in the gym and as long as I do my stretches all seems fine. Oh sure the normal muscle tightness and soreness from a good workout but not the nagging aches. The shoulder/arm is getting better but I still have issues there..
I'm doing great food wise.. But when I get focused it all seems to come together. I know right now a lot of the mentality is not wanting to loose my leverage money and its not so much losing the money but where it would go and when I go to open the fridge that crossed my mind. In all honesty this BC was just the PUSH I needed to get ME rolling back to what I know how to do.
I'm not going extreme either. My calories are staying between 1200-1500, with occasional lower days, but we all have days were we are just not hungry and then other days were you could eat the dead skunk alongside the road.
As far as exercise.. on days I do weight training, which can take 30-45 minutes depends on bodypart being worked and the crowd in the gym, I add 30-45 minutes of cardio afterwards. On days without weights I do an hour of cardio. Now if I get out to run that goes longer but running outside as opposed to treadmill running is more relaxing and I can go for longer than an hour and it doesn't seem like an hour or even 30minutes on the t.mill does.
Keeping the eating clean helps with not having to do so much cardio. Other than lower body (legs) I think I tend to gain muscle at a nice pace so that helps too, since it takes more to FEED that muscle, caloriewise, then the same amount of fat. Today for a moment I thought about something sweet but I had a diet mountain dew and the moment passed.
The kids are a bit upset with me, I think.. I do tend to be an all or nothing person and the codependency makes me feel others should be the same as I am, so I am slowly learning to come to grips with all that. Previously I would have been like a nazi and not wanted any junk food type stuff in the house at all, but I am trying hard to learn to relax and while I still don't think Caitlin or Colin need the chips and cookies and such, I am buying them when we go shopping. They both are overweight for their ages and heights but I can't seem to make them see that no matter how I say it, be it gently or otherwise, so I can only pray that they won't get to the point of morbidly obese someday. Anyhow last night they wanted to make brownies and I had to say NO.. I looked at them both and pleaded, that I needed their support right now and to please NOT do that to me.. Its not the idea of brownies in the house, hell no matter of fact when I went shopping last night I got cookies, chips, and a couple of brownies from the bakery section.. Its the smell of them baking in the house right now that would kill me..
I don't know is it asking too much? Like I said I am ok with the stuff in the house, bought it at the store, but I could not handle the smell of it baking in the house. I could even go to the store and buy my favorite toll house cookies and bring them home and not want any, but if I bought the ingredients at the store and set about actually making them and having to smell them baking, that would send me over the edge.. And from previous binge sessions, I can tell ya Target makes the toll house cookies and has them prepackaged in their bakery section and they are freaking awesome.
So am I wrong in being ok with the stuff in the house but just asking that they don't bake the stuff themselves?
Well with the help of a good chiro. I can say the hip pain is gone for now.. I've gotten back to cardio, running outside and even doing leg work in the gym and as long as I do my stretches all seems fine. Oh sure the normal muscle tightness and soreness from a good workout but not the nagging aches. The shoulder/arm is getting better but I still have issues there..
I'm doing great food wise.. But when I get focused it all seems to come together. I know right now a lot of the mentality is not wanting to loose my leverage money and its not so much losing the money but where it would go and when I go to open the fridge that crossed my mind. In all honesty this BC was just the PUSH I needed to get ME rolling back to what I know how to do.
I'm not going extreme either. My calories are staying between 1200-1500, with occasional lower days, but we all have days were we are just not hungry and then other days were you could eat the dead skunk alongside the road.
As far as exercise.. on days I do weight training, which can take 30-45 minutes depends on bodypart being worked and the crowd in the gym, I add 30-45 minutes of cardio afterwards. On days without weights I do an hour of cardio. Now if I get out to run that goes longer but running outside as opposed to treadmill running is more relaxing and I can go for longer than an hour and it doesn't seem like an hour or even 30minutes on the t.mill does.
Keeping the eating clean helps with not having to do so much cardio. Other than lower body (legs) I think I tend to gain muscle at a nice pace so that helps too, since it takes more to FEED that muscle, caloriewise, then the same amount of fat. Today for a moment I thought about something sweet but I had a diet mountain dew and the moment passed.
The kids are a bit upset with me, I think.. I do tend to be an all or nothing person and the codependency makes me feel others should be the same as I am, so I am slowly learning to come to grips with all that. Previously I would have been like a nazi and not wanted any junk food type stuff in the house at all, but I am trying hard to learn to relax and while I still don't think Caitlin or Colin need the chips and cookies and such, I am buying them when we go shopping. They both are overweight for their ages and heights but I can't seem to make them see that no matter how I say it, be it gently or otherwise, so I can only pray that they won't get to the point of morbidly obese someday. Anyhow last night they wanted to make brownies and I had to say NO.. I looked at them both and pleaded, that I needed their support right now and to please NOT do that to me.. Its not the idea of brownies in the house, hell no matter of fact when I went shopping last night I got cookies, chips, and a couple of brownies from the bakery section.. Its the smell of them baking in the house right now that would kill me..
I don't know is it asking too much? Like I said I am ok with the stuff in the house, bought it at the store, but I could not handle the smell of it baking in the house. I could even go to the store and buy my favorite toll house cookies and bring them home and not want any, but if I bought the ingredients at the store and set about actually making them and having to smell them baking, that would send me over the edge.. And from previous binge sessions, I can tell ya Target makes the toll house cookies and has them prepackaged in their bakery section and they are freaking awesome.
So am I wrong in being ok with the stuff in the house but just asking that they don't bake the stuff themselves?
Wednesday, January 18, 2006
Abundance Mentality
An "abundance mentality" is more than having a positive mental attitude, although a positive mental attitude is very important. When you have a positive mental attitude, you look at how things can be done rather than why they can't be done. You believe that "where there's a will there's a way." You look at possibilities and opportunities rather than obstacles and problems. This mindset is important for success in any endeavor. An abundance mentality will take you beyond a positive mental attitude. It will eliminate the small thinking and offset negative energy. It can mean the difference between success and failure, excellence and mediocrity, and prosperity and despair.... People with an abundance mentality believe there are enough resources available to accomplish their goals. They also believe that their success doesn't mean failure for others. On the contrary, the more successful they are, the more others are affected in a positive way.... Abundance starts in your mind. The more you think abundantly, the more abundance you can enjoy, the more success you will enjoy. --Ray Houze
Leanness Lifestyle Bootcamp
It all starts tonight.. It will certainly be a tough 5 wks but in the end rewarding too.
We had to set up incremental financial leverages with paypal. Basically you have certain goals to hit each week and if you are missing the mark you have X amount of days to get back on track (told you this would be intense). Some members of the club that are not in bootcamp have set up leverages via paypal on there own. We had to set up 3 phases, the first phase is 2 wks and its $25 per wk, 2nd phase is 2 wks and its $50 per wk and the 3rd and final phase is 1 wk for $100 so the total sum is only $250 but when your working part time $250 is not something I can afford to lose and to have to ask George for the money would kill me even more. Your $$ is on the line the entire time and you don't get any of it back till the end of bootcamp. The money had to be set up to go to a charity, the coach does not benefit from this in an fashion. It was suggested we make it a charity we despise to make it even more painful if we lost our money.
Personally I can't think of a charity I dislike that much that would motivate me to perform as I am going to have to.. So I asked if the funds could go to an individual. I was told I could set it up this way. That works much better for me because I WILL NOT allow my money to go to this person and it would be accompanied by a note that said I failed to reach my goal and you get my money to do whatever you want with it. So we will see who reaches goals they set and who has the last laugh!
Probably motivation for ALL the wrong reasons but screw it if it gets me on my way to where I need to be that is all that matters right now to me.. I had some so called friend slap me in the face before and it gave me all the motivation to finally get the last pounds off me before and I kept them off for quite some time... over a year... then there is that horrid after a bodybuilding show entitlement mentality that happens that no one tells you about and I ate and didn't exercise for 6 months and managed to put on these 50some pounds.. I've gotten 20 off on my own so here is to the last 30! Hell how many morbidly obese people never get moving till someone they don't even know passes them in a mall and says 'mommy look at that fat lady' you hear it all the time on these discovery channel programs and such - so who cares WHY you get going or what gets you to that I've had enough point.
I start working and training with Jennifer again for the show in May! I am thrilled! We have our first session Thursday! For now we will meet once a week as the competition gets closer probably more often but for now we will meet every Thursday!
We had to set up incremental financial leverages with paypal. Basically you have certain goals to hit each week and if you are missing the mark you have X amount of days to get back on track (told you this would be intense). Some members of the club that are not in bootcamp have set up leverages via paypal on there own. We had to set up 3 phases, the first phase is 2 wks and its $25 per wk, 2nd phase is 2 wks and its $50 per wk and the 3rd and final phase is 1 wk for $100 so the total sum is only $250 but when your working part time $250 is not something I can afford to lose and to have to ask George for the money would kill me even more. Your $$ is on the line the entire time and you don't get any of it back till the end of bootcamp. The money had to be set up to go to a charity, the coach does not benefit from this in an fashion. It was suggested we make it a charity we despise to make it even more painful if we lost our money.
Personally I can't think of a charity I dislike that much that would motivate me to perform as I am going to have to.. So I asked if the funds could go to an individual. I was told I could set it up this way. That works much better for me because I WILL NOT allow my money to go to this person and it would be accompanied by a note that said I failed to reach my goal and you get my money to do whatever you want with it. So we will see who reaches goals they set and who has the last laugh!
Probably motivation for ALL the wrong reasons but screw it if it gets me on my way to where I need to be that is all that matters right now to me.. I had some so called friend slap me in the face before and it gave me all the motivation to finally get the last pounds off me before and I kept them off for quite some time... over a year... then there is that horrid after a bodybuilding show entitlement mentality that happens that no one tells you about and I ate and didn't exercise for 6 months and managed to put on these 50some pounds.. I've gotten 20 off on my own so here is to the last 30! Hell how many morbidly obese people never get moving till someone they don't even know passes them in a mall and says 'mommy look at that fat lady' you hear it all the time on these discovery channel programs and such - so who cares WHY you get going or what gets you to that I've had enough point.
I start working and training with Jennifer again for the show in May! I am thrilled! We have our first session Thursday! For now we will meet once a week as the competition gets closer probably more often but for now we will meet every Thursday!
Monday, January 16, 2006
On the road again
I'm super excited! This week starts the leanness lifestyle bootcamp intensive! Plus if not this week certainly by next week I will once again be training with Jennifer Abrams.
www.jenniferabrams.net
She is going for her Pro card this summer in NY in July. She is a natural bodybuilder and this competition for her is a drug tested natural event! I'm excited for her, with all the bad press of late for pro bodybuilders and just peoples thoughts in general, the sport has gotten some bad press and I hope Jennifer is the beginning of a new era. To bring the sport back around to what it should be and not these steriod freaks you see, male and female. Its no wonder a good portion of women assume lifting any type of weight will cause you to bulk up, this is what they see in magazines so its no wonder.
Anyhow my SO George is an avid videographer, its not what he does for a living but he enjoys it. He has always wanted to do some sort of documentary type thing of a day in the life of a natural bodybuilder and what it really takes to get on stage.. Well Jennifer wants to document this journey to her Pro status - can you say PERFECT TIMING! Jen has seen the work George does when he video's the BB shows for the competitors and likes his work (he is very creative) so Jen and George will be getting together over the next several months shooting tape for the end product.
This works to my advantage because to actually have to pay for someone to do this type of work is pretty expensive. I'm sure upwards of $150 bucks an hour for a videographer, at least when George did that for a living some time ago it was that expensive then and that's been 10+ yrs. Well Jen is not independently wealthy but has offered to swap services. George video's for her, I get to train with her and then any $$ made off the end product will be worked out.
This will be an excellent project I do believe.. I think sometimes people can look at a person on stage and not realize that they actually have a life behind the scenes. They have kids that don't cooperate, that get sick, cars that break down on the way to the gym in 90+ degree heat, children that need an extra room mom at school, or a support person for their brownie troop, or a babysitter that doesn't show up when you have a photo shoot scheduled and a host of other life issues. This project will be a true story of what it takes to go from point A to point B and all the detours that happen in between.
Both Jen and George are super creative minds and this will be an awesome product when all is said and done! And the chance to workout and train with Jen again is out of this world. She is very supportive and encouraging and I am looking forward to it!
www.jenniferabrams.net
She is going for her Pro card this summer in NY in July. She is a natural bodybuilder and this competition for her is a drug tested natural event! I'm excited for her, with all the bad press of late for pro bodybuilders and just peoples thoughts in general, the sport has gotten some bad press and I hope Jennifer is the beginning of a new era. To bring the sport back around to what it should be and not these steriod freaks you see, male and female. Its no wonder a good portion of women assume lifting any type of weight will cause you to bulk up, this is what they see in magazines so its no wonder.
Anyhow my SO George is an avid videographer, its not what he does for a living but he enjoys it. He has always wanted to do some sort of documentary type thing of a day in the life of a natural bodybuilder and what it really takes to get on stage.. Well Jennifer wants to document this journey to her Pro status - can you say PERFECT TIMING! Jen has seen the work George does when he video's the BB shows for the competitors and likes his work (he is very creative) so Jen and George will be getting together over the next several months shooting tape for the end product.
This works to my advantage because to actually have to pay for someone to do this type of work is pretty expensive. I'm sure upwards of $150 bucks an hour for a videographer, at least when George did that for a living some time ago it was that expensive then and that's been 10+ yrs. Well Jen is not independently wealthy but has offered to swap services. George video's for her, I get to train with her and then any $$ made off the end product will be worked out.
This will be an excellent project I do believe.. I think sometimes people can look at a person on stage and not realize that they actually have a life behind the scenes. They have kids that don't cooperate, that get sick, cars that break down on the way to the gym in 90+ degree heat, children that need an extra room mom at school, or a support person for their brownie troop, or a babysitter that doesn't show up when you have a photo shoot scheduled and a host of other life issues. This project will be a true story of what it takes to go from point A to point B and all the detours that happen in between.
Both Jen and George are super creative minds and this will be an awesome product when all is said and done! And the chance to workout and train with Jen again is out of this world. She is very supportive and encouraging and I am looking forward to it!
Being Techno Challenged
UGH! Last night I went out for a run. KT talks about her Garmin Forerunner her brother got her sounded like a nifty piece of equipment. I got a gift certificate to the run store for the holidays and they had them on sale so I put some of my other Chirstmas money with the GC and got one.. Ah but using it is another story!
So last night I go out for a run to play with it a bit.. and I have NO idea what the heck I did but all that got recorded were my HR and my time.. but I could not get the time display to read out while I was running only gave me the total time? then it told me I went 11 feet? never gave me mileage? I was out for 37 minutes so I know I went further than 11 feet :o)
Guess its back to the instruction manual for me!
So last night I go out for a run to play with it a bit.. and I have NO idea what the heck I did but all that got recorded were my HR and my time.. but I could not get the time display to read out while I was running only gave me the total time? then it told me I went 11 feet? never gave me mileage? I was out for 37 minutes so I know I went further than 11 feet :o)
Guess its back to the instruction manual for me!
Saturday, January 14, 2006
On the path to getting back there
was looking thru some photos on the computer and found some from the BB competition I did in November of 2004 - thought I'd post it to give myself some inspiration as I go full force and head long into getting this body back for May, but only better!
I wish I could have that tan look like that year round but being a fair skinned red head its just not possible. Enter the wonders of a few coats of ProTan, a few sessions of Mystic Tan and then Dream Tan the day of the show and WaLa, you get a tan redhead :o)
I wish I could have that tan look like that year round but being a fair skinned red head its just not possible. Enter the wonders of a few coats of ProTan, a few sessions of Mystic Tan and then Dream Tan the day of the show and WaLa, you get a tan redhead :o)
Friday, January 13, 2006
My time, Your time, Our Time
Maybe I'm being over sensitve but at the risk of it... In the quest to learn to take care of myself and stop controlling others, I have to learn to not let myself get stressed out about certain things.
Last night I told both the kids that dad had to leave the house at 6:30 am and I needed to be to work at 7:30 am to meet up with a client who was dropping off some papers so if they wanted me to take them to school WE HAD TO BE IN THE CAR AND PULLING OUT OF THE DRIVEWAY BY 7:20 AM. That leaves me enough time to get them to school and me to get back across town by 7:30 to meet the client. Well they weren't in the car till 7:25 which meant I was late getting to work (i open) which meant the client couldn't wait around, which meant I missed them, which now means I have to go in on Saturday to meet client and get paperwork and stay and get a years worth of stuff done, which had I gotten there on time I could have gotten the stuff done today before I had to leave.. Very small business and its basically easy input and reconcilliation but they are having an audit next week they need some stuff completed for.
First let me give you some background.. #1 we live a tad less than 2 miles from the school, 1.8 to be exact, #2 the kids are 14 and 12, #3 there is a bus that picks them up on the corner at 7:15 am. I'm sure most of us that lived that close to school had to walk, there was no bus but since a portion of the path is not sidewalked I guess the school district provides a bus.
So as it is EVERY SINGLE MORNING I start the process of knocking on their bedroom doors at 6:30ish am, telling them its time to get up and reminding them not to forget that we must be out of here in x minutes I have to get to work to meet a client. Well at their ages you'd assume they would be a bit more mature and not have to be woken up again at 6:50, then again at 7am.... I'm not kidding this is the routine every single day. Generally Colin is up but lays in that bed till the very last second when your screaming ITS TIME TO GO NOW. But Caitlin forget it, she is literally not even up and falls back asleep as soon as you start to go back about getting your own morning routine done, then of course as I did at that age and any other teenage girl she has to primp for school...
So sure enough I'm running around at 7:18 shutting the lights off and locking the house down.. Colin comes out of his room, as usual no shoes on and can't find them and says why is it so dark in here.. BECAUSE ITS 7:18 AND I TOLD YOU BOTH I HAD TO BE AT WORK ON TIME TODAY TO MEET A CLIENT... Well I just have to get my shoes on, well if you would have gotten your ass up one of the other 3 times I asked you to this morning.... So anyhow I went out to the car, its now 7:21 he stolls out, then 7:25 she stolls out and everyone is pissed at me! Well excuse the fuck out of me, not only did I tell you last night it was very important I get to work on time today, I reminded you of this a couple of times this morning..
I was always taught to be respectful of someone elses time and I guess I wouldn't be so pissed about this IF it didn't happen 99% of the time BUT IT DOES more often then it doesn't.
So I'm not sure what else to do.. I've tried to talk to George about this but he allows them to get away with this. How can you expect to learn to be on time in life when you are never taught the lessons of what happens when your not.. I honestly had half a mind to just fucking leave this morning and let their asses find a way to school, but I know the turmoil that would have caused between George and I. Because by this time they would have also missed the bus and had to walk to school.
So the only thing I can think to do now and for the future to avoid myself getting stressed about someone elses actions and lack of respect of my time, is tonight the four of us will have a discussion and I will just have to tell them since you guys can not seem to find it within yourselves to be respectful of my time and the priviledge of being taken to school when a bus IS available, then I have no choice, when your dad can not drive you to school because he has to leave the house early, then on those days you will HAVE to take the bus and if you miss it you will have to walk. Its not fair that I now have to go in on Saturday because you two made me miss a client who themselves had to get somewhere and could not wait on me.
I can't control what anyone else does but I can control how I handle it and from now on I will handle it differently. I will do what I need to do and get myself to work. 99% of the time it would not matter if I wasn't there at exactly 7:30 but today it was and 99% of the time I wouldn't care but today I did.
Just curious how would any of you handle the situation... HONESTLY!
Last night I told both the kids that dad had to leave the house at 6:30 am and I needed to be to work at 7:30 am to meet up with a client who was dropping off some papers so if they wanted me to take them to school WE HAD TO BE IN THE CAR AND PULLING OUT OF THE DRIVEWAY BY 7:20 AM. That leaves me enough time to get them to school and me to get back across town by 7:30 to meet the client. Well they weren't in the car till 7:25 which meant I was late getting to work (i open) which meant the client couldn't wait around, which meant I missed them, which now means I have to go in on Saturday to meet client and get paperwork and stay and get a years worth of stuff done, which had I gotten there on time I could have gotten the stuff done today before I had to leave.. Very small business and its basically easy input and reconcilliation but they are having an audit next week they need some stuff completed for.
First let me give you some background.. #1 we live a tad less than 2 miles from the school, 1.8 to be exact, #2 the kids are 14 and 12, #3 there is a bus that picks them up on the corner at 7:15 am. I'm sure most of us that lived that close to school had to walk, there was no bus but since a portion of the path is not sidewalked I guess the school district provides a bus.
So as it is EVERY SINGLE MORNING I start the process of knocking on their bedroom doors at 6:30ish am, telling them its time to get up and reminding them not to forget that we must be out of here in x minutes I have to get to work to meet a client. Well at their ages you'd assume they would be a bit more mature and not have to be woken up again at 6:50, then again at 7am.... I'm not kidding this is the routine every single day. Generally Colin is up but lays in that bed till the very last second when your screaming ITS TIME TO GO NOW. But Caitlin forget it, she is literally not even up and falls back asleep as soon as you start to go back about getting your own morning routine done, then of course as I did at that age and any other teenage girl she has to primp for school...
So sure enough I'm running around at 7:18 shutting the lights off and locking the house down.. Colin comes out of his room, as usual no shoes on and can't find them and says why is it so dark in here.. BECAUSE ITS 7:18 AND I TOLD YOU BOTH I HAD TO BE AT WORK ON TIME TODAY TO MEET A CLIENT... Well I just have to get my shoes on, well if you would have gotten your ass up one of the other 3 times I asked you to this morning.... So anyhow I went out to the car, its now 7:21 he stolls out, then 7:25 she stolls out and everyone is pissed at me! Well excuse the fuck out of me, not only did I tell you last night it was very important I get to work on time today, I reminded you of this a couple of times this morning..
I was always taught to be respectful of someone elses time and I guess I wouldn't be so pissed about this IF it didn't happen 99% of the time BUT IT DOES more often then it doesn't.
So I'm not sure what else to do.. I've tried to talk to George about this but he allows them to get away with this. How can you expect to learn to be on time in life when you are never taught the lessons of what happens when your not.. I honestly had half a mind to just fucking leave this morning and let their asses find a way to school, but I know the turmoil that would have caused between George and I. Because by this time they would have also missed the bus and had to walk to school.
So the only thing I can think to do now and for the future to avoid myself getting stressed about someone elses actions and lack of respect of my time, is tonight the four of us will have a discussion and I will just have to tell them since you guys can not seem to find it within yourselves to be respectful of my time and the priviledge of being taken to school when a bus IS available, then I have no choice, when your dad can not drive you to school because he has to leave the house early, then on those days you will HAVE to take the bus and if you miss it you will have to walk. Its not fair that I now have to go in on Saturday because you two made me miss a client who themselves had to get somewhere and could not wait on me.
I can't control what anyone else does but I can control how I handle it and from now on I will handle it differently. I will do what I need to do and get myself to work. 99% of the time it would not matter if I wasn't there at exactly 7:30 but today it was and 99% of the time I wouldn't care but today I did.
Just curious how would any of you handle the situation... HONESTLY!
My first meeting
WOW is all I can say! Just when you think you are so alone in the world you find out different but the best part is finding out there is hope, there is light at the end of the tunnel.. but sometimes the tunnel will be VERY dark inside and not easy to navigate. However it can't be any worse then how things are now.
The meetings are structured very much like AA or Al-Anon, at least I assume having never been to one of those types of meetings. There is/are a 12 step program, values and traditions you go thru and the first is it admit we are powerless over other people and we must not strive to control them but ourselves.
The first meeting you are whisked away from the larger group into a smaller group with others that have worked the program or are living the principles. They share their story with you and you can tell them why your there or not, its up to you.
I found myself being able to relate to all of them in some fashion and I found myself in tears listening to them recant their story and having had similiar things in my life. Feelings of shame, guilt, never being good enough, always feeling if I just did this or that better so and so would love me more, being a workaholic, always keeping busy to avoid your pain... It cut straight to my heart. But I left with smiles and with HOPE! HOPE that while it won't be easy, that I can learn to begin to LIVE my life and not just exist in it.
If there was anything I didn't like about the whole thing is the smoking.. UGH! The meeting itself is non-smoking but after the initial hour meeting is over you are free to light up... there is a smoke eater exhaust type thing in the room but when you have a small room and 5+ peeps lighting up... I drove home with my car windows down and left them down in the garage to air out my car and I HAD to take a shower the second I walked in the door.. But I do believe inspite of the smokyness after the meeting, I will be going back. Its a heck of a lot cheaper then a shrink and these people have lived in my shoes, not just peeps trying some text book cure they learned in Phyciatry school...
The meetings are structured very much like AA or Al-Anon, at least I assume having never been to one of those types of meetings. There is/are a 12 step program, values and traditions you go thru and the first is it admit we are powerless over other people and we must not strive to control them but ourselves.
The first meeting you are whisked away from the larger group into a smaller group with others that have worked the program or are living the principles. They share their story with you and you can tell them why your there or not, its up to you.
I found myself being able to relate to all of them in some fashion and I found myself in tears listening to them recant their story and having had similiar things in my life. Feelings of shame, guilt, never being good enough, always feeling if I just did this or that better so and so would love me more, being a workaholic, always keeping busy to avoid your pain... It cut straight to my heart. But I left with smiles and with HOPE! HOPE that while it won't be easy, that I can learn to begin to LIVE my life and not just exist in it.
If there was anything I didn't like about the whole thing is the smoking.. UGH! The meeting itself is non-smoking but after the initial hour meeting is over you are free to light up... there is a smoke eater exhaust type thing in the room but when you have a small room and 5+ peeps lighting up... I drove home with my car windows down and left them down in the garage to air out my car and I HAD to take a shower the second I walked in the door.. But I do believe inspite of the smokyness after the meeting, I will be going back. Its a heck of a lot cheaper then a shrink and these people have lived in my shoes, not just peeps trying some text book cure they learned in Phyciatry school...
Thursday, January 12, 2006
One thing to another
I guess originally this blog started out as something totally different. It was about my weight loss journey but it has also turned into something else in the revealing of my darker side. I hope you will all bear along with me along the way because its a theraphy of sorts for me. Any therapist I have been to always said to journal about your feelings, write a letter to your mother you never will send, but get it out of your head because what we allow in our heads can overwhelm us but when we get it out, we can learn to deal with it, fix it, heal it.
In the end that is all I am trying to do is to heal myself and I guess along those lines there will be happy times as well as sad ones and I know in the coming months some down right painful moments, but I must go thru the stages of loss. I must somehow mourn the loss of the childhood I never had so I can become who God really intended for me to be and somehow I don't think He intended for me to be this hurt person I currently am, this person who can't trust (even God most times), doesn't know love or how to show it.
I know at the core of my being there is a great and wonderful person inside. A beautiful butterfly who is ready to break free of her safe chrysalis and spread her wings.
In the end that is all I am trying to do is to heal myself and I guess along those lines there will be happy times as well as sad ones and I know in the coming months some down right painful moments, but I must go thru the stages of loss. I must somehow mourn the loss of the childhood I never had so I can become who God really intended for me to be and somehow I don't think He intended for me to be this hurt person I currently am, this person who can't trust (even God most times), doesn't know love or how to show it.
I know at the core of my being there is a great and wonderful person inside. A beautiful butterfly who is ready to break free of her safe chrysalis and spread her wings.
Everything happens for a reason...
Sometimes things just go your way... Tonight at 8pm I have a chiro.appt. Tonight is also the codependents support group meeting in my area that I wanted to attend, it starts at 7pm. I was going to go and just miss the last part of the meeting so I can get to chiro appt. - hip and shoulder are feeling so much better I didn't want to reschedule or just cancel - but then I also wanted to stay for the entire meeting. I'm finally in a place where I am ready to come to grips with this and get some help.
Well a phone call today solved my dilema.. My Chiro's office called and the DR is not feeling well and won't be in today but she could come in and see me on Saturday if need be.. I called the office back and said that would not be necessary and that Monday at 12:30 would be fine. While I don't wish her any ill will and hope she gets better soon, this has worked in my favor.
I often wonder if God or whatever you feel your higher power is, helps these circumstances along? Maybe He feels I need this meeting, this support group, more than I needed the Chiropractor appt tonight. I don't know and maybe its nothing but circumstance but tonight I will be thankful for the situation and attend and stay for the entire meeting. Will this be the answer, will this help? Who knows but I know one thing it certainly can't hurt anymore than I hurt inside right now. To me mental and emotional pain is so much worse. I often wished that my mother just beat me instead of verbal abuse me. To me at least the pain goes away after the beating but the pain of the emotional scars hurts forever. Of course often times I got both a beating and verbal abuse.
I wonder if she ever looks back on her life and feels sorry for the things she has done? I know that NO parent is perfect and every parent might look back and say I wish I had done this, that or the other thing, but I wonder is she ever sorry for the things she said to us, is she ever sorry we don't love her like we should, is she sorry she never could see good in anything we did then or even now? Sadly I think she has lied to herself so much that she honestly believes she was a great mother.
Last year at Christmas I foolishly agreed with my brother to fly her here for the holidays (in 2004). Bro and I split the plane ticket, she stayed with him for a bit and then with me. I still to this day have NO idea why I allowed me to do that to myself. I am depressed enough around the holidays let alone add her to the mix. But my brother said "the kids (my nieces and nephews) need to know their grandmother" and I foolishly agreed. Still I don't know why because she treats them as she did my brothers and I. Its really odd, my brother re-married a wonderful gal, Teri who had two kids of her own and my brothers kids live with him, so they became a family of 6, 4kids and 2 adults, anyhow.... My mother will act toward and speak to my brothers natural children, Brittany and Dustin, 100% different than she does Teri's children, Jayce and Gavin. She is constantly reprimanding B and D and showing love and kindness on J and G. I don't fault the kids for this at all, because that is exactly what she did to us as kids. The neighbors kids, or her friends children were the angels God sent to live on earth and we, her children, were the spawns of hell. And so this is how the entire day on Christmas of 2004 was.
Poor George, Caitlin and Colin, I can't even believe I allowed myself to subject THEM to my mother. I had told them how she would be, but I think George truly began to see a lot of things when he had taken the time to put together this wonderful DVD of my bodybuilding show. He extrapolated all the parts out of the footage of me and my day from the night before in the hotel room with my best friend Debbie, and the kids, to my registration the day of the show and getting weighed in and getting my competitor number etc. to my individual routine. He even set it to music, Green Days THE TIME OF YOUR LIFE. Gosh just thinking of it brings tears to my eyes.. Anyhow he brought the DVD to the bro's to show the family and rather than my mother saying how wonderful I looked, she squeals at the top of her lungs, OH MY GOD THAT IS SO DISGUSTING how can you stand to look like that? How can you stand to have all that muscle? You look horrible... and on and on and on.... till finally my brother looks at her and says "SHUT UP CAN'T YOU FOR ONE FUCKING TIME BE PROUD OF ANYTHING ONE OF US HAS DONE EVEN IF ITS NOT FOR YOU" My sister looks beautiful, she lost all that weight and this is how SHE choose to celebrate it and all you can do is say how disgusting it looks! The look on George's face.. .well I won't say priceless but I think he finally understood a lot of things about why I am the way I am. He later tried to have a conversation with her later in the week when she was staying with us a day longer cause her flight was delayed then eventually cancelled, about my brother and what a good father he is (George being a single dad himself knows how hard it is and can be) and as hard as he tried he could not get her to even remotely admit that her son was a good father.
Well I guess I better save as draft or publish post as I see blogger has an outage scheduled and I don't want to lose everything....
Well a phone call today solved my dilema.. My Chiro's office called and the DR is not feeling well and won't be in today but she could come in and see me on Saturday if need be.. I called the office back and said that would not be necessary and that Monday at 12:30 would be fine. While I don't wish her any ill will and hope she gets better soon, this has worked in my favor.
I often wonder if God or whatever you feel your higher power is, helps these circumstances along? Maybe He feels I need this meeting, this support group, more than I needed the Chiropractor appt tonight. I don't know and maybe its nothing but circumstance but tonight I will be thankful for the situation and attend and stay for the entire meeting. Will this be the answer, will this help? Who knows but I know one thing it certainly can't hurt anymore than I hurt inside right now. To me mental and emotional pain is so much worse. I often wished that my mother just beat me instead of verbal abuse me. To me at least the pain goes away after the beating but the pain of the emotional scars hurts forever. Of course often times I got both a beating and verbal abuse.
I wonder if she ever looks back on her life and feels sorry for the things she has done? I know that NO parent is perfect and every parent might look back and say I wish I had done this, that or the other thing, but I wonder is she ever sorry for the things she said to us, is she ever sorry we don't love her like we should, is she sorry she never could see good in anything we did then or even now? Sadly I think she has lied to herself so much that she honestly believes she was a great mother.
Last year at Christmas I foolishly agreed with my brother to fly her here for the holidays (in 2004). Bro and I split the plane ticket, she stayed with him for a bit and then with me. I still to this day have NO idea why I allowed me to do that to myself. I am depressed enough around the holidays let alone add her to the mix. But my brother said "the kids (my nieces and nephews) need to know their grandmother" and I foolishly agreed. Still I don't know why because she treats them as she did my brothers and I. Its really odd, my brother re-married a wonderful gal, Teri who had two kids of her own and my brothers kids live with him, so they became a family of 6, 4kids and 2 adults, anyhow.... My mother will act toward and speak to my brothers natural children, Brittany and Dustin, 100% different than she does Teri's children, Jayce and Gavin. She is constantly reprimanding B and D and showing love and kindness on J and G. I don't fault the kids for this at all, because that is exactly what she did to us as kids. The neighbors kids, or her friends children were the angels God sent to live on earth and we, her children, were the spawns of hell. And so this is how the entire day on Christmas of 2004 was.
Poor George, Caitlin and Colin, I can't even believe I allowed myself to subject THEM to my mother. I had told them how she would be, but I think George truly began to see a lot of things when he had taken the time to put together this wonderful DVD of my bodybuilding show. He extrapolated all the parts out of the footage of me and my day from the night before in the hotel room with my best friend Debbie, and the kids, to my registration the day of the show and getting weighed in and getting my competitor number etc. to my individual routine. He even set it to music, Green Days THE TIME OF YOUR LIFE. Gosh just thinking of it brings tears to my eyes.. Anyhow he brought the DVD to the bro's to show the family and rather than my mother saying how wonderful I looked, she squeals at the top of her lungs, OH MY GOD THAT IS SO DISGUSTING how can you stand to look like that? How can you stand to have all that muscle? You look horrible... and on and on and on.... till finally my brother looks at her and says "SHUT UP CAN'T YOU FOR ONE FUCKING TIME BE PROUD OF ANYTHING ONE OF US HAS DONE EVEN IF ITS NOT FOR YOU" My sister looks beautiful, she lost all that weight and this is how SHE choose to celebrate it and all you can do is say how disgusting it looks! The look on George's face.. .well I won't say priceless but I think he finally understood a lot of things about why I am the way I am. He later tried to have a conversation with her later in the week when she was staying with us a day longer cause her flight was delayed then eventually cancelled, about my brother and what a good father he is (George being a single dad himself knows how hard it is and can be) and as hard as he tried he could not get her to even remotely admit that her son was a good father.
Well I guess I better save as draft or publish post as I see blogger has an outage scheduled and I don't want to lose everything....
Tuesday, January 10, 2006
CoDependency Support Groups
I'm tellin' ya its so hard and draining reading this book and reading about ME on the pages. I mean honestly she might as well have just used my name. Its very scary. There is not a chapter that goes by that I don't highlight the crap out of. I usually have to go back and re-read things because it brings me to tears.
I can see and agree with everything she says but it all seems so overwhelming and feels like something I don't know if I can fix or not.
I started doing some search on the internet and found the CoDA website and much like AA or Al-Anon., CoDA has support groups and meetings. I left a message for a contact person and they just called me back. The meetings are every Thursday at 7pm. He assured me that it IS very overwhelming but there is hope, there is light at the end of the tunnel, but its not an easy road, but it IS worth it. He assured me that all my feelings are normal and that when he attended his first meeting he sat in his car for over 1/2 an hour before he could get the courage to go inside, but once he did he was so glad he made that step.
Its a beginning, hopefully a new one for me.
I can see and agree with everything she says but it all seems so overwhelming and feels like something I don't know if I can fix or not.
I started doing some search on the internet and found the CoDA website and much like AA or Al-Anon., CoDA has support groups and meetings. I left a message for a contact person and they just called me back. The meetings are every Thursday at 7pm. He assured me that it IS very overwhelming but there is hope, there is light at the end of the tunnel, but its not an easy road, but it IS worth it. He assured me that all my feelings are normal and that when he attended his first meeting he sat in his car for over 1/2 an hour before he could get the courage to go inside, but once he did he was so glad he made that step.
Its a beginning, hopefully a new one for me.
Leanness Lifestyle Bootcamp
I'm in I'm in!! I got my message today that I was accepted. The Leanness Lifestyle is a members only club I belong to - www.leannesslifestyle.com - if you click on my sidebar where it says My Nutrition Logs you can see one of the tools available for use, there are many others, this one is a journal and a way for me to track my foods.
This club is also a support group of sorts for me. I've made some friends and not just internet peeps, I've actually had the fortune to meet some of them in person. Heck its how George and I met, although he is no longer a member. The intensives that Dave offers is also how I lost a good portion of my weight.. In DIVA II I went from 180ish to 150ish (10wks) this in April 2002 and then in April 2003 with Advanced DIVA intensive (these are just names he gives the challenge) I went from 150ish to 131ish (8wks, plus 8 wks maintenance however I still continued to loose).
So now he is calling the intensives BOOTCAMP and they are 5wks in length and CoEd - where as the intensives I did previously were female only. It starts on Jan 18th with our conference call for all the participants and rolls for 5wks ending February 22nd. We will have weekly assignments, goals that are decided upon with participant and Dave Greenwalt, a weekly call in every Wednesday night 8pm central time, and a leverage with paypal. We will be expected to hit goals and risk losing our $$ if we don't make the mark.. However before that happens you and Dave have a serious heart to heart one on one discussion. This is to keep the focus. Might sound odd to some out there but it works, at least for me.
If I can start this bootcamp on the 18th at 155ish (should be NO problem thats where I am now) and lose 10 pounds or more while I can have this intense focus, it will be just the jump start I need. Besides May 6th is about 16.5 wks away!
So why can't I do it on my own you ask? Well that is a very valid question and one that deserves an answer. I will have not only the cost of the bootcamp intensive on the line but I will over the 5 wks have another sum of money that I will get back if I met all my goals, but will lose if I don't. In addition I will have the help and support of knowing all my other team mates are doing this too. I'm not sure how to explain it so anyone understands but its helped me in the past and I know its just the jump start I need again. Plus its a focus. And lets face it I am competitive by nature, probably not for any of the right reasons, but I love a challenge and I know I can WIN this one!
This club is also a support group of sorts for me. I've made some friends and not just internet peeps, I've actually had the fortune to meet some of them in person. Heck its how George and I met, although he is no longer a member. The intensives that Dave offers is also how I lost a good portion of my weight.. In DIVA II I went from 180ish to 150ish (10wks) this in April 2002 and then in April 2003 with Advanced DIVA intensive (these are just names he gives the challenge) I went from 150ish to 131ish (8wks, plus 8 wks maintenance however I still continued to loose).
So now he is calling the intensives BOOTCAMP and they are 5wks in length and CoEd - where as the intensives I did previously were female only. It starts on Jan 18th with our conference call for all the participants and rolls for 5wks ending February 22nd. We will have weekly assignments, goals that are decided upon with participant and Dave Greenwalt, a weekly call in every Wednesday night 8pm central time, and a leverage with paypal. We will be expected to hit goals and risk losing our $$ if we don't make the mark.. However before that happens you and Dave have a serious heart to heart one on one discussion. This is to keep the focus. Might sound odd to some out there but it works, at least for me.
If I can start this bootcamp on the 18th at 155ish (should be NO problem thats where I am now) and lose 10 pounds or more while I can have this intense focus, it will be just the jump start I need. Besides May 6th is about 16.5 wks away!
So why can't I do it on my own you ask? Well that is a very valid question and one that deserves an answer. I will have not only the cost of the bootcamp intensive on the line but I will over the 5 wks have another sum of money that I will get back if I met all my goals, but will lose if I don't. In addition I will have the help and support of knowing all my other team mates are doing this too. I'm not sure how to explain it so anyone understands but its helped me in the past and I know its just the jump start I need again. Plus its a focus. And lets face it I am competitive by nature, probably not for any of the right reasons, but I love a challenge and I know I can WIN this one!
Friday, January 06, 2006
Being Codependent (my miscellaneous ramblings)
The first time this term ever came to my ears I thought of someone who supported a drug addict or alcoholic. I've come to realize that is not necessarily true.
I was seeing a therapist in Delaware, working on some issues that have plaqued me all my life and when she suggested a book called Codependent No More - How to stop controlling others and start caring for yourself - I kinda looked at her funny. I said I don't live with an alcoholic or drug addict.. So anyhow I got the book at her suggestion and began reading it. I was shocked to be reading about ME in those pages, it was down right eerie. Well needless to say the book and the therapist were hitting a bit to close to home and I stopped reading the book and seeing her.
Recently though I've been in a lot of emotional pain and thought about that book again and dug it out and I've began to read it once again. While I'm sure to some degree we are ALL codependent - when it gets to a point you don't take care of you any longer because you are so wrapped up in someone/something else, it becomes a problem. There are about 8 1/2 pages of characteristics of codependency and to some degree I fit every single fucking one of them. The activity asks you to re-read thru the list and put a 0 next to those characteristics that are NEVER a problem for you, 1 next to those that are sometimes a problem and a 2 next to those that are always a problem for you.. Well out of 8 1/2 pages of single bulleted characteristics I have about 90% #2's, 9% #1's and maybe just maybe 1% are ZEROS.
I guess these tendancies started for me at a very young age. I always felt I was the mother to my two younger brothers. I don't fault my mom for being a single parent and having to work, things happen, but I do fault her for never showing us love and affection. I've come to realize that you don't have to shower kids with elaborate gifts, expensive vacations, etc. but if you give them love (tell them you love them), give them hugs and kisses and tell them your proud of them(not that they are mother fucking idiots and yes she used these words), that they matter(not oh what will the neighbors think), its amazing how they can turn out.
I'm not asking anyone for pity or sorrow, I guess in reality what happened to me as a kid made me determined to not do that to any child in my life. Granted it also made me frightened to have children of my own for fear of being like my mother and that fear was so great I never had children.
My mom was the kind of person that never told us she loved us, could only see the bad in what we did, never the good, never encouraged us to reach higher or achieve more. Many times, so she could have a life without kids, we were sent to live with relatives over the summers. Hell one year we were literally sent away for an entire year to live with an uncle, this was during my sophmore yr in high school. She likes to tell us its because she was sick and I've told her many times I will NEVER believe that story until she can provide me some sort of proof of some illness she was battling. I was 15 yrs old and certainly old enough and mature enough at the time to handle whatever she could have told me she was dealing with. Needless to say I've never seen any proof of said illness and I've asked my uncle that we lived with and don't get straight answers either. I'm now 40 yrs old I think I can handle whatever it may have been when I was 15.
I don't hate my uncle for any of this because in hindsight it was the first time in my life I was able to be a 15 yr old and not be a mother to two younger brothers. I can see that now but when I was taken from my friends in Indiana and moved to Maryland for a year, a new high school and all, it wasn't as easy to see. but eventually I made friends and got to actually go out and do things, like footballs games, bowling, movies, spend the night at friends houses - mostly things I never got to do before or had my siblings in tow.. Said uncle has since passed away, August of 2005 and sadly I never told him how thankful and grateful I was for what he did for my brothers and I that year.
I don't hate my mother but I don't necessarily love her like I should either and I know I must learn to forgive but it too will take some time. But I have learned I need to also spend this year working on getting me right, I have to learn who I REALLY am, what I really like to do, what makes me happy.. I've spent so much of my 40 yrs controlling people and things around me that I don't know WHO I AM. My lack of trust has even spread to God.. I am afraid to trust God, the one person I should be able to trust.. but I guess having always felt that sense of abandonment it has made me fearful of putting to much into anyone or anything.
This will certainly be an interesting journey for me emotionally this year as well as physically with my goals I'd like to achieve and to be honest I have no idea where I will end up once its all said and done. I do believe however I will be a much stronger, both mentally and physically, person when the REAL KIM emerges on the other side.
I was seeing a therapist in Delaware, working on some issues that have plaqued me all my life and when she suggested a book called Codependent No More - How to stop controlling others and start caring for yourself - I kinda looked at her funny. I said I don't live with an alcoholic or drug addict.. So anyhow I got the book at her suggestion and began reading it. I was shocked to be reading about ME in those pages, it was down right eerie. Well needless to say the book and the therapist were hitting a bit to close to home and I stopped reading the book and seeing her.
Recently though I've been in a lot of emotional pain and thought about that book again and dug it out and I've began to read it once again. While I'm sure to some degree we are ALL codependent - when it gets to a point you don't take care of you any longer because you are so wrapped up in someone/something else, it becomes a problem. There are about 8 1/2 pages of characteristics of codependency and to some degree I fit every single fucking one of them. The activity asks you to re-read thru the list and put a 0 next to those characteristics that are NEVER a problem for you, 1 next to those that are sometimes a problem and a 2 next to those that are always a problem for you.. Well out of 8 1/2 pages of single bulleted characteristics I have about 90% #2's, 9% #1's and maybe just maybe 1% are ZEROS.
I guess these tendancies started for me at a very young age. I always felt I was the mother to my two younger brothers. I don't fault my mom for being a single parent and having to work, things happen, but I do fault her for never showing us love and affection. I've come to realize that you don't have to shower kids with elaborate gifts, expensive vacations, etc. but if you give them love (tell them you love them), give them hugs and kisses and tell them your proud of them(not that they are mother fucking idiots and yes she used these words), that they matter(not oh what will the neighbors think), its amazing how they can turn out.
I'm not asking anyone for pity or sorrow, I guess in reality what happened to me as a kid made me determined to not do that to any child in my life. Granted it also made me frightened to have children of my own for fear of being like my mother and that fear was so great I never had children.
My mom was the kind of person that never told us she loved us, could only see the bad in what we did, never the good, never encouraged us to reach higher or achieve more. Many times, so she could have a life without kids, we were sent to live with relatives over the summers. Hell one year we were literally sent away for an entire year to live with an uncle, this was during my sophmore yr in high school. She likes to tell us its because she was sick and I've told her many times I will NEVER believe that story until she can provide me some sort of proof of some illness she was battling. I was 15 yrs old and certainly old enough and mature enough at the time to handle whatever she could have told me she was dealing with. Needless to say I've never seen any proof of said illness and I've asked my uncle that we lived with and don't get straight answers either. I'm now 40 yrs old I think I can handle whatever it may have been when I was 15.
I don't hate my uncle for any of this because in hindsight it was the first time in my life I was able to be a 15 yr old and not be a mother to two younger brothers. I can see that now but when I was taken from my friends in Indiana and moved to Maryland for a year, a new high school and all, it wasn't as easy to see. but eventually I made friends and got to actually go out and do things, like footballs games, bowling, movies, spend the night at friends houses - mostly things I never got to do before or had my siblings in tow.. Said uncle has since passed away, August of 2005 and sadly I never told him how thankful and grateful I was for what he did for my brothers and I that year.
I don't hate my mother but I don't necessarily love her like I should either and I know I must learn to forgive but it too will take some time. But I have learned I need to also spend this year working on getting me right, I have to learn who I REALLY am, what I really like to do, what makes me happy.. I've spent so much of my 40 yrs controlling people and things around me that I don't know WHO I AM. My lack of trust has even spread to God.. I am afraid to trust God, the one person I should be able to trust.. but I guess having always felt that sense of abandonment it has made me fearful of putting to much into anyone or anything.
This will certainly be an interesting journey for me emotionally this year as well as physically with my goals I'd like to achieve and to be honest I have no idea where I will end up once its all said and done. I do believe however I will be a much stronger, both mentally and physically, person when the REAL KIM emerges on the other side.
OK so I'm NOT perfect
I mean that in a funny way actually! Thanks to those (lisa, amber, KT, Sarah) that have responded that they missed my posting.. Been dealing with some STUFF (Thanks KT) and coming to some realizations about some issues that have LONG effected me that I HAVE to come to terms with because I DESERVE it in my life!
So anyhow went to chiro yesterday to deal with this nagging (toothache like) pain in my right hip and some issues in the right shoulder area (twd back) well talk about a very thorough DR.. I was there 2 hrs. Anyhow she is a runner and a trialthlete so that is WHY I chose her. I wanted a DR that walked the walk and not someone that was just going to say well stop running stop lifting weights UNLESS that is truly what I need to do to heal myself.
Well it turns out my right side is 1/2 inch shorter than my left. She had me standing there in bare feet looking at me at ground level from knees down. Then she found my hip sockets, then got out her tape measure to confirm what she thought. From my right hip to my ankle is 1/2 inch shorter than my left so its no wonder, she said, that I am experiencing this pain. I told her earlier this summer I had strained a piriformis muscle and had it worked on by a different chiro (not a sports person hence the change) and this new doc said this discrepancy in my length is quite possibly the reason I stained that muscle in the first place. She checked my flexibility and boy is the right SO much tighter than the left. Plus I am a tad flat footed, not terribly so but flat footed (that I pretty much knew) - so we did some deep massage of the area, after she applied some heat to loosen it up. This was not a AHHHH kinda massage, it was deep and a bit painful, then she put the electrody things on me, with an ice pack. Then she showed me some stretches to do for my right side specifically for now.
As far as the shoulder/neck area... I have something she called TOS (thoracic outlet syndrome) the nerves from the neck/shoulder that go into the right arm area are getting pinched off when my arm is in certain positions causing the numbness in my entire right arm down to my hand. Here's a definition from the internet **The simple definition of thoracic outlet syndrome is neurovascular symptoms in the upper extremities due to pressure on the nerves and vessels in the thoracic outlet area. The specific structures compressed are usually the nerves of the branchial plexus and occasionally the subclavian artery or subclavian vein.**
BUT in a nutshell she did not tell me I had to stop running or lifting weights.. She did suggest I don't do anything behind the head/neck with weights such as two handed dumbell tricep extensions, try to lay off shoulder presses or military press or at least lighten the load.. She put a small little lift in my right shoe and said give this a try and I have to see her again twice next week and then she said probably once the following week then we will evaluate from there.
A totally cool doc.. She actually gave a mini lecture at our 5K training class regarding shoes and such, so that is how I found out about her and knew she herself was an athlete. I find it funny though, I've seen two Chiro's in my life and they were both the tiniest things. I'm sure when she begins to adjust me next week I will feel like i"m falling off the table.
So anyhow went to chiro yesterday to deal with this nagging (toothache like) pain in my right hip and some issues in the right shoulder area (twd back) well talk about a very thorough DR.. I was there 2 hrs. Anyhow she is a runner and a trialthlete so that is WHY I chose her. I wanted a DR that walked the walk and not someone that was just going to say well stop running stop lifting weights UNLESS that is truly what I need to do to heal myself.
Well it turns out my right side is 1/2 inch shorter than my left. She had me standing there in bare feet looking at me at ground level from knees down. Then she found my hip sockets, then got out her tape measure to confirm what she thought. From my right hip to my ankle is 1/2 inch shorter than my left so its no wonder, she said, that I am experiencing this pain. I told her earlier this summer I had strained a piriformis muscle and had it worked on by a different chiro (not a sports person hence the change) and this new doc said this discrepancy in my length is quite possibly the reason I stained that muscle in the first place. She checked my flexibility and boy is the right SO much tighter than the left. Plus I am a tad flat footed, not terribly so but flat footed (that I pretty much knew) - so we did some deep massage of the area, after she applied some heat to loosen it up. This was not a AHHHH kinda massage, it was deep and a bit painful, then she put the electrody things on me, with an ice pack. Then she showed me some stretches to do for my right side specifically for now.
As far as the shoulder/neck area... I have something she called TOS (thoracic outlet syndrome) the nerves from the neck/shoulder that go into the right arm area are getting pinched off when my arm is in certain positions causing the numbness in my entire right arm down to my hand. Here's a definition from the internet **The simple definition of thoracic outlet syndrome is neurovascular symptoms in the upper extremities due to pressure on the nerves and vessels in the thoracic outlet area. The specific structures compressed are usually the nerves of the branchial plexus and occasionally the subclavian artery or subclavian vein.**
BUT in a nutshell she did not tell me I had to stop running or lifting weights.. She did suggest I don't do anything behind the head/neck with weights such as two handed dumbell tricep extensions, try to lay off shoulder presses or military press or at least lighten the load.. She put a small little lift in my right shoe and said give this a try and I have to see her again twice next week and then she said probably once the following week then we will evaluate from there.
A totally cool doc.. She actually gave a mini lecture at our 5K training class regarding shoes and such, so that is how I found out about her and knew she herself was an athlete. I find it funny though, I've seen two Chiro's in my life and they were both the tiniest things. I'm sure when she begins to adjust me next week I will feel like i"m falling off the table.
