After the 'family' vacation to the East Coast I've been reconsidering a LOT of things in my life. Is there really someone for everyone? This was a response to a question I was asked... is it really ME or have i just not yet met the ONE for me?
I am sure the Delaware world is different then when I left it on May 1, 2004. And I miss my time with Debbie. I truly enjoy having friends I can be with and we don' have to be doing anything at all. Hell Sunday after riding Erin and I sat out on the side porch, she had her laptop I had mine, she is doing her thing I'm doing mine, yet we are still able to carry on a conversation with each other and enjoy each others company. I like friends I can be with and silence is ok or we don't feel the need to have to entertain each other - but when we do go out to be entertained we enjoy that as well.
Well for right now I am not escaping to DE. I have made a promise to myself and Coach Dave that I just won't run away again... now that does not mean I will continue to live where I am, it just means I need to figure some things out before I consider going back east.
I am so well aware that EYE am the issue. I like my way and its my way or the highway and I get pissed when things aren't as I need them to be. I get bored easy, bored in my jobs, bored in my relationships - probably the reason they change so frequently - and I have had issues admitting I am the problem so I look for things to be wrong - well no more I am the problem and continuation like this isn't fixing things.
I get in a relationship or meet someone and since I have no fucking clue who EYE am or what I like to do, or want to do or whatever... i just don't know who KIM is - so I get all involved in someone else's life and its ok for a while, keeps me occupied, allows me to not think about my problems that I'm not ready to solve and its fun at first.... then reality sets in and I find I'm trying to change someone to be what I need them to be and they can't be that person because even I have no clue who or what that is.
And maybe the reality is I am not cut out for long term relationships? Its possible, not everyone was meant to be with someone.. or maybe I'm just someone that while she wants that whole fairy tale thing cause it looks good and that's what society expects, really doesn't want it and likes to be alone with occasional booty calls and visits and adventures with friends, but deep down prefers to be alone?
I just don't freakin' know and I only feel I am hurting me and you in the process as it is now.
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And someday I just might understand the reasons!
1 comment:
Wow! We are so much alike! I;ve been wondering the same ting in regards to my life as well. Maybe I'm supposed to be alone? Who knows? I also jump right into someone else's life and then regret losing myself. Maybe the trick is to find out who WE are and what WE want and then find someone that accepts us for who we are and let's us be that person.
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