Time for a change

I decided it was time to change the name of my blog. I really do believe everything in life, good, bad, somewhere in between, all those things happen for a reason. It pisses me off that sometimes I don't understand the reason right away, sometimes I may never understand the reason, but all things in life that happen to us, create the person that is YOU.

Many days I don't like ME, but I am learning to correct that(and its a damn slow process). I think deep down I am a good, kind, caring, beautiful person, but I was told different for so long, its hard to believe otherwise. Its amazing how screwed up a parent can make a child. Somedays I wish my mother just would have beat me, rather than beat and verbal abuse me. At least to me the physical abuse goes away when the pain subsides, but verbal abuse, cuts me to the core. BUT, I have decided to go back to therapy.

I can't say I necessarily understand all of my counselor's methods. Sometimes they make sense other times I just don't get it. He feels that we all have others inside our head; voices of our mother/father, our small child, our teenager/young adult and our adult, ok I can buy that to some extent I guess. Then he goes on to say we also have within us a lover, a warrior, a wizard and a medicine animal (I think) anyhow you have to learn when an issue is bothering you WHO is it bothering? The child, the teenager, or the adult, then who can you call on to help with the situation, your wizard, your lover, etc.... kind of a weird concept and sometimes it makes sense others.... well.....not so sure.

However, Kevin is doing his best to make me understand these concepts. Sometimes to his own detrement because I get frustrated, don't want to talk about it and just want to crawl inside myself. But he pushes till he gets an answer.

That's always been my way, crawl inside myself, don't let anyone in, keep everyone and everything at bay, to avoid getting hurt. Somehow Kevin finds a way around this and inside, like a magic freaking key or something. Not that I don't get pissed and sometimes just want tell him to go away, leave me alone, your getting to close.

Occasionally we see Rich the counselor together, other times seperate. I thought it strange at first, I mean we aren't even married, not having any problems, but perhaps seeing this counselor together sometimes will eleviate those 'problems' from every happening. I sometimes laugh at Kevin's concept of rabbits and elephants, but it makes sense. First communication (and admittedly I suck at it) is the key, there are nice ways to tell someone even something that isn't so pleasant. But a rabbit is a small problem and it becomes an elephant when we don't address it. And you can stuff a lot of rabbits in a closet but that closet can only hold so many elephants for so long before the door comes off the hinges.

I think I have a lot of elephants and they are close to breaking off the hinges of my 'door' and I am trying hard to learn to deal with them and remember that EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON!