Well tomorrow would have been my ex's 49th birthday, but his death on Oct 20th kind of negates all that. Its sad really, Michael was a wonderful, kind, caring and giving soul and knowing he has two loser brothers that are still here just kind of makes me wonder - but God has different ideas then I do.
Mike and I remained friends after our divorce, we'd chat via phone and/or email at least once a month. A lot of things went into our seperation and subsequent divorce and I was as guilty as he, maybe more so on different levels. He only wanted the best for me and wanted me to be happy and well... I wasn't sure what that meant for me, and reality is, I still don't. I've been thinking about our life together and how I wish I had said some things that I didn't and now will never get the chance. I constantly wonder, if I had stayed, could I have stopped the drinking and other things he was doing? Would my staying have meant he did less of them then he was in the end? Would my staying have meant he might have started to take better care of himself?
I just wish I had one more day, just one day to say the things to him that I've never had the courage to say - but life doesn't work like that. Tomorrow will certainly be a difficult day.... I will have to make a point to call his friend Gary too. Gary and Mike had been best of buddies since they were 17, sadly Gary was the one to find Michael dead and I know being without his best friend, even though they fought from time to time, has been very hard for Gary.
Michael I hope you know you are missed, but I also like to think God had reasons for needing you more then we did.
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And someday I just might understand the reasons!
1 comment:
Thinking of you, Hun. Never second guess things. Nothing you could have done or said would have changed Mike's passing. Do you think God makes mistakes? No, of course not. Mike would have left this world whether you were there or not. It was his time. If he doesn't know them already, you'll have the chance someday to tell him the things you wish you had. Love you, babe.
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