Another catch up...

Lots to catch up on where do I start? Guess we can start were I left off eh? Well my last post about what was going on was in Feb... so we can start from there. George and I decided that our living together was not working out, we gave it a shot but we just didn't mesh being in the same house. I like things a certain way, as does he, does not make one persons way right or wrong, the two just didn't work under the same roof.

Thought maybe things would be better between us when I moved out but they were not, so, hopefully, at the very least, we can remain friends. Hard to say. I know right now any time I say anything about the kids he feels I am dissing him and his job as a parent. I know I am NOT a parent but I don't think in the parent handbook it ever said things would be easy, that your kids would like everything about you or love everything you make them do.. I do know that you can not be the custodial full time parent and parent with the weekend parent mentality just because you don't want you kids to hate you. Its not that they hate YOU rather the decision you made for them and yes sometimes that decision has to be no phone, no TV, no internet until grades are brought up or rooms picked up...

sadly, even though he thinks different, I really and truly only want the best for both Caitlin and Colin. I see so much potential but I'm afraid that potential could be over looked because someone might not give them a 2nd chance because of grades - he likes to comment on how our trainer, who is a VERY smart and bright woman, can be perceived by others as being just a dumb bodybuilder because she is not the worlds greatest speller and yes that is very true, but how do you think others are going to perceive your own children when they look at grades and such when its time for them to hit the work world or become (hopefully) college bound? Or what freshman teacher or 8th grade teacher this coming year might not even give them a 2nd thought because of their grades? Well I can't chance it, I can only keep them in my prayers that they will do better and before its too late.

So I moved into my apartment in March, with Georges help both physically and financially. I haven't done a lot to it, pictures on the wall, that type of stuff, cause well I've been broke and I was pretty in the thick of training for the competition and it was gym, work, gym, home, plus it was the height of tax season at the Schreiber Group too... Funny I thought previously there would be NO way I could prepare for a competition during tax season, but it wound up just the opposite... It forced me to focus and keep a tight schedule so I could get it all in.

Competition day came OHGOSH it was such a fab. day. I gained so much working with Jennifer Abrams. I know I've said it before but I've got to say it again, this lady knows her shit.. She trains the entire person. She just does not spit out eat this, lift that, do this, don't do that... Nope she learns who YOU are, what motivates YOU and what motivates one may not another, but she learns this about every single client and gears the training with them based on those parameters. She KNEW instinctively what I needed and when, both mentally and physically, its amazing, she is amazing! If I could change one thing about Jen.....it would be her lack of ability to be on time...while for me, when she was 20 minutes late to a training session it didn't matter, I got my full hour with her and I didn't have to be anywhere else on Thursdays, it might put someone else off and I'd hate for anyone to miss out on her great skills as a personal trainer because she can't be on time... Not everyone will have nothing planned for the rest of their day and lets face it being on time it just being respectful of someone else's time.. We are ALL late on occasion, Jen is 99% of the time late, but she is juggling lots of stuff too... Like I said for me, at the time, no big deal.

I was a smidge depressed after the competition. I mean there is all this build up to this one day and BAM it comes, it goes so fast, then the next day there is nothing. Kinda like a wedding, or Christmas day for me. But I managed to keep it in check this time, I have NOT gained 50 pounds. I seem to be holding steady at 5 to 10 pounds above show day and that is quite respectable. NO bodybuilder looks like they do day in and day out as they do on show day. You are so dehydrated that one day, carb depleted, mostly eating protein, that once your body gets back some water and you have your treats you've been abstaining from, the body holds it fast thinking OMgosh I might never get this again... you can literally be up, scale weight, 10-20 pounds within a day or so afterwards... most of its water weight. But as long as mentally you know that and you don't go on all out binges for days/weeks on end, you can keep the whole thing in check.

Now on the work front... well I've realized that I must get back to full time income. Went part time when George and I were living together, this allowed me to help with kids and unknown to us at the time would allow me to help with getting Colin to the learning center everyday. I knew at the time when I went p/t there was NO guarantee my boss could take me back on full time if my situation changed. Well my situation changed, she does not have full time work for me, so onto other options. First Andrea did NOT want to lose me to another job, which makes me feel good, makes me know I am a good employee, so she had some clients that don't want to pay her fees to do stuff for them once a week or every other week, so Andrea helped me set up my own bookkeeping business and I started to help her clients. Well it didn't work out as we had hoped. The one client was so slow in paying me, another is not consistent with when he needs me, and another is so freaking busy he has yet to have time to sit down with me to show me just what he needs - well I need steady and definite income right now and so begins the job search...

I spent weeks updating my resume, combing the on line ads for postings, sending out resumes via mail, fax or email, waiting for responses, filling out on line applications, going on interviews.. I mean I'm sure you all know the process and IT can be a full time job by itself.. So finally after a few weeks of this madness, I got a job with the Addison School District, I will be the (well not sure of my exact title) direct assistant to the Assistant superintendent of Business. I think this will be a great opportunity. My new boss is in charge of the business ($$) affairs for the school, she is the treasurer, as well as in charge of the complete renovation the district is going thru, she seems like a busy lady who was very up front in the interview in saying I need someone that can anticipate what I need, that can deal with me coming thru for an hour between meetings saying I need this that and the other, that can be organized as she admitted she is not.... I think I can fit this bill. Oh sure you have to get to know someone for a bit before you can anticipate their needs but I pick up on things pretty quickly. So anyhow I start there on the 19th. My current boss Andrea was almost in tears when I told her, but she also understands this is what I have to do and she has asked me to keep my keys to the office and if they get swamped she has asked if I'd come by at night or on the weekends to help out, well of course I will! And I will help in the evenings during tax season, it will be extra money and hopefully a way I can pay back George for some of his help.

Well speaking of catching up, I have some much needed catch up to do at the Laundromat... yes I know what fun, your so jealous of me right now aren't ya????

Forgot to say

You can view the individual routine I did for the show at this website.

www.pradelproductions.com
click enter
find link for Grand Prix 2006 posing routines
then look for my name when you click on it, it will download and play on windows media player - the speed of the download depends on your internet connection.

Me before heading to evening judging

The Way I See It

While grocery shopping this morning, I stopped and got a hot chocolate at Starbucks. The have these (sometimes) interesting sayings/quotes on their cups and what was on my cup today is worth sharing.

Quoted by Tiana Tozer 92 paralympic silver and 96 bronze medalist in women's wheelchair basketball.
"They told you that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. What they failed to tell you is that it is best seen with the eyes closed. What you look like isn't important. What is important is who you are INSIDE and the choices you are making in your life."

I think that is #1 beautiful and #2 so true. As terrible as it sounds, I've often said I wish God had made all of us without sight. WHY? Well because then we would learn to know people by how they treat us. We wouldn't be turned off or never even give that person a chance to be a part of our lives because they dressed different, or were not blessed with the gift of beauty or were in a wheel chair, or whatever.

I am just as guilty as the next human in the fact that you see someone who is 'different' in dress, hair style, looks, whatever and you don't even give that person a chance. When in reality they could have turned out to be your best friend, lover or mate, if only we could look beyond the outer shell.

While I too would miss the beauty that God has provided in nature if indeed He made us without sight.... I wonder how many more wonderful people could be or could have been a part of my life, if I had not judge them FIRST by outer appearance?

WOW time flies

Just wanted to pop in quickly and let everyone know I'm still alive... ALOT has changed since my last post and I promise now that life is somewhat back to normal, I will update with photos and such. Seeing as how the last photos posted were when I was 14 wks out I guess I do have some catch up to do.

The day of the show, Saturday May 6th, was a SPECTACULAR day. I had a great trainer guide me along the way and it made this experience the 2nd time totally different. While my first competition in Nov 2004 was a great experience, this one topped it 1000 fold.

I will leave for now with a picture of TEAM ABRAMS from the day of the competition!

From left to right - ME, Carlos, John, Jen, Cordula, and down front is our awesome coach Jennifer Abrams.

Back Training Today

Today was my training day w/Jen.. We worked back... Unfortunately we didn't get in any posing. She got a call that her daughter was sick and she had to pick her up from school. I've often wondered how she gets everything done she does, training I don't know how many clients, a mom to two beautiful kids, a wife to a very active hubby, and getting ready to go for her PRO card in July at Team Universe.. I guess its all in the planning - something I need to work on..

However the other day she sent me a schedule of our next 14 wks of training, so that helps me to plan my other days and muscle groups from now till the competition.

I don't keep track of me poundages when I work out with Jen.. I just go with whatever she hands me or sets the machine at... but we did seated rows, wide grip pull downs, dumbell rows, two at a time and independantly and also standing straight arm lat pull downs, I guess you'd call them. I have to focus on NOT using my traps.. She is constantly having to correct my sets as I naturally want to pull up in the traps... NOT GOOD since they will develop naturally with all the other exercises. So we lightened the load a few times hoping that would take the traps out of the equation, but it still has to be a concious effort on my part and I just don't realize I'm doing it to be honest..

I finished off with some back extensions after she left. then hit the elliptical, the one with the arms that move back and forth for 45 minutes, then wolfed down my protein shake and headed for home.. Tried to nap but couldn't fall asleep, so I said what the hell and went to the gym and did 30 minutes on the recumbant stationary bike - man what is it about that thing that really works them quads?

Tomorrow the kids go to Texas for the weekend to see their mom. Luckily she works for ATA so flights are free, they fly non-revenue but when its not peak holiday time there generally aren't any issues with them not getting a seat. So George and I will get a nice adult weekend to ourselves.

Heading to dinner Saturday night with some friends but so far that is the only planned thing. Frankly I don't care if the rest of our weekend is spent at the gym or in our PJ's watching Fraiser reruns! Its been a while since we've had some him and me alone time, or at least alone time where we didn't have to worry that the kids could be dropped off at any moment..

So break out the adult toys ;o)

Posing Practice 1/26/06 - 14 wks/2days out.

All pictures courtesy of Jennifer Abrams - www.jenniferabrams.net - if you live in Midwest and need a kick ass trainer, she is your gal. Posing is exhausting and she must have snapped a picture of me grabbing a drink.
14 wks out Right Side Tricep
14 wks out Rear Lat Spread - I have to get rid of that shift in my hips.
14 wks out Rear Double Bicep and that hip shift again makes you look wider than you are in that area, not good, gotta work on that.
Overhead Abs - as body leans down over next 14 wks the ABS will show more - never having had children I don't have some of the issues with abs others do, but then again Jen has had 2 children and that gal has ABS you can do your laundry on! Washboard for sure!
I like this shot the best - #1 I like the side chest shot and #2 this is the smile I must portray to the judges on May 6th - its not easy to remember to smile with every muscle in your body being flexed tight and held till they say RELAX... and relax is never REALLY relaxed, gotta stay tight on stage.
Front lat Spread - might show more when I start doing practice posing in my bathing suit.
Front Double Bicep

One's Roots

Catching up on a lot of the blogs I like to read and after reading Turtle Guy's post about being adopted, it really got me thinking. I know I'm not adopted but I also have NO IDEA who my father is and I guess this has really left me feeling empty for a long time..

I was the oldest of 3, there were more but my mother miscarried a set of twins and two other children, I think, at least that is the story she tells. I went along my life thinking Don and Noel were my brothers, same mom, same dad. However I did come to find out different one day.

I don't recall how I found my birth certificate. I'm sure I was being the nosey somebody that I am. but I was somewhere between 12 - 14 yrs old when I discovered that I was not who I thought I was.

I had been registered in school and had always gone by the last name of Hancock. how that happened I have no idea, I can only speculate that at the time I was registered for school you did not have to show a birth certificate, again just speculation on my part. But upon finding my birth certificate I saw the name of Kimberly Rae Hampton. Thinking this had to be someone else but the date of birth was the same as mine and the mother listed was my mother, but the person listed as the father was someone I had NEVER heard of or known in my life. To the best of my knowledge and all I knew was Donald Cecil Hancock was my father, even though they had divorced when I was about 8 yrs old maybe. I was shocked and felt very lost, I already didn't have a great relationship with my mother, now to find this..

Well I'm sure what I was told when I confronted her was not the truth, hell I know its not the truth but its all I had to go on. I was told that she got pregnant by this man John Hampton, they married when she was about 6 months pregnant with me. However he was an alcoholic and he beat her, so she divorced him when I was about 6 months old. Again I don't know this man so I can't say if he was those things or not.

So the only 'father' I ever knew was Donald Cecil Hancock. You would have NEVER known I was not his natural daughter, because I was spoiled rotten by this man. I do recall I wanted for nothing and I mean nothing. If it was in his power, I got it. If we drove by a McDonalds, regardless of the fact I had just eaten, if I said I wanted a hamburger, he stopped and got it for me. We had 'our' time when he and I would put together puzzles, we had our own special card table for it and my brother Don (who is 2 yrs younger) was not allowed to help, this was my time with my daddy. My brother had his time too with his dad, but I was a spoiled rotten daddy's girl. I went everywhere with him. And even the time he ran into some friends house for a few moments and left me in the car and I decided to put the car in neutral and it rolled down the hill and into a tree (I was not hurt but the car was) I was never punished. I hated my mother when she divorced him.

I know they fought a lot. And now that I am older I also know he was not the best husband. But I can assure you my mother was not the best wife either. He was a player, he liked women. I'm not sure if he needed another woman in his life because he was not getting what he needed from my mother, be it mentally or physically, but he did have affairs. But I didn't know that as a child. Even after they divorced I still had no idea I was not his natural daughter. We were allowed to spend weekends with him and such and I looked forward to those times. However there came a time when my mother forbid us to see him anymore. I still don't know why. I think he stopped paying her child support and that was the root of it. Her way to say well I'll show him kinda thing, I don't know...

I recall one time at my grandmothers house, her and my mom were going thru some old photos and my grandmother wanted to show me some pictures but my mother snatched them from her and said I was not ready for that yet. Many years later I later came to find out that those were pictures of my mother with the man listed on my birth certificate as my father.

I say the man listed on my birth certificate because I honestly don't think even he is my natural father. After I had found my birth certifcate and realized that I was only a 1/2 sister to my brothers (same mom, different dads) I recall having a conversation with my grandmother about having found out that Don Hancock was not my dad. My grandmother said well its about time you found out. I said yes now if I could just find this John Hampton person, she said why would you want to find him, he isn't your dad? Well I'm sure the look on my face made her realize she just opened another can of worms by accident. She proceeds to tell me that this man is also not my father, that my mother met him when she was already pregnant with me and they married when she was about 6 months along. Then she pulled out some photos of my mother with this man John Hampton and it was obvious to me (I was now 16 or 17 at the time) that genetically there wasn't any way I was an offspring of the man in this photo. this man was dark skinned, I'd say of cherokee Indian or latin decent, that dark olive colored complexion and his hair was jet black. I'd say the odds of the dominant male gene he had producing someone like me with fair skin, red hair and freckles was very very slim.. Impossible no but very very slim.. couple that with the cat my grandmother just let out of the bag and I'm pretty safe in saying John Hampton is not/was not my natural father but rather a name on a birth certificate.

I have confronted my mother with this, recently and at the time it came up many moons ago and of course I'm told that is my grandmother telling me stories. Well I'm more likely to believe my grandmother. However she is no longer around to ask.

I guess in the end this leaves me feeling very lost. Like I don't know who the other part of me is. I mean I don't have a great relationship with my mother, so its hard when you don't know who your father is either. I don't want anything from this person but to know where I came from really. To know if I have any other 1/2 siblings out there, family/grandparents, aunts uncles, cousins etc I don't know?

The only 'father' I ever knew has since passed away but I can recall him calling me one night out of the blue.. I mean it had been AGES since I had ever seen him and I guess he was sick and dying and contacted my brother (his natural son) and my brother gave him my number. I remember that call like it was yesterday. I don't normally answer calls when the ID comes up unknown or unavailable, its always a sales call, but this one time I did because it was like 10:30 at night and I was ready to reem a new asshole to some marketer making a call at this hour. and when the person on the other end said is Kim there, I immediately knew the voice, he said this is Don Hancock, your.... and he trailed off and I finished it for him I said my dad. We talked for a while and I told him I now knew he was not my daddy but in my heart would always be my daddy, I think or at least I hope that made him feel better. But even he could not answer my questions about who my true and natural sperm donor was. I guess in reality that is all that person was, a sperm donor... I hate to feel like that because maybe he too wanted to know who I am/was but my mother wouldn't let that happen...

so I go thru life not dwelling on it but at certain times I think about it. I don't even have ANY clue as to where I could begin to find the truth because my mother is of no help. Even if John Hampton is not my father, I'd love to find him and maybe he would have answers for me, but she isn't of any help in supplying me with any information there either... another reason I guess I can't believe her story that he is my dad. And a name like John Hampton is so common it would take me forever to find the right one.

I guess reading Turtle Guys post about adoption made me think about all this today... however I'm happy for Turtle Guy in that it seems his adoptive parents gave him a very nice life, I wish I could feel that way about mine growing up..

Comparison shots

14 wks out Nov 2005 14 wks out May 2006


14 wks out Nov 2005 14 wks out May 2006

Posing Shots 14 wks out from Nov 2005 Show

These are not from today. They are actually when I was 14 wks out from competing in November of 2005. Life got in the way and I never did that show, but I thought it might be interesting to see how they compare to the shots we took today, since I am almost EXACTLY at the same point, 14 wks out.

Once I get today's shots I will see if I can once again figure out the posting.. But left to right you have side chest, rear lat spread and rear double bicep.. you can see in rear dbl bicep the shinyness of my skin from the sweating I was doing at that point..

In my meeting with Jen today, neither of us realized I was at the exact same time spot of 14 wks out but she said today when she saw me that I looked leaner then at this same stage last time..

Legs today with Jen

She kills me but in a good way and after all I suggested we work legs. They are my worst area. I know once I continue to strip away the bodyfat, the upper body's muscularity will shine thru but the legs... well they are gonna take some concentrated effort.

Squats - 1 x 15 x 95, 1 x 15 x 115 and 1 x 15 x 135
Dead Lifts - 1 x 15 x 85 and 1 x 15 x 95
Smith Machine Lunges - 1 x 15 x ??
Free Standing Leg Up Lunges - 1 x 15 x 20
Seated Leg Extensions - 1 x 10 x 60 and 1 x 10 x 60 but varied toes in, toes out, and straight up
Seated Leg Extensions - 1 x 10 x 30 these were single leg at a time so 10 w/right and 10 w/left
Hamstring Curls - 2 x 15 x 40

I think that last set of squats might have only been 12 I was dying and lost count. It was a bit to heavy for me to go ass to the grass on that last set and when you start to wobble side to side. i have no problem w/dead lifts other than my damn grip gives out on me. ?? on the weight for SM Lunges since I have no idea what the bar weighs but I had 2-10's on each side, so plate weight was 40 total. The other lunges she had me take two 10's plates, one in each hand, step back, then lunge down, but when your bringing that back leg forward, you pull it up so you knee is at 90 degrees now in front of you and your standing on one leg, with it slightly bent to hit ham and some quad.. My ASS was burning from these. then onto the pain of the Leg Ext and Ham Curls. but oh evil one was not done with me yet... no sir...

We headed down to the locker room, out comes the camera and we practiced posing. If you have ever been to a bodybuilding competition there are madatory poses you go thru on stage with everyone in your class (classes are diffrent with each show) - well posing is a workout all of its own. The basics are front double bicep, side chest, front lat spread, rear lat spread, rear double bicep, side tricep, and hands overhead abdominals (guys also get this whacky pose called a crab most muscular thankfully in most shows women don't have to do this one) - well with each pose you must hit it, and hold it and at the same time your flexing every single muscle in your body and then you have to smile pretty for the judges... egads I was working up a sweat...

Posing can make or break you as far as placement so getting started 14 wks out is not uncommon, plus you have to work up to being able to hold these poses for sometimes a minute while the judges look over everyone, so just like working up to squatting 135 pounds, holding and flexing every muscle while in a pose takes time to work up to a minute too.. I was wiped out when we finished.. but when she sends me the pictures I'll try and figure out how to post them here..

I had to come home and take a nap before I could even think about doing any cardio.. but I did go back and get in 45 minutes on the elliptical..

at 152.8 again today..

Colin and Learning Center update

Well last week was Colin's last at the Lindamood-Bell Learning Center. Thursday was his last official day and Friday was the re-test. Its been wierd this week not having to make those trips to Deerfield.

I was in tears on Friday when I dropped him off. I had to hurry and give him a smooch, wish him luck and get outta there before he saw me crying. I went around the corner, sat in my car and bawled like a baby. I wasn't quite sure what I was crying about to be honest..

Was it fear like a momma bird has when she pushes her baby out of the nest to fly for the first time, knowing he would now be on his own with the skills they have taught him?
Was it not having this time together, even though there were times we just listened to tunes and didn't really carry on a conversation?
Was it regret of not having these 4 hours a day to myself to workout or hit borders to surf the net?
Was it fear of not feeling NEEDED anymore by George and/or Colin?

I just don't know and still can't really say, maybe it was a combination of all of those things in some fashion.

I think he was a bit remorseful too.. He said as much on our way up on Friday, that he had mixed emotions. I told him that was perfectly normal. He had spent almost every single Mon - Friday afternoon from 1-5pm with these people since early November. They had become a very important part of his life and it was very understandable why he'd miss them. He would no longer have that one on one attention with his learning. He would no longer have that constant praise as that is part of their methodology, even when a child does get the answer incorrect, they don't say NO THATS NOT CORRECT, rather they say Well I understand how you could see it like that or how you could get that answer but what if you looked at it like this or how about if we attacked it like that.. its a very nuturing environment, one Colin knows he will not get going back to the public school system full time. But I think he is ready to have his 'school day' end at 3pm. At least now he can get home at 3:15 and get started on homework, rather than not getting home till after 6pm, sometimes 7, eating and then still having school work to do..

So again I told him his feelings were very normal and that he could stay in contact with them and if he wanted to, when he had holidays from school and they were open, we could go up there for a visit and stop and have some lunch too. I think he liked that idea.

However mother nature decided we needed a rough ride going home Friday night. I had already planned for Colin and I to stop for dinner. He opted for Subway at the Oasis as he thinks its cool to sit at the window seats and see all the traffic moving below you. Well it started to snow about 3pm and I was getting dejavu from the time it snowed on that thursday night and it took us 3+ hrs to get home. But this time it was a Friday and neither Colin or I had anywhere to be the next morning so if it took 10 hrs to get home it wasn't as bad as before. well once again the snow caused traffic HELL.. We got to our turnoff to get on 294 and traffic was backed up as far as the eye could see. We looked at each other and said BAIL... plan B!

We headed up lake/cook rd opting to hit 355 way home and I said know what there is an outback steak house up the way, are you up for some Outback.. so that is where we ended up having dinner. The Gods musta been looking out for me too knowing I'm doing this bootcamp. I figured I could get a decent steak but they had Mahi Mahi on the fish list that night and WOW I have not had a better piece of fish in a resturant in sometime. It was freaking awesome and cooked to perfection! sided by some crispy steamed snow peas! it was a perfect meal. colin had the pork chops w/mashed potatoes and was in heaven. I asked if he wanted dessert but nothing on dessert menu even appealed to him, so I didn't have to worry with that temptation..

The next day George took the kids and I to Dave and Busters in celebration. its a resturant with a huge game room on the back half. I mean HUGE! We thought it would be a good way for us all to celebrate together, not just Colin's finishing but to also thank Caitlin for stepping up to the plate and dealing with so much time on her own after school. We all had a great time.. well till we got home and the brownie baking thing happened or they wanted it to happen. I think we got that worked out for now...

Week Two of Bootcamp

Well the first week is over and done.. started on 1/18 and ended 1/24/06. Today begins day 1 of the 2nd week. Today I saw 152.8 on my scale.. Considering I had lived around 137 for a while in 2003/2004, today's weight seems high, but I'm happy with it, because every since my previous BB show in Nov 2004, I've only seen the upper 170's, consitant 160's and upper 150's.

The harder part of its been getting in cardio minutes. I like the weight training and the nutrition side of it I'm ok with, but I don't care for cardio and when you looking at 90 minutes a day... but I've also done this before and it didn't seem hard then. So I need to dig down and find that mentality again. When I did it before I split the cardio into two sessions. Usually 45 in the AM and another 45 in the PM. I put in a movie and went to town on my treadmill. And when I did hit the gym for cardio, I mixed it up, X minutes on this machine, X minutes on that one, etc.

so I need to grasp that same mentality again and its not forever, its only for a short time.

So week two here I come..

Bootcamp is going well so far, but granted its not even the first full week :o) I started the BC on 1/18 @ 156.4 today I am 153.6... a combination of a few things.. #1 my cycle started just prior to BC beginning and it has now ended, so that wonderful water gain we ladies tend to deal with has subsided and #2 I've gotten back into not only resistance training but cardio too and on a daily basis. With this neck and hip stuff I've been dealing with, once it started to feel a bit better I was nervous about getting back to exercising consistantly, I didn't want the pain to come back.

Well with the help of a good chiro. I can say the hip pain is gone for now.. I've gotten back to cardio, running outside and even doing leg work in the gym and as long as I do my stretches all seems fine. Oh sure the normal muscle tightness and soreness from a good workout but not the nagging aches. The shoulder/arm is getting better but I still have issues there..

I'm doing great food wise.. But when I get focused it all seems to come together. I know right now a lot of the mentality is not wanting to loose my leverage money and its not so much losing the money but where it would go and when I go to open the fridge that crossed my mind. In all honesty this BC was just the PUSH I needed to get ME rolling back to what I know how to do.

I'm not going extreme either. My calories are staying between 1200-1500, with occasional lower days, but we all have days were we are just not hungry and then other days were you could eat the dead skunk alongside the road.

As far as exercise.. on days I do weight training, which can take 30-45 minutes depends on bodypart being worked and the crowd in the gym, I add 30-45 minutes of cardio afterwards. On days without weights I do an hour of cardio. Now if I get out to run that goes longer but running outside as opposed to treadmill running is more relaxing and I can go for longer than an hour and it doesn't seem like an hour or even 30minutes on the t.mill does.

Keeping the eating clean helps with not having to do so much cardio. Other than lower body (legs) I think I tend to gain muscle at a nice pace so that helps too, since it takes more to FEED that muscle, caloriewise, then the same amount of fat. Today for a moment I thought about something sweet but I had a diet mountain dew and the moment passed.

The kids are a bit upset with me, I think.. I do tend to be an all or nothing person and the codependency makes me feel others should be the same as I am, so I am slowly learning to come to grips with all that. Previously I would have been like a nazi and not wanted any junk food type stuff in the house at all, but I am trying hard to learn to relax and while I still don't think Caitlin or Colin need the chips and cookies and such, I am buying them when we go shopping. They both are overweight for their ages and heights but I can't seem to make them see that no matter how I say it, be it gently or otherwise, so I can only pray that they won't get to the point of morbidly obese someday. Anyhow last night they wanted to make brownies and I had to say NO.. I looked at them both and pleaded, that I needed their support right now and to please NOT do that to me.. Its not the idea of brownies in the house, hell no matter of fact when I went shopping last night I got cookies, chips, and a couple of brownies from the bakery section.. Its the smell of them baking in the house right now that would kill me..

I don't know is it asking too much? Like I said I am ok with the stuff in the house, bought it at the store, but I could not handle the smell of it baking in the house. I could even go to the store and buy my favorite toll house cookies and bring them home and not want any, but if I bought the ingredients at the store and set about actually making them and having to smell them baking, that would send me over the edge.. And from previous binge sessions, I can tell ya Target makes the toll house cookies and has them prepackaged in their bakery section and they are freaking awesome.

So am I wrong in being ok with the stuff in the house but just asking that they don't bake the stuff themselves?

Abundance Mentality

An "abundance mentality" is more than having a positive mental attitude, although a positive mental attitude is very important. When you have a positive mental attitude, you look at how things can be done rather than why they can't be done. You believe that "where there's a will there's a way." You look at possibilities and opportunities rather than obstacles and problems. This mindset is important for success in any endeavor. An abundance mentality will take you beyond a positive mental attitude. It will eliminate the small thinking and offset negative energy. It can mean the difference between success and failure, excellence and mediocrity, and prosperity and despair.... People with an abundance mentality believe there are enough resources available to accomplish their goals. They also believe that their success doesn't mean failure for others. On the contrary, the more successful they are, the more others are affected in a positive way.... Abundance starts in your mind. The more you think abundantly, the more abundance you can enjoy, the more success you will enjoy. --Ray Houze

Leanness Lifestyle Bootcamp

It all starts tonight.. It will certainly be a tough 5 wks but in the end rewarding too.

We had to set up incremental financial leverages with paypal. Basically you have certain goals to hit each week and if you are missing the mark you have X amount of days to get back on track (told you this would be intense). Some members of the club that are not in bootcamp have set up leverages via paypal on there own. We had to set up 3 phases, the first phase is 2 wks and its $25 per wk, 2nd phase is 2 wks and its $50 per wk and the 3rd and final phase is 1 wk for $100 so the total sum is only $250 but when your working part time $250 is not something I can afford to lose and to have to ask George for the money would kill me even more. Your $$ is on the line the entire time and you don't get any of it back till the end of bootcamp. The money had to be set up to go to a charity, the coach does not benefit from this in an fashion. It was suggested we make it a charity we despise to make it even more painful if we lost our money.

Personally I can't think of a charity I dislike that much that would motivate me to perform as I am going to have to.. So I asked if the funds could go to an individual. I was told I could set it up this way. That works much better for me because I WILL NOT allow my money to go to this person and it would be accompanied by a note that said I failed to reach my goal and you get my money to do whatever you want with it. So we will see who reaches goals they set and who has the last laugh!

Probably motivation for ALL the wrong reasons but screw it if it gets me on my way to where I need to be that is all that matters right now to me.. I had some so called friend slap me in the face before and it gave me all the motivation to finally get the last pounds off me before and I kept them off for quite some time... over a year... then there is that horrid after a bodybuilding show entitlement mentality that happens that no one tells you about and I ate and didn't exercise for 6 months and managed to put on these 50some pounds.. I've gotten 20 off on my own so here is to the last 30! Hell how many morbidly obese people never get moving till someone they don't even know passes them in a mall and says 'mommy look at that fat lady' you hear it all the time on these discovery channel programs and such - so who cares WHY you get going or what gets you to that I've had enough point.

I start working and training with Jennifer again for the show in May! I am thrilled! We have our first session Thursday! For now we will meet once a week as the competition gets closer probably more often but for now we will meet every Thursday!

On the road again

I'm super excited! This week starts the leanness lifestyle bootcamp intensive! Plus if not this week certainly by next week I will once again be training with Jennifer Abrams.

www.jenniferabrams.net

She is going for her Pro card this summer in NY in July. She is a natural bodybuilder and this competition for her is a drug tested natural event! I'm excited for her, with all the bad press of late for pro bodybuilders and just peoples thoughts in general, the sport has gotten some bad press and I hope Jennifer is the beginning of a new era. To bring the sport back around to what it should be and not these steriod freaks you see, male and female. Its no wonder a good portion of women assume lifting any type of weight will cause you to bulk up, this is what they see in magazines so its no wonder.

Anyhow my SO George is an avid videographer, its not what he does for a living but he enjoys it. He has always wanted to do some sort of documentary type thing of a day in the life of a natural bodybuilder and what it really takes to get on stage.. Well Jennifer wants to document this journey to her Pro status - can you say PERFECT TIMING! Jen has seen the work George does when he video's the BB shows for the competitors and likes his work (he is very creative) so Jen and George will be getting together over the next several months shooting tape for the end product.

This works to my advantage because to actually have to pay for someone to do this type of work is pretty expensive. I'm sure upwards of $150 bucks an hour for a videographer, at least when George did that for a living some time ago it was that expensive then and that's been 10+ yrs. Well Jen is not independently wealthy but has offered to swap services. George video's for her, I get to train with her and then any $$ made off the end product will be worked out.

This will be an excellent project I do believe.. I think sometimes people can look at a person on stage and not realize that they actually have a life behind the scenes. They have kids that don't cooperate, that get sick, cars that break down on the way to the gym in 90+ degree heat, children that need an extra room mom at school, or a support person for their brownie troop, or a babysitter that doesn't show up when you have a photo shoot scheduled and a host of other life issues. This project will be a true story of what it takes to go from point A to point B and all the detours that happen in between.

Both Jen and George are super creative minds and this will be an awesome product when all is said and done! And the chance to workout and train with Jen again is out of this world. She is very supportive and encouraging and I am looking forward to it!

Being Techno Challenged

UGH! Last night I went out for a run. KT talks about her Garmin Forerunner her brother got her sounded like a nifty piece of equipment. I got a gift certificate to the run store for the holidays and they had them on sale so I put some of my other Chirstmas money with the GC and got one.. Ah but using it is another story!

So last night I go out for a run to play with it a bit.. and I have NO idea what the heck I did but all that got recorded were my HR and my time.. but I could not get the time display to read out while I was running only gave me the total time? then it told me I went 11 feet? never gave me mileage? I was out for 37 minutes so I know I went further than 11 feet :o)

Guess its back to the instruction manual for me!

On the path to getting back there

was looking thru some photos on the computer and found some from the BB competition I did in November of 2004 - thought I'd post it to give myself some inspiration as I go full force and head long into getting this body back for May, but only better! I wish I could have that tan look like that year round but being a fair skinned red head its just not possible. Enter the wonders of a few coats of ProTan, a few sessions of Mystic Tan and then Dream Tan the day of the show and WaLa, you get a tan redhead :o)

My time, Your time, Our Time

Maybe I'm being over sensitve but at the risk of it... In the quest to learn to take care of myself and stop controlling others, I have to learn to not let myself get stressed out about certain things.

Last night I told both the kids that dad had to leave the house at 6:30 am and I needed to be to work at 7:30 am to meet up with a client who was dropping off some papers so if they wanted me to take them to school WE HAD TO BE IN THE CAR AND PULLING OUT OF THE DRIVEWAY BY 7:20 AM. That leaves me enough time to get them to school and me to get back across town by 7:30 to meet the client. Well they weren't in the car till 7:25 which meant I was late getting to work (i open) which meant the client couldn't wait around, which meant I missed them, which now means I have to go in on Saturday to meet client and get paperwork and stay and get a years worth of stuff done, which had I gotten there on time I could have gotten the stuff done today before I had to leave.. Very small business and its basically easy input and reconcilliation but they are having an audit next week they need some stuff completed for.

First let me give you some background.. #1 we live a tad less than 2 miles from the school, 1.8 to be exact, #2 the kids are 14 and 12, #3 there is a bus that picks them up on the corner at 7:15 am. I'm sure most of us that lived that close to school had to walk, there was no bus but since a portion of the path is not sidewalked I guess the school district provides a bus.

So as it is EVERY SINGLE MORNING I start the process of knocking on their bedroom doors at 6:30ish am, telling them its time to get up and reminding them not to forget that we must be out of here in x minutes I have to get to work to meet a client. Well at their ages you'd assume they would be a bit more mature and not have to be woken up again at 6:50, then again at 7am.... I'm not kidding this is the routine every single day. Generally Colin is up but lays in that bed till the very last second when your screaming ITS TIME TO GO NOW. But Caitlin forget it, she is literally not even up and falls back asleep as soon as you start to go back about getting your own morning routine done, then of course as I did at that age and any other teenage girl she has to primp for school...

So sure enough I'm running around at 7:18 shutting the lights off and locking the house down.. Colin comes out of his room, as usual no shoes on and can't find them and says why is it so dark in here.. BECAUSE ITS 7:18 AND I TOLD YOU BOTH I HAD TO BE AT WORK ON TIME TODAY TO MEET A CLIENT... Well I just have to get my shoes on, well if you would have gotten your ass up one of the other 3 times I asked you to this morning.... So anyhow I went out to the car, its now 7:21 he stolls out, then 7:25 she stolls out and everyone is pissed at me! Well excuse the fuck out of me, not only did I tell you last night it was very important I get to work on time today, I reminded you of this a couple of times this morning..

I was always taught to be respectful of someone elses time and I guess I wouldn't be so pissed about this IF it didn't happen 99% of the time BUT IT DOES more often then it doesn't.

So I'm not sure what else to do.. I've tried to talk to George about this but he allows them to get away with this. How can you expect to learn to be on time in life when you are never taught the lessons of what happens when your not.. I honestly had half a mind to just fucking leave this morning and let their asses find a way to school, but I know the turmoil that would have caused between George and I. Because by this time they would have also missed the bus and had to walk to school.

So the only thing I can think to do now and for the future to avoid myself getting stressed about someone elses actions and lack of respect of my time, is tonight the four of us will have a discussion and I will just have to tell them since you guys can not seem to find it within yourselves to be respectful of my time and the priviledge of being taken to school when a bus IS available, then I have no choice, when your dad can not drive you to school because he has to leave the house early, then on those days you will HAVE to take the bus and if you miss it you will have to walk. Its not fair that I now have to go in on Saturday because you two made me miss a client who themselves had to get somewhere and could not wait on me.

I can't control what anyone else does but I can control how I handle it and from now on I will handle it differently. I will do what I need to do and get myself to work. 99% of the time it would not matter if I wasn't there at exactly 7:30 but today it was and 99% of the time I wouldn't care but today I did.

Just curious how would any of you handle the situation... HONESTLY!