I decided it was time to change the name of my blog. I really do believe everything in life, good, bad, somewhere in between, all those things happen for a reason. It pisses me off that sometimes I don't understand the reason right away, sometimes I may never understand the reason, but all things in life that happen to us, create the person that is YOU.
Many days I don't like ME, but I am learning to correct that(and its a damn slow process). I think deep down I am a good, kind, caring, beautiful person, but I was told different for so long, its hard to believe otherwise. Its amazing how screwed up a parent can make a child. Somedays I wish my mother just would have beat me, rather than beat and verbal abuse me. At least to me the physical abuse goes away when the pain subsides, but verbal abuse, cuts me to the core. BUT, I have decided to go back to therapy.
I can't say I necessarily understand all of my counselor's methods. Sometimes they make sense other times I just don't get it. He feels that we all have others inside our head; voices of our mother/father, our small child, our teenager/young adult and our adult, ok I can buy that to some extent I guess. Then he goes on to say we also have within us a lover, a warrior, a wizard and a medicine animal (I think) anyhow you have to learn when an issue is bothering you WHO is it bothering? The child, the teenager, or the adult, then who can you call on to help with the situation, your wizard, your lover, etc.... kind of a weird concept and sometimes it makes sense others.... well.....not so sure.
However, Kevin is doing his best to make me understand these concepts. Sometimes to his own detrement because I get frustrated, don't want to talk about it and just want to crawl inside myself. But he pushes till he gets an answer.
That's always been my way, crawl inside myself, don't let anyone in, keep everyone and everything at bay, to avoid getting hurt. Somehow Kevin finds a way around this and inside, like a magic freaking key or something. Not that I don't get pissed and sometimes just want tell him to go away, leave me alone, your getting to close.
Occasionally we see Rich the counselor together, other times seperate. I thought it strange at first, I mean we aren't even married, not having any problems, but perhaps seeing this counselor together sometimes will eleviate those 'problems' from every happening. I sometimes laugh at Kevin's concept of rabbits and elephants, but it makes sense. First communication (and admittedly I suck at it) is the key, there are nice ways to tell someone even something that isn't so pleasant. But a rabbit is a small problem and it becomes an elephant when we don't address it. And you can stuff a lot of rabbits in a closet but that closet can only hold so many elephants for so long before the door comes off the hinges.
I think I have a lot of elephants and they are close to breaking off the hinges of my 'door' and I am trying hard to learn to deal with them and remember that EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON!
Monday, January 15, 2007
Saturday, January 06, 2007
I'm still alive
I'd like to say I've been busy but lazy is more like it :o)
Lots has gone on since my last post and well I'm just to lazy to go into it all. Suffice it to say things have changed, some good, some bad, all for a reason, some of which I have no idea, but it is all part of the life that is me.
Below is a recent picture of me and my new guy, Kevin. Met him on yahoo personals of all things, and let me say some good does come from the internet.
The picture is from Eve of the Eve in downtown Chicago. Had a good time, a bit to much to drink, open bars are dangerous, we took the train in so as to not worry about driving and parking. We were joined by Kevin's friend Lori and her new man Marc.
Lots has gone on since my last post and well I'm just to lazy to go into it all. Suffice it to say things have changed, some good, some bad, all for a reason, some of which I have no idea, but it is all part of the life that is me.
Below is a recent picture of me and my new guy, Kevin. Met him on yahoo personals of all things, and let me say some good does come from the internet.
The picture is from Eve of the Eve in downtown Chicago. Had a good time, a bit to much to drink, open bars are dangerous, we took the train in so as to not worry about driving and parking. We were joined by Kevin's friend Lori and her new man Marc.
Wednesday, August 23, 2006
Time - where does it go?
Yikes slacking in blogger world again... One day its Memorial day weekend and you blink and its labor day...
well once again my consistancy with working out has become VERY hit or miss. I did however hit d/t chicago last thursday at 9pm for the Nike Hit Remix run.. talk about a fun event.. its a fun run, no chip timing, 5 miles thru chicago, a band at every mile mark and a party in grant park after.. went w/group from the run club... what a riot.. will definately put this run on next yrs calendar! but maybe I'll train for it this time.. 5 miles no training to speak of, equals sore legs, knees, etc..
I think the best part was a group of us wanted pizza and beer afterward, its going on 11pm and little did we know that side of chicago rolls up the sidewalks, we tried several pizza places no luck, till finally someone directed us to a place that stayed open till 2am... in we go, order food, then drinks, then we wait and wait and wait.... finally had to tell waiter, we need pizza boxed, need tab, we gotta run, literally, we have 12 city blks to go and a last train to catch or we are stuck in the city till wee hours of the morning - so out the door we go with about 20 min... 8 of us, eating pizza as we were walking REALLY fast to the train station.. got about 5 min now we are running the last couple of blks.. I mean you miss the last train and your stuck there till they run again in the am.... so we make it in the time of nick.. sit down, doors close, WHEW THAT was close.... ticket taker comes by and is cracking up at us eating pizza, then one of the gals whips out a container she 'borrowed' shall we say, from the resturant of parm cheese and crushed red pepps... I thought we were all going to pee our pants we were laughing so hard.
Wednesday, July 12, 2006
Workout July 12 - Back/Chest/Shoulders
Close Grip Pulldowns - 2 x 11 x 85 and 1 x 11 x 90
DB Incline Press - 3 x 11 x 30
BB Bentover Row - 1 x 11 x 45 and 2 x 11 x 55
DB Flat Fly - 3 x 11 x 20
DB Rear Lat Raise - 3 x 11 x 10
DB Side Lat Raise - 3 x 11 x 10
then did 20 minutes of intervals on elliptical... suppose to be first training run with the nike group tonight but after legs yesterday and then running, and pushing probably a bit harder than I should have, my knees are a bit tender... see how they feel later today.. might go and just do run 1 min./walk 1 and alternate for the 3 miles...
DB Incline Press - 3 x 11 x 30
BB Bentover Row - 1 x 11 x 45 and 2 x 11 x 55
DB Flat Fly - 3 x 11 x 20
DB Rear Lat Raise - 3 x 11 x 10
DB Side Lat Raise - 3 x 11 x 10
then did 20 minutes of intervals on elliptical... suppose to be first training run with the nike group tonight but after legs yesterday and then running, and pushing probably a bit harder than I should have, my knees are a bit tender... see how they feel later today.. might go and just do run 1 min./walk 1 and alternate for the 3 miles...
Tuesday, July 11, 2006
Running again
so I join the run club in May 2005, get out for a run here or there with the group since the 5K class at that time didn't gather enough interest.. finally in fall of 05, the class happened and I did my first 2 5k's - in the cold weather.. I hate the cold and don't care much for running, its a means to an end and it satisfied me cause its something I always wanted to do.... so on advice of trainer when prepping for May competition, I had to cut out running, no body fat or less of it, less cushion on the joints, makes sense... so now I've got a goal of doing a 1/2 marathon in October (down from a full, to much to soon) so anyhow I've realized I needed to get back to running and working back up to my stamina of previous.....
so of course I pick today to begin again... and ended up running 3 miles in the pouring rain and humidity... of course don't ya know the rain stopped just as we got back to the club... figures eh????
so after leg workout today, running this evening, I'm certain when DOMS sets in its gonna hit hard!
so of course I pick today to begin again... and ended up running 3 miles in the pouring rain and humidity... of course don't ya know the rain stopped just as we got back to the club... figures eh????
so after leg workout today, running this evening, I'm certain when DOMS sets in its gonna hit hard!
My 'DATE'
Well from the moment we met we barely stopped talking. It was like Denise and I had known each other for sometime, and except for the conversation of getting to know someone type questions, you would have never known we hadn't been friends for ages.
She is really super nice and we had such a great time. The waiter had to come back a few times before we shut up long enough to actually read the menu and order. I look forward to getting to know her better. Heck we chatted so long we almost were late for our movie... I guess we had to shut up then...
Saw the Devil Wears Prada - and while it wasn't as funny as the trailers lead you to believe, it was a great movie, I enjoyed it and give it a thumbs up. Highly doubt it would be enjoyed by the men in your lives ladies but a super chick flix and good reason to go hang with a friend!
She is really super nice and we had such a great time. The waiter had to come back a few times before we shut up long enough to actually read the menu and order. I look forward to getting to know her better. Heck we chatted so long we almost were late for our movie... I guess we had to shut up then...
Saw the Devil Wears Prada - and while it wasn't as funny as the trailers lead you to believe, it was a great movie, I enjoyed it and give it a thumbs up. Highly doubt it would be enjoyed by the men in your lives ladies but a super chick flix and good reason to go hang with a friend!
Workout July 11 - Legs and Arms
I know I know this was suppose to be done yesterday, just couldn't drag my ass outta bed for legs yesterday.
Squats - 1 x 10 x 45 and 4 x 12 x 75
Leg Ext. - 1 x '10 x 30 and 2 x 12 x 45 (one set toes in, one set toes out)
Leg Curl - 1 x 10 x 35, 1 x 12 x 60 and 1 x 11 x 60
BB Curl - 1 x 10 x 20, 1 x 12 x 40 and 2 x 12 x 30 (someone had the 35lb bar)
EZ Curl Tri Ext - 3 x 12 x 25 (could go up here)
Tricep rope pushdown - 1 x 10 x 30 and 2 x 12 x 40
DB Hammer Curl - 2 x 12 x 15
Standing Calf Raise - 1 x 12 x 45 (oly.bar) 3 x 12 x bodyweight (toe in, toe out, straight ahead)
I learned a lot training with Jen Abrams, how to manipulate foot placement to hit various areas of the same muscle, hence the toes in, toes out placement on Leg Ext and Calf Raises. I also learned from Jen Hendershott's PHAT camp, that you can do a lot of work to legs without a lot of weight, heck even Jen Abrams had me doing tons of isometric stuff for legs.. I didn't want to make them larger, just leaner and tighter, well do some plie squats and REALLY squeeze on the up, no weights at all and after a few sets you'll be sweatin'.
One thing Jen A. did teach me, but it really cramps up my calf muscle and feet.. is on leg curl (lying) toes need to be pointed, not flexed.. I CAN feel how it hits the belly of the hamstring different, but damn near the end of 12 reps I can feel a cramp building in my calf and feet.. course I've always had problems there, not quite sure why... maybe time for a good blood workup to make sure I'm not lacking in any minerals or something strange like that..
Anyhow a good workout, tonight will be running with run club...
Squats - 1 x 10 x 45 and 4 x 12 x 75
Leg Ext. - 1 x '10 x 30 and 2 x 12 x 45 (one set toes in, one set toes out)
Leg Curl - 1 x 10 x 35, 1 x 12 x 60 and 1 x 11 x 60
BB Curl - 1 x 10 x 20, 1 x 12 x 40 and 2 x 12 x 30 (someone had the 35lb bar)
EZ Curl Tri Ext - 3 x 12 x 25 (could go up here)
Tricep rope pushdown - 1 x 10 x 30 and 2 x 12 x 40
DB Hammer Curl - 2 x 12 x 15
Standing Calf Raise - 1 x 12 x 45 (oly.bar) 3 x 12 x bodyweight (toe in, toe out, straight ahead)
I learned a lot training with Jen Abrams, how to manipulate foot placement to hit various areas of the same muscle, hence the toes in, toes out placement on Leg Ext and Calf Raises. I also learned from Jen Hendershott's PHAT camp, that you can do a lot of work to legs without a lot of weight, heck even Jen Abrams had me doing tons of isometric stuff for legs.. I didn't want to make them larger, just leaner and tighter, well do some plie squats and REALLY squeeze on the up, no weights at all and after a few sets you'll be sweatin'.
One thing Jen A. did teach me, but it really cramps up my calf muscle and feet.. is on leg curl (lying) toes need to be pointed, not flexed.. I CAN feel how it hits the belly of the hamstring different, but damn near the end of 12 reps I can feel a cramp building in my calf and feet.. course I've always had problems there, not quite sure why... maybe time for a good blood workup to make sure I'm not lacking in any minerals or something strange like that..
Anyhow a good workout, tonight will be running with run club...
Monday, July 10, 2006
Meeting and making new friends
I guess in reality I moved from Delaware for all the wrong reasons. But I like to live by the adage that everything, even wrong things, happen for a reason. To teach us lessons, put us in different places in our lives, help us grow and become stronger, the list goes on.
I even believe that everyone you encounter comes into your life for a reason - how does that saying go... some come into your life and stay forever leaving footprints on your heart, others come into our lives to teach us a lesson and once that lesson is learned, their purpose is served and we/they move on.
So even though at times I feel I made the wrong decision, maybe it wasn't after all. One thing I know for sure is I miss my friends terribly. I never knew how much I'd miss not having my best friend within a short drive, someone to visit, go to a movie with, chat over coffee or tea about nothing, someone to cry over a silly chick flix, etc.
In addition at 40 its hard to find places to make new friends. Unless you have kids in the school system or you work for a larger company, where DO you go to meet others with similar interests? You just can't walk up to some stranger in the grocery store and say "HI MY NAME IS KIM, I'M LOOKING FOR A FRIEND, WOULD YOU BE MY NEW FRIEND" sure try that and see if your not locked up in the looney bin.. men in white coats coming to get you with that funny jacket to slip into...
So something my boss did gave me an idea... the other weekend she had extra tickets to Ravinia, an outdoor concert venue, she posted a message on craigs list under strictly platonic to go to the concert that she had 3 tickets... it worked out well for her, she ended up meeting a really nice lady friend and now they seem to be hitting it off and hangin' out more often.
So I posted under the same heading, strictly platonic, that I has moved back to this area in 2004 and was looking to meet some new friends to hang out with (I mean the ad was worded differently but that was the gist of it) well I got some great response from other ladies in the same boat... either new to the area or had been stay at home moms and they too were looking for friends to meet and get to know.
One lady in particular, thru exchanging several emails, we seem to hit it off. She is 37 has been a SAHM, raising 5 kids, 12 yr old boy, 11 yr old boy triplets and a 10yr old girl, whew no wonder she hasn't been out. Anyhow she and I are going to meet up tonight. Going to have dinner then go see the new movie that is out The Devil Wears Prada.
We seem to have a lot in common, even though she is a mom and I'm not.. We are both into running (she more than I), she is fascinated by the whole bodybuilding thing and promises not to ask to many questions bout it (i thought that was funny and told her she could ask all she wanted) - actually a good mix,she can keep me motivated to run and be my running companion from time to time and I can encourage her to do some weight training and again be my partner from time to time. Both like downtown Chicago but hate to go alone, like baseball games but not on TV at the stadium, window shopping, museums, zoo, etc.. So I'm very excited to meet her tonight and see if indeed we could become friends.
Typically I am VERY shy and reserved but just in our email exchanges we seem to get along like we've already known each other, so I might find I won't be as shy as I think...
HHHMMM maybe I SHOULD try the whole internet dating thing if this works out :o)
I even believe that everyone you encounter comes into your life for a reason - how does that saying go... some come into your life and stay forever leaving footprints on your heart, others come into our lives to teach us a lesson and once that lesson is learned, their purpose is served and we/they move on.
So even though at times I feel I made the wrong decision, maybe it wasn't after all. One thing I know for sure is I miss my friends terribly. I never knew how much I'd miss not having my best friend within a short drive, someone to visit, go to a movie with, chat over coffee or tea about nothing, someone to cry over a silly chick flix, etc.
In addition at 40 its hard to find places to make new friends. Unless you have kids in the school system or you work for a larger company, where DO you go to meet others with similar interests? You just can't walk up to some stranger in the grocery store and say "HI MY NAME IS KIM, I'M LOOKING FOR A FRIEND, WOULD YOU BE MY NEW FRIEND" sure try that and see if your not locked up in the looney bin.. men in white coats coming to get you with that funny jacket to slip into...
So something my boss did gave me an idea... the other weekend she had extra tickets to Ravinia, an outdoor concert venue, she posted a message on craigs list under strictly platonic to go to the concert that she had 3 tickets... it worked out well for her, she ended up meeting a really nice lady friend and now they seem to be hitting it off and hangin' out more often.
So I posted under the same heading, strictly platonic, that I has moved back to this area in 2004 and was looking to meet some new friends to hang out with (I mean the ad was worded differently but that was the gist of it) well I got some great response from other ladies in the same boat... either new to the area or had been stay at home moms and they too were looking for friends to meet and get to know.
One lady in particular, thru exchanging several emails, we seem to hit it off. She is 37 has been a SAHM, raising 5 kids, 12 yr old boy, 11 yr old boy triplets and a 10yr old girl, whew no wonder she hasn't been out. Anyhow she and I are going to meet up tonight. Going to have dinner then go see the new movie that is out The Devil Wears Prada.
We seem to have a lot in common, even though she is a mom and I'm not.. We are both into running (she more than I), she is fascinated by the whole bodybuilding thing and promises not to ask to many questions bout it (i thought that was funny and told her she could ask all she wanted) - actually a good mix,she can keep me motivated to run and be my running companion from time to time and I can encourage her to do some weight training and again be my partner from time to time. Both like downtown Chicago but hate to go alone, like baseball games but not on TV at the stadium, window shopping, museums, zoo, etc.. So I'm very excited to meet her tonight and see if indeed we could become friends.
Typically I am VERY shy and reserved but just in our email exchanges we seem to get along like we've already known each other, so I might find I won't be as shy as I think...
HHHMMM maybe I SHOULD try the whole internet dating thing if this works out :o)
Sunday, July 09, 2006
Workout July 9 - Back/Chest/Shoulders
George actually joined me at the gym, I know he feels my workouts are pretty disjointed and well they are but for right now I just needed to do something.
Close Grip Lat pulldowns - 1 x 10 x 45 and 3 x 12 x 80
DB Incline Presses - 1 x 10 x 20 and 3 x 12 x 30
BB Bentover Rows - 3 x 12 x 45 (bar only)
DB flat Fly - 1 x 12 x 12.5, 1 x 12 x 15 and 1 x 12 x 17.5
DB Seated Rear Lat Raise - 3 x 12 x 10
DB Side Raise - 3 x 12 x 10
sets x reps x poundage
These are workout schemes from the leanness lifestyle muscle professor, like I said I just need some structure right now and this helps me not just to go flying by the seat of my pants. Its not like I don't know what to do, I feel I'm just floundering a bit here lately.... doubting my own ability I guess, so whats new there?
Tomorrow will be legs and arms!
Close Grip Lat pulldowns - 1 x 10 x 45 and 3 x 12 x 80
DB Incline Presses - 1 x 10 x 20 and 3 x 12 x 30
BB Bentover Rows - 3 x 12 x 45 (bar only)
DB flat Fly - 1 x 12 x 12.5, 1 x 12 x 15 and 1 x 12 x 17.5
DB Seated Rear Lat Raise - 3 x 12 x 10
DB Side Raise - 3 x 12 x 10
sets x reps x poundage
These are workout schemes from the leanness lifestyle muscle professor, like I said I just need some structure right now and this helps me not just to go flying by the seat of my pants. Its not like I don't know what to do, I feel I'm just floundering a bit here lately.... doubting my own ability I guess, so whats new there?
Tomorrow will be legs and arms!
The buck stops here, right here right NOW!
don't know whats come over me, well yes I do... I've been feeling depressed with everything that is and isn't going on and in the last 2 wks, I've gained 10 fucking pounds.. Its amazing but what was not even a temptation to me when prepping for May, is now something I can't say no to. The boss has been buying lunch and then ice cream in the late afternoon and with the way I've been feeling its just been hard to say NO.
Well that buck stops here damn it! I REFUSE fucking refuse to let myself gain another ounce - eating crap and not working out is NOT going to solve my financial problems, my relationship issues, my no friends to hang with worries, my missing my best friend situation - NONE of it not one iota is solved by shoveling food in my mouth - oh sure it makes me 'FEEL' better for a moment but only for a moment... I want to feel better all the time and that only happens when I am consistant with clean eating and working out.
Well that buck stops here damn it! I REFUSE fucking refuse to let myself gain another ounce - eating crap and not working out is NOT going to solve my financial problems, my relationship issues, my no friends to hang with worries, my missing my best friend situation - NONE of it not one iota is solved by shoveling food in my mouth - oh sure it makes me 'FEEL' better for a moment but only for a moment... I want to feel better all the time and that only happens when I am consistant with clean eating and working out.
Saturday, July 08, 2006
TEAM ABRAMS MAY 6, 2006
amazing what you can figure out how to do when your up to early. I've seen some friends with myspace accounts have these cool slide shows, so I checked it out and whatya know, its pretty darm simple to use....
Wednesday, June 28, 2006
Another catch up...
Lots to catch up on where do I start? Guess we can start were I left off eh? Well my last post about what was going on was in Feb... so we can start from there. George and I decided that our living together was not working out, we gave it a shot but we just didn't mesh being in the same house. I like things a certain way, as does he, does not make one persons way right or wrong, the two just didn't work under the same roof.
Thought maybe things would be better between us when I moved out but they were not, so, hopefully, at the very least, we can remain friends. Hard to say. I know right now any time I say anything about the kids he feels I am dissing him and his job as a parent. I know I am NOT a parent but I don't think in the parent handbook it ever said things would be easy, that your kids would like everything about you or love everything you make them do.. I do know that you can not be the custodial full time parent and parent with the weekend parent mentality just because you don't want you kids to hate you. Its not that they hate YOU rather the decision you made for them and yes sometimes that decision has to be no phone, no TV, no internet until grades are brought up or rooms picked up...
sadly, even though he thinks different, I really and truly only want the best for both Caitlin and Colin. I see so much potential but I'm afraid that potential could be over looked because someone might not give them a 2nd chance because of grades - he likes to comment on how our trainer, who is a VERY smart and bright woman, can be perceived by others as being just a dumb bodybuilder because she is not the worlds greatest speller and yes that is very true, but how do you think others are going to perceive your own children when they look at grades and such when its time for them to hit the work world or become (hopefully) college bound? Or what freshman teacher or 8th grade teacher this coming year might not even give them a 2nd thought because of their grades? Well I can't chance it, I can only keep them in my prayers that they will do better and before its too late.
So I moved into my apartment in March, with Georges help both physically and financially. I haven't done a lot to it, pictures on the wall, that type of stuff, cause well I've been broke and I was pretty in the thick of training for the competition and it was gym, work, gym, home, plus it was the height of tax season at the Schreiber Group too... Funny I thought previously there would be NO way I could prepare for a competition during tax season, but it wound up just the opposite... It forced me to focus and keep a tight schedule so I could get it all in.
Competition day came OHGOSH it was such a fab. day. I gained so much working with Jennifer Abrams. I know I've said it before but I've got to say it again, this lady knows her shit.. She trains the entire person. She just does not spit out eat this, lift that, do this, don't do that... Nope she learns who YOU are, what motivates YOU and what motivates one may not another, but she learns this about every single client and gears the training with them based on those parameters. She KNEW instinctively what I needed and when, both mentally and physically, its amazing, she is amazing! If I could change one thing about Jen.....it would be her lack of ability to be on time...while for me, when she was 20 minutes late to a training session it didn't matter, I got my full hour with her and I didn't have to be anywhere else on Thursdays, it might put someone else off and I'd hate for anyone to miss out on her great skills as a personal trainer because she can't be on time... Not everyone will have nothing planned for the rest of their day and lets face it being on time it just being respectful of someone else's time.. We are ALL late on occasion, Jen is 99% of the time late, but she is juggling lots of stuff too... Like I said for me, at the time, no big deal.
I was a smidge depressed after the competition. I mean there is all this build up to this one day and BAM it comes, it goes so fast, then the next day there is nothing. Kinda like a wedding, or Christmas day for me. But I managed to keep it in check this time, I have NOT gained 50 pounds. I seem to be holding steady at 5 to 10 pounds above show day and that is quite respectable. NO bodybuilder looks like they do day in and day out as they do on show day. You are so dehydrated that one day, carb depleted, mostly eating protein, that once your body gets back some water and you have your treats you've been abstaining from, the body holds it fast thinking OMgosh I might never get this again... you can literally be up, scale weight, 10-20 pounds within a day or so afterwards... most of its water weight. But as long as mentally you know that and you don't go on all out binges for days/weeks on end, you can keep the whole thing in check.
Now on the work front... well I've realized that I must get back to full time income. Went part time when George and I were living together, this allowed me to help with kids and unknown to us at the time would allow me to help with getting Colin to the learning center everyday. I knew at the time when I went p/t there was NO guarantee my boss could take me back on full time if my situation changed. Well my situation changed, she does not have full time work for me, so onto other options. First Andrea did NOT want to lose me to another job, which makes me feel good, makes me know I am a good employee, so she had some clients that don't want to pay her fees to do stuff for them once a week or every other week, so Andrea helped me set up my own bookkeeping business and I started to help her clients. Well it didn't work out as we had hoped. The one client was so slow in paying me, another is not consistent with when he needs me, and another is so freaking busy he has yet to have time to sit down with me to show me just what he needs - well I need steady and definite income right now and so begins the job search...
I spent weeks updating my resume, combing the on line ads for postings, sending out resumes via mail, fax or email, waiting for responses, filling out on line applications, going on interviews.. I mean I'm sure you all know the process and IT can be a full time job by itself.. So finally after a few weeks of this madness, I got a job with the Addison School District, I will be the (well not sure of my exact title) direct assistant to the Assistant superintendent of Business. I think this will be a great opportunity. My new boss is in charge of the business ($$) affairs for the school, she is the treasurer, as well as in charge of the complete renovation the district is going thru, she seems like a busy lady who was very up front in the interview in saying I need someone that can anticipate what I need, that can deal with me coming thru for an hour between meetings saying I need this that and the other, that can be organized as she admitted she is not.... I think I can fit this bill. Oh sure you have to get to know someone for a bit before you can anticipate their needs but I pick up on things pretty quickly. So anyhow I start there on the 19th. My current boss Andrea was almost in tears when I told her, but she also understands this is what I have to do and she has asked me to keep my keys to the office and if they get swamped she has asked if I'd come by at night or on the weekends to help out, well of course I will! And I will help in the evenings during tax season, it will be extra money and hopefully a way I can pay back George for some of his help.
Well speaking of catching up, I have some much needed catch up to do at the Laundromat... yes I know what fun, your so jealous of me right now aren't ya????
Thought maybe things would be better between us when I moved out but they were not, so, hopefully, at the very least, we can remain friends. Hard to say. I know right now any time I say anything about the kids he feels I am dissing him and his job as a parent. I know I am NOT a parent but I don't think in the parent handbook it ever said things would be easy, that your kids would like everything about you or love everything you make them do.. I do know that you can not be the custodial full time parent and parent with the weekend parent mentality just because you don't want you kids to hate you. Its not that they hate YOU rather the decision you made for them and yes sometimes that decision has to be no phone, no TV, no internet until grades are brought up or rooms picked up...
sadly, even though he thinks different, I really and truly only want the best for both Caitlin and Colin. I see so much potential but I'm afraid that potential could be over looked because someone might not give them a 2nd chance because of grades - he likes to comment on how our trainer, who is a VERY smart and bright woman, can be perceived by others as being just a dumb bodybuilder because she is not the worlds greatest speller and yes that is very true, but how do you think others are going to perceive your own children when they look at grades and such when its time for them to hit the work world or become (hopefully) college bound? Or what freshman teacher or 8th grade teacher this coming year might not even give them a 2nd thought because of their grades? Well I can't chance it, I can only keep them in my prayers that they will do better and before its too late.
So I moved into my apartment in March, with Georges help both physically and financially. I haven't done a lot to it, pictures on the wall, that type of stuff, cause well I've been broke and I was pretty in the thick of training for the competition and it was gym, work, gym, home, plus it was the height of tax season at the Schreiber Group too... Funny I thought previously there would be NO way I could prepare for a competition during tax season, but it wound up just the opposite... It forced me to focus and keep a tight schedule so I could get it all in.
Competition day came OHGOSH it was such a fab. day. I gained so much working with Jennifer Abrams. I know I've said it before but I've got to say it again, this lady knows her shit.. She trains the entire person. She just does not spit out eat this, lift that, do this, don't do that... Nope she learns who YOU are, what motivates YOU and what motivates one may not another, but she learns this about every single client and gears the training with them based on those parameters. She KNEW instinctively what I needed and when, both mentally and physically, its amazing, she is amazing! If I could change one thing about Jen.....it would be her lack of ability to be on time...while for me, when she was 20 minutes late to a training session it didn't matter, I got my full hour with her and I didn't have to be anywhere else on Thursdays, it might put someone else off and I'd hate for anyone to miss out on her great skills as a personal trainer because she can't be on time... Not everyone will have nothing planned for the rest of their day and lets face it being on time it just being respectful of someone else's time.. We are ALL late on occasion, Jen is 99% of the time late, but she is juggling lots of stuff too... Like I said for me, at the time, no big deal.
I was a smidge depressed after the competition. I mean there is all this build up to this one day and BAM it comes, it goes so fast, then the next day there is nothing. Kinda like a wedding, or Christmas day for me. But I managed to keep it in check this time, I have NOT gained 50 pounds. I seem to be holding steady at 5 to 10 pounds above show day and that is quite respectable. NO bodybuilder looks like they do day in and day out as they do on show day. You are so dehydrated that one day, carb depleted, mostly eating protein, that once your body gets back some water and you have your treats you've been abstaining from, the body holds it fast thinking OMgosh I might never get this again... you can literally be up, scale weight, 10-20 pounds within a day or so afterwards... most of its water weight. But as long as mentally you know that and you don't go on all out binges for days/weeks on end, you can keep the whole thing in check.
Now on the work front... well I've realized that I must get back to full time income. Went part time when George and I were living together, this allowed me to help with kids and unknown to us at the time would allow me to help with getting Colin to the learning center everyday. I knew at the time when I went p/t there was NO guarantee my boss could take me back on full time if my situation changed. Well my situation changed, she does not have full time work for me, so onto other options. First Andrea did NOT want to lose me to another job, which makes me feel good, makes me know I am a good employee, so she had some clients that don't want to pay her fees to do stuff for them once a week or every other week, so Andrea helped me set up my own bookkeeping business and I started to help her clients. Well it didn't work out as we had hoped. The one client was so slow in paying me, another is not consistent with when he needs me, and another is so freaking busy he has yet to have time to sit down with me to show me just what he needs - well I need steady and definite income right now and so begins the job search...
I spent weeks updating my resume, combing the on line ads for postings, sending out resumes via mail, fax or email, waiting for responses, filling out on line applications, going on interviews.. I mean I'm sure you all know the process and IT can be a full time job by itself.. So finally after a few weeks of this madness, I got a job with the Addison School District, I will be the (well not sure of my exact title) direct assistant to the Assistant superintendent of Business. I think this will be a great opportunity. My new boss is in charge of the business ($$) affairs for the school, she is the treasurer, as well as in charge of the complete renovation the district is going thru, she seems like a busy lady who was very up front in the interview in saying I need someone that can anticipate what I need, that can deal with me coming thru for an hour between meetings saying I need this that and the other, that can be organized as she admitted she is not.... I think I can fit this bill. Oh sure you have to get to know someone for a bit before you can anticipate their needs but I pick up on things pretty quickly. So anyhow I start there on the 19th. My current boss Andrea was almost in tears when I told her, but she also understands this is what I have to do and she has asked me to keep my keys to the office and if they get swamped she has asked if I'd come by at night or on the weekends to help out, well of course I will! And I will help in the evenings during tax season, it will be extra money and hopefully a way I can pay back George for some of his help.
Well speaking of catching up, I have some much needed catch up to do at the Laundromat... yes I know what fun, your so jealous of me right now aren't ya????
Friday, June 02, 2006
Forgot to say
You can view the individual routine I did for the show at this website.
www.pradelproductions.com
click enter
find link for Grand Prix 2006 posing routines
then look for my name when you click on it, it will download and play on windows media player - the speed of the download depends on your internet connection.
www.pradelproductions.com
click enter
find link for Grand Prix 2006 posing routines
then look for my name when you click on it, it will download and play on windows media player - the speed of the download depends on your internet connection.
Sunday, May 21, 2006
The Way I See It
While grocery shopping this morning, I stopped and got a hot chocolate at Starbucks. The have these (sometimes) interesting sayings/quotes on their cups and what was on my cup today is worth sharing.
Quoted by Tiana Tozer 92 paralympic silver and 96 bronze medalist in women's wheelchair basketball.
"They told you that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. What they failed to tell you is that it is best seen with the eyes closed. What you look like isn't important. What is important is who you are INSIDE and the choices you are making in your life."
I think that is #1 beautiful and #2 so true. As terrible as it sounds, I've often said I wish God had made all of us without sight. WHY? Well because then we would learn to know people by how they treat us. We wouldn't be turned off or never even give that person a chance to be a part of our lives because they dressed different, or were not blessed with the gift of beauty or were in a wheel chair, or whatever.
I am just as guilty as the next human in the fact that you see someone who is 'different' in dress, hair style, looks, whatever and you don't even give that person a chance. When in reality they could have turned out to be your best friend, lover or mate, if only we could look beyond the outer shell.
While I too would miss the beauty that God has provided in nature if indeed He made us without sight.... I wonder how many more wonderful people could be or could have been a part of my life, if I had not judge them FIRST by outer appearance?
Quoted by Tiana Tozer 92 paralympic silver and 96 bronze medalist in women's wheelchair basketball.
"They told you that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. What they failed to tell you is that it is best seen with the eyes closed. What you look like isn't important. What is important is who you are INSIDE and the choices you are making in your life."
I think that is #1 beautiful and #2 so true. As terrible as it sounds, I've often said I wish God had made all of us without sight. WHY? Well because then we would learn to know people by how they treat us. We wouldn't be turned off or never even give that person a chance to be a part of our lives because they dressed different, or were not blessed with the gift of beauty or were in a wheel chair, or whatever.
I am just as guilty as the next human in the fact that you see someone who is 'different' in dress, hair style, looks, whatever and you don't even give that person a chance. When in reality they could have turned out to be your best friend, lover or mate, if only we could look beyond the outer shell.
While I too would miss the beauty that God has provided in nature if indeed He made us without sight.... I wonder how many more wonderful people could be or could have been a part of my life, if I had not judge them FIRST by outer appearance?
Wednesday, May 17, 2006
WOW time flies
Just wanted to pop in quickly and let everyone know I'm still alive... ALOT has changed since my last post and I promise now that life is somewhat back to normal, I will update with photos and such. Seeing as how the last photos posted were when I was 14 wks out I guess I do have some catch up to do.
The day of the show, Saturday May 6th, was a SPECTACULAR day. I had a great trainer guide me along the way and it made this experience the 2nd time totally different. While my first competition in Nov 2004 was a great experience, this one topped it 1000 fold.
I will leave for now with a picture of TEAM ABRAMS from the day of the competition!
From left to right - ME, Carlos, John, Jen, Cordula, and down front is our awesome coach Jennifer Abrams.
The day of the show, Saturday May 6th, was a SPECTACULAR day. I had a great trainer guide me along the way and it made this experience the 2nd time totally different. While my first competition in Nov 2004 was a great experience, this one topped it 1000 fold.
I will leave for now with a picture of TEAM ABRAMS from the day of the competition!
From left to right - ME, Carlos, John, Jen, Cordula, and down front is our awesome coach Jennifer Abrams.
Thursday, February 02, 2006
Back Training Today
Today was my training day w/Jen.. We worked back... Unfortunately we didn't get in any posing. She got a call that her daughter was sick and she had to pick her up from school. I've often wondered how she gets everything done she does, training I don't know how many clients, a mom to two beautiful kids, a wife to a very active hubby, and getting ready to go for her PRO card in July at Team Universe.. I guess its all in the planning - something I need to work on..
However the other day she sent me a schedule of our next 14 wks of training, so that helps me to plan my other days and muscle groups from now till the competition.
I don't keep track of me poundages when I work out with Jen.. I just go with whatever she hands me or sets the machine at... but we did seated rows, wide grip pull downs, dumbell rows, two at a time and independantly and also standing straight arm lat pull downs, I guess you'd call them. I have to focus on NOT using my traps.. She is constantly having to correct my sets as I naturally want to pull up in the traps... NOT GOOD since they will develop naturally with all the other exercises. So we lightened the load a few times hoping that would take the traps out of the equation, but it still has to be a concious effort on my part and I just don't realize I'm doing it to be honest..
I finished off with some back extensions after she left. then hit the elliptical, the one with the arms that move back and forth for 45 minutes, then wolfed down my protein shake and headed for home.. Tried to nap but couldn't fall asleep, so I said what the hell and went to the gym and did 30 minutes on the recumbant stationary bike - man what is it about that thing that really works them quads?
Tomorrow the kids go to Texas for the weekend to see their mom. Luckily she works for ATA so flights are free, they fly non-revenue but when its not peak holiday time there generally aren't any issues with them not getting a seat. So George and I will get a nice adult weekend to ourselves.
Heading to dinner Saturday night with some friends but so far that is the only planned thing. Frankly I don't care if the rest of our weekend is spent at the gym or in our PJ's watching Fraiser reruns! Its been a while since we've had some him and me alone time, or at least alone time where we didn't have to worry that the kids could be dropped off at any moment..
So break out the adult toys ;o)
However the other day she sent me a schedule of our next 14 wks of training, so that helps me to plan my other days and muscle groups from now till the competition.
I don't keep track of me poundages when I work out with Jen.. I just go with whatever she hands me or sets the machine at... but we did seated rows, wide grip pull downs, dumbell rows, two at a time and independantly and also standing straight arm lat pull downs, I guess you'd call them. I have to focus on NOT using my traps.. She is constantly having to correct my sets as I naturally want to pull up in the traps... NOT GOOD since they will develop naturally with all the other exercises. So we lightened the load a few times hoping that would take the traps out of the equation, but it still has to be a concious effort on my part and I just don't realize I'm doing it to be honest..
I finished off with some back extensions after she left. then hit the elliptical, the one with the arms that move back and forth for 45 minutes, then wolfed down my protein shake and headed for home.. Tried to nap but couldn't fall asleep, so I said what the hell and went to the gym and did 30 minutes on the recumbant stationary bike - man what is it about that thing that really works them quads?
Tomorrow the kids go to Texas for the weekend to see their mom. Luckily she works for ATA so flights are free, they fly non-revenue but when its not peak holiday time there generally aren't any issues with them not getting a seat. So George and I will get a nice adult weekend to ourselves.
Heading to dinner Saturday night with some friends but so far that is the only planned thing. Frankly I don't care if the rest of our weekend is spent at the gym or in our PJ's watching Fraiser reruns! Its been a while since we've had some him and me alone time, or at least alone time where we didn't have to worry that the kids could be dropped off at any moment..
So break out the adult toys ;o)
Posing Practice 1/26/06 - 14 wks/2days out.
All pictures courtesy of Jennifer Abrams - www.jenniferabrams.net - if you live in Midwest and need a kick ass trainer, she is your gal. Posing is exhausting and she must have snapped a picture of me grabbing a drink.
14 wks out Right Side Tricep
14 wks out Rear Lat Spread - I have to get rid of that shift in my hips.
14 wks out Rear Double Bicep and that hip shift again makes you look wider than you are in that area, not good, gotta work on that.
Overhead Abs - as body leans down over next 14 wks the ABS will show more - never having had children I don't have some of the issues with abs others do, but then again Jen has had 2 children and that gal has ABS you can do your laundry on! Washboard for sure!
I like this shot the best - #1 I like the side chest shot and #2 this is the smile I must portray to the judges on May 6th - its not easy to remember to smile with every muscle in your body being flexed tight and held till they say RELAX... and relax is never REALLY relaxed, gotta stay tight on stage.
Front lat Spread - might show more when I start doing practice posing in my bathing suit.
Front Double Bicep
Wednesday, February 01, 2006
One's Roots
Catching up on a lot of the blogs I like to read and after reading Turtle Guy's post about being adopted, it really got me thinking. I know I'm not adopted but I also have NO IDEA who my father is and I guess this has really left me feeling empty for a long time..
I was the oldest of 3, there were more but my mother miscarried a set of twins and two other children, I think, at least that is the story she tells. I went along my life thinking Don and Noel were my brothers, same mom, same dad. However I did come to find out different one day.
I don't recall how I found my birth certificate. I'm sure I was being the nosey somebody that I am. but I was somewhere between 12 - 14 yrs old when I discovered that I was not who I thought I was.
I had been registered in school and had always gone by the last name of Hancock. how that happened I have no idea, I can only speculate that at the time I was registered for school you did not have to show a birth certificate, again just speculation on my part. But upon finding my birth certificate I saw the name of Kimberly Rae Hampton. Thinking this had to be someone else but the date of birth was the same as mine and the mother listed was my mother, but the person listed as the father was someone I had NEVER heard of or known in my life. To the best of my knowledge and all I knew was Donald Cecil Hancock was my father, even though they had divorced when I was about 8 yrs old maybe. I was shocked and felt very lost, I already didn't have a great relationship with my mother, now to find this..
Well I'm sure what I was told when I confronted her was not the truth, hell I know its not the truth but its all I had to go on. I was told that she got pregnant by this man John Hampton, they married when she was about 6 months pregnant with me. However he was an alcoholic and he beat her, so she divorced him when I was about 6 months old. Again I don't know this man so I can't say if he was those things or not.
So the only 'father' I ever knew was Donald Cecil Hancock. You would have NEVER known I was not his natural daughter, because I was spoiled rotten by this man. I do recall I wanted for nothing and I mean nothing. If it was in his power, I got it. If we drove by a McDonalds, regardless of the fact I had just eaten, if I said I wanted a hamburger, he stopped and got it for me. We had 'our' time when he and I would put together puzzles, we had our own special card table for it and my brother Don (who is 2 yrs younger) was not allowed to help, this was my time with my daddy. My brother had his time too with his dad, but I was a spoiled rotten daddy's girl. I went everywhere with him. And even the time he ran into some friends house for a few moments and left me in the car and I decided to put the car in neutral and it rolled down the hill and into a tree (I was not hurt but the car was) I was never punished. I hated my mother when she divorced him.
I know they fought a lot. And now that I am older I also know he was not the best husband. But I can assure you my mother was not the best wife either. He was a player, he liked women. I'm not sure if he needed another woman in his life because he was not getting what he needed from my mother, be it mentally or physically, but he did have affairs. But I didn't know that as a child. Even after they divorced I still had no idea I was not his natural daughter. We were allowed to spend weekends with him and such and I looked forward to those times. However there came a time when my mother forbid us to see him anymore. I still don't know why. I think he stopped paying her child support and that was the root of it. Her way to say well I'll show him kinda thing, I don't know...
I recall one time at my grandmothers house, her and my mom were going thru some old photos and my grandmother wanted to show me some pictures but my mother snatched them from her and said I was not ready for that yet. Many years later I later came to find out that those were pictures of my mother with the man listed on my birth certificate as my father.
I say the man listed on my birth certificate because I honestly don't think even he is my natural father. After I had found my birth certifcate and realized that I was only a 1/2 sister to my brothers (same mom, different dads) I recall having a conversation with my grandmother about having found out that Don Hancock was not my dad. My grandmother said well its about time you found out. I said yes now if I could just find this John Hampton person, she said why would you want to find him, he isn't your dad? Well I'm sure the look on my face made her realize she just opened another can of worms by accident. She proceeds to tell me that this man is also not my father, that my mother met him when she was already pregnant with me and they married when she was about 6 months along. Then she pulled out some photos of my mother with this man John Hampton and it was obvious to me (I was now 16 or 17 at the time) that genetically there wasn't any way I was an offspring of the man in this photo. this man was dark skinned, I'd say of cherokee Indian or latin decent, that dark olive colored complexion and his hair was jet black. I'd say the odds of the dominant male gene he had producing someone like me with fair skin, red hair and freckles was very very slim.. Impossible no but very very slim.. couple that with the cat my grandmother just let out of the bag and I'm pretty safe in saying John Hampton is not/was not my natural father but rather a name on a birth certificate.
I have confronted my mother with this, recently and at the time it came up many moons ago and of course I'm told that is my grandmother telling me stories. Well I'm more likely to believe my grandmother. However she is no longer around to ask.
I guess in the end this leaves me feeling very lost. Like I don't know who the other part of me is. I mean I don't have a great relationship with my mother, so its hard when you don't know who your father is either. I don't want anything from this person but to know where I came from really. To know if I have any other 1/2 siblings out there, family/grandparents, aunts uncles, cousins etc I don't know?
The only 'father' I ever knew has since passed away but I can recall him calling me one night out of the blue.. I mean it had been AGES since I had ever seen him and I guess he was sick and dying and contacted my brother (his natural son) and my brother gave him my number. I remember that call like it was yesterday. I don't normally answer calls when the ID comes up unknown or unavailable, its always a sales call, but this one time I did because it was like 10:30 at night and I was ready to reem a new asshole to some marketer making a call at this hour. and when the person on the other end said is Kim there, I immediately knew the voice, he said this is Don Hancock, your.... and he trailed off and I finished it for him I said my dad. We talked for a while and I told him I now knew he was not my daddy but in my heart would always be my daddy, I think or at least I hope that made him feel better. But even he could not answer my questions about who my true and natural sperm donor was. I guess in reality that is all that person was, a sperm donor... I hate to feel like that because maybe he too wanted to know who I am/was but my mother wouldn't let that happen...
so I go thru life not dwelling on it but at certain times I think about it. I don't even have ANY clue as to where I could begin to find the truth because my mother is of no help. Even if John Hampton is not my father, I'd love to find him and maybe he would have answers for me, but she isn't of any help in supplying me with any information there either... another reason I guess I can't believe her story that he is my dad. And a name like John Hampton is so common it would take me forever to find the right one.
I guess reading Turtle Guys post about adoption made me think about all this today... however I'm happy for Turtle Guy in that it seems his adoptive parents gave him a very nice life, I wish I could feel that way about mine growing up..
I was the oldest of 3, there were more but my mother miscarried a set of twins and two other children, I think, at least that is the story she tells. I went along my life thinking Don and Noel were my brothers, same mom, same dad. However I did come to find out different one day.
I don't recall how I found my birth certificate. I'm sure I was being the nosey somebody that I am. but I was somewhere between 12 - 14 yrs old when I discovered that I was not who I thought I was.
I had been registered in school and had always gone by the last name of Hancock. how that happened I have no idea, I can only speculate that at the time I was registered for school you did not have to show a birth certificate, again just speculation on my part. But upon finding my birth certificate I saw the name of Kimberly Rae Hampton. Thinking this had to be someone else but the date of birth was the same as mine and the mother listed was my mother, but the person listed as the father was someone I had NEVER heard of or known in my life. To the best of my knowledge and all I knew was Donald Cecil Hancock was my father, even though they had divorced when I was about 8 yrs old maybe. I was shocked and felt very lost, I already didn't have a great relationship with my mother, now to find this..
Well I'm sure what I was told when I confronted her was not the truth, hell I know its not the truth but its all I had to go on. I was told that she got pregnant by this man John Hampton, they married when she was about 6 months pregnant with me. However he was an alcoholic and he beat her, so she divorced him when I was about 6 months old. Again I don't know this man so I can't say if he was those things or not.
So the only 'father' I ever knew was Donald Cecil Hancock. You would have NEVER known I was not his natural daughter, because I was spoiled rotten by this man. I do recall I wanted for nothing and I mean nothing. If it was in his power, I got it. If we drove by a McDonalds, regardless of the fact I had just eaten, if I said I wanted a hamburger, he stopped and got it for me. We had 'our' time when he and I would put together puzzles, we had our own special card table for it and my brother Don (who is 2 yrs younger) was not allowed to help, this was my time with my daddy. My brother had his time too with his dad, but I was a spoiled rotten daddy's girl. I went everywhere with him. And even the time he ran into some friends house for a few moments and left me in the car and I decided to put the car in neutral and it rolled down the hill and into a tree (I was not hurt but the car was) I was never punished. I hated my mother when she divorced him.
I know they fought a lot. And now that I am older I also know he was not the best husband. But I can assure you my mother was not the best wife either. He was a player, he liked women. I'm not sure if he needed another woman in his life because he was not getting what he needed from my mother, be it mentally or physically, but he did have affairs. But I didn't know that as a child. Even after they divorced I still had no idea I was not his natural daughter. We were allowed to spend weekends with him and such and I looked forward to those times. However there came a time when my mother forbid us to see him anymore. I still don't know why. I think he stopped paying her child support and that was the root of it. Her way to say well I'll show him kinda thing, I don't know...
I recall one time at my grandmothers house, her and my mom were going thru some old photos and my grandmother wanted to show me some pictures but my mother snatched them from her and said I was not ready for that yet. Many years later I later came to find out that those were pictures of my mother with the man listed on my birth certificate as my father.
I say the man listed on my birth certificate because I honestly don't think even he is my natural father. After I had found my birth certifcate and realized that I was only a 1/2 sister to my brothers (same mom, different dads) I recall having a conversation with my grandmother about having found out that Don Hancock was not my dad. My grandmother said well its about time you found out. I said yes now if I could just find this John Hampton person, she said why would you want to find him, he isn't your dad? Well I'm sure the look on my face made her realize she just opened another can of worms by accident. She proceeds to tell me that this man is also not my father, that my mother met him when she was already pregnant with me and they married when she was about 6 months along. Then she pulled out some photos of my mother with this man John Hampton and it was obvious to me (I was now 16 or 17 at the time) that genetically there wasn't any way I was an offspring of the man in this photo. this man was dark skinned, I'd say of cherokee Indian or latin decent, that dark olive colored complexion and his hair was jet black. I'd say the odds of the dominant male gene he had producing someone like me with fair skin, red hair and freckles was very very slim.. Impossible no but very very slim.. couple that with the cat my grandmother just let out of the bag and I'm pretty safe in saying John Hampton is not/was not my natural father but rather a name on a birth certificate.
I have confronted my mother with this, recently and at the time it came up many moons ago and of course I'm told that is my grandmother telling me stories. Well I'm more likely to believe my grandmother. However she is no longer around to ask.
I guess in the end this leaves me feeling very lost. Like I don't know who the other part of me is. I mean I don't have a great relationship with my mother, so its hard when you don't know who your father is either. I don't want anything from this person but to know where I came from really. To know if I have any other 1/2 siblings out there, family/grandparents, aunts uncles, cousins etc I don't know?
The only 'father' I ever knew has since passed away but I can recall him calling me one night out of the blue.. I mean it had been AGES since I had ever seen him and I guess he was sick and dying and contacted my brother (his natural son) and my brother gave him my number. I remember that call like it was yesterday. I don't normally answer calls when the ID comes up unknown or unavailable, its always a sales call, but this one time I did because it was like 10:30 at night and I was ready to reem a new asshole to some marketer making a call at this hour. and when the person on the other end said is Kim there, I immediately knew the voice, he said this is Don Hancock, your.... and he trailed off and I finished it for him I said my dad. We talked for a while and I told him I now knew he was not my daddy but in my heart would always be my daddy, I think or at least I hope that made him feel better. But even he could not answer my questions about who my true and natural sperm donor was. I guess in reality that is all that person was, a sperm donor... I hate to feel like that because maybe he too wanted to know who I am/was but my mother wouldn't let that happen...
so I go thru life not dwelling on it but at certain times I think about it. I don't even have ANY clue as to where I could begin to find the truth because my mother is of no help. Even if John Hampton is not my father, I'd love to find him and maybe he would have answers for me, but she isn't of any help in supplying me with any information there either... another reason I guess I can't believe her story that he is my dad. And a name like John Hampton is so common it would take me forever to find the right one.
I guess reading Turtle Guys post about adoption made me think about all this today... however I'm happy for Turtle Guy in that it seems his adoptive parents gave him a very nice life, I wish I could feel that way about mine growing up..
