Christmas Time - Depression time is more like it

I am really starting to panic over the Christmas holiday. I do this every year. I love the tradition of the day, seeing decorated houses, the holiday music, seeing friends/family. But what I hate is the commercialism that has taken over such a wonderful time of year..

Fuckin eh it starts even before Halloween. Stores start to put up holiday decorations and not pumpkins, ghosts and goblins NOPE santas, angels, and elves. Nobody or so it seems even remembers WHY we celebrate this day in the first place, the birth of baby Jesus (who in reality was NOT born in December but we, as a Christian society made this day).. its all about the gifts and who can out do who.. How far in debt can we go for this one day?

As a kid, when my mom was with my step dad, Christmas was great. My stepfather, even though, God rest his soul, I realize now as an adult, was really not this great person I thought he was, spoiled me rotten. I wanted for nothing and Christmas was no exception. But as I got older, parents divorced, and mom was working to support 3 of us, things weren't as great. Granted my mother could have used her money more wisely but she didn't... there were many many Christmas Days that we were dirt poor and if it wasn't for welfare bringing gifts to the house or whatever organization did that, we would have had NOTHING, no presents to open that day.

I find that now as an adult its not any easier.. Especially right now with me bringing home about $100 a week working less than part time. I feel in such a panic that I have no money to buy anyone anything, even though the only ones I really worry about are Caitlin, Colin and my nieces and nephews. Today is Dec 8th, the holiday is a bit over 2 wks away and I have NOTHING... and it makes me very very depressed and panicky...

I literally had to calm myself down thinking about this the other day... What am I going to get George and even if I knew WHAT I have no idea where the money would come from at all... I am dead dog broke. I really don't want him to get me anything either... Right now he is pretty much paying my bills since I'm working less so I can take Colin back and forth. And yes even though Colin is his son I don't think of it like that.

Maybe I should but that's not my style... I don't do things because I expect anything for doing them.. I do this because I love Colin and I want the best for him and I know this time at the learning center will pay off for him in time.

Even when times have been good money wise regarding Christmas, the day after is a very depressing day.. I think its all that hoopla for the day, the ballyhoo leading up to that day and then its Dec 26th and there is nothing. But this year I think the day of will be just as depressing as the day after...